May 312012

Riding cropLabels get in the way sometimes. I’ve been asking myself if I’m a sadist or a masochist, as though there is a continuum with each term on either end. What I’m coming to understand is that sadism and masochism are separate things. It doesn’t have to be either/or, you can enjoy giving and receiving pain. Or neither. I’m not hung up on the labels, I just want to understand myself and be able to communicate my preferences to others.

I’m not much into pain. I don’t get off on feeling pain, but… sometimes pain is a very nice sensation in the midst of sexual play, like having my nipples pinched when I’m just about to come. The important thing is context – foreplay. I don’t like to be fucked dry and I don’t enjoy being slapped in the face over dinner, but if we work up to it and I’m in the right frame of mind, I would love to be fucked and slapped. Does that make me a masochist?

Maybe if we make a scale of masochism from 0 to 10, with 0 being no fucking way and 10 being I can’t get off without experiencing a lot of pain. Then I think I’m maybe a 2 or a 3.

If we have the same scale for sadism, with 0 being I would never hurt anyone and 10 being I whipped 3 people before breakfast, then I’m probably still a 2 or a 3. I was just starting to believe that maybe I was a bit of a sadist when I tried it out for real.

KnifeI was angry yesterday – one of those days where I just hate everyone and everything for no particular reason. I tried talking it out, first with Joel, then with Harold. I was feeling like having some rough sex and so was Harold, so I strung him up in leather cuffs. I tied up his balls and gave him a thorough work over. I started with some squeezing and light taps and steadily increased intensity until he was sagging in his cuffs.

This may seem like sadism on my part, but it’s not. No really. I love doing CBT (cock and ball torture) with Harold because he loves it. It turns me on to see him respond so much to something I am doing to his body. I like kissing him and blowing him for the same reason – he gets off on it. Harold’s obvious enjoyment gets me totally fucking wet. Am I sadistic if he likes it?

But I was feeling pissy. I thought that maybe I could work out some of my anger on Harold. For all that he loves to have his balls abused, he is not into cock torture. I decided that I would inflict a huge amount of pain on him by caning his penis, thereby assuaging my rage. I got his consent, making sure that he understood. He is a dear man and was willing to put himself in my hands for whatever I needed to do.

Cock and ball leashI was very nervous. That’s probably why I missed on the first stroke. I hit him on the chest. The chest is nowhere near the cock. I was mortified at how un-smooth my moves were. All of my anger kind of dissipated in my embarrassment and concern over the welt that was forming. Still, I gathered my resolve and tried again. This time I hit at the base of his cock, instantly forming a series of purple blood blisters. I was horrified. I actually hurt him!

This is why I say I am not a sadist. Causing pain makes me anxious, not horny. Unless of course, my partner is into pain, and then I’m totally there. I have liked pushing Harold’s boundaries, but only where it turned him on. Yes, I do amazingly painful things to his balls, but is it perceived as pain?

This is what it’s like in my head. I think about this kind of thing a lot, but it’s all just labels. In the end, the only thing that matters is what works for you and your partners. Examining my inner workings can be excruciating… and if I’m not a masochist (or a sadist), why am I torturing myself?


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May 282012

Curvy GirlsBook: Curvy Girls
Editor: Rachel Kramer Bussel
Publisher: Seal Press, April 2012
Retail: $17.00

What’s the best way to spend Memorial Day weekend? Lounging about reading erotica, of course!

Having been a curvy girl since puberty, I appreciate seeing a whole book of erotica celebrating fuller figured women. I love lush ladies who are confident in their sexuality. Curvy Girls covers the broad expanse of curvy – from runner’s calves, to carrying a little extra weight in all the right places, to a few weeks postpartum, to huge asses. I think most women can find something here to identify with.

It is reassuring to read sexy stories about people who seem real. The strength of this book is also it’s weakness: most of these stories feature women who are insecure about some aspect of their bodies. While they often use sex to work through those issues by the end of the story, I got tired of reading about how they didn’t feel lovable or how they hated a particular part of their body. It was never out of place in context, but collectively I wanted at least the fantasy of seamless sex, without insecurities. Yet, seeing all of the vulnerability that goes into sex was a huge turn on. I guess what it comes down to, for me, is that this anthology does a fantastic job. I just wish that our culture supported women of all shapes and sizes.

I am seeing a shift, with books like this, Tumblrs that focus on curves, and fat-positive porn. Rachel Kramer Bussel has done a fantastic job of bringing together a collection of erotic tales that leaves no doubt that curvy girls have some smokin’ hot sex.

Let me tell you just a little bit about a few of my favorites:

Before the Autumn Queen by Angela Caperton is the steamy tale of a museum docent who seduces the patron who loves a certain painting as much as she does. The painting is as much a character in the story as the two of them. I love how rich the story and the environment is and when they have sex in the museum it’s deliciously transgressive. Gorgeous and haunting!

Decadence by Satia Welsh features a handsome chef who falls for a sexy confident woman who relishes every bite that he cooks. Lots of sensuous eating gives way to a wild romp around his restaurant. This story is unapologetic and takes no prisoners. Makes me totally wet.

Passing the Time by Gwen Masters is a different take, with the main character wondering what’s up with her boyfriend’s sudden lack of interest in her. Deciding to put that aside for a time, she makes love to herself, getting herself off with dildos and fantasy. Different and emotionally rich.

What Girls Are Made Of by Evan Mora caught my attention because of the voice of the story. It’s one of three girl-on-girl adventures in this book. In very descriptive language, the main character describes her perfect woman, “a dapper butch… with a little substance to her,” and the kind of seduction and sex they would have. I want to do it as a performance piece. It’s brilliant.

In the Early Morning Light by Kristina Wright is intensely touching in it’s realism, telling of a woman 9 weeks postpartum who just wants to sleep. Her husband begins to make love to her, and despite her desire to be left alone, her body starts to respond. I adore the exquisite blending of worlds here, returning to sexuality after journeying into motherhood. Beautifully done.

Curvy Girls is a good read, quality writing and lots of super sexy curves engaged in a variety of sex acts. If you want to get in on this action you can purchase the book from Amazon.


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May 242012

CuntThe word cunt is often considered the most obscene word in the English language. It’s one of my favorite words. For me, cunt has all of the connotations of the word home – warmth, depth, possession, safety, and comfort. My cunt is my special place where nice things happen. At least now it is. Early sexual abuse made me feel very conflicted about my body and that persisted for a long time. My sexual journey has been challenging, but finally, my cunt feels like home.

I’m changing all of the time. I am a fluid person of many moods. I’m constantly learning more about myself, and exploring my sexuality is no different. My way of fighting back against the abuse I went through is to own my sexuality totally. There shall be no stone left unturned. If I know that something triggers me, I’m going to work on it until it doesn’t any more.

Actually, my first step in owning myself was just to start believing that I am beautiful, to love my body and believe that I am worthy of love. I explored my body and learned about my own pleasure. Abuse robbed me of my innate sense of connection with my body. I used masturbation to reestablish my right to experience positive loving touch in a sexual way.

Next, I worked on creating an internal safe space for sex. At that time I was often dissociating during sex, overcome by flashbacks of abuse. I had a terrific therapist teach me a technique that let me take back my sex life – I learned to acknowledge the intrusive thoughts, then firmly tell them that while I recognized they were there, I was in the middle of something and I would get back to them. Strangely enough, it works. I do have to go back to those thoughts and look at what needed attention, but it lets me have my space. I still use this method on the rare occasions that something comes up for me. Avoiding flashbacks is empowering because it means that I can relax without fear of being sideswiped. I am in control.

It has also helped to put things into words. Words transform my maelstrom of emotions into experiences with handles. If I can talk about it, it isn’t as scary or painful. Putting sexual abuse into words takes the pain out of the present and puts it in the past. This is something that happened to me, but it was long ago, NOT NOW. I’m not there any more. It’s taken me a while, but now I can let my partners know when a memory surfaces in the middle of sex. Having language to communicate these complicated emotions helps me to feel safer and more intimate .

Maybe the most important thing I’ve practiced around post-abuse sex is saying no. Boundaries have been tragically difficult for me to master. At first I felt like I had to date or have sex with anyone who was interested. I ditched that notion, but I still felt like I had to have sex with someone that I loved, if they demanded it. Over time, I practiced my no’s. I got better at listening to my emotions and my desire, and expressing my wants to my partners. I got good at saying no, I’m not interested in fucking right now, but I’d really like it if you went down on me. This is super important because before I could do that, I frequently felt resentful and taken advantage of. My lack of good boundaries was keeping me in a victim state. Now I tend to feel that all of my sexual acts are a gift shared between us.

I have spent a fair amount of time pushing myself to overcome sexual fears. It’s fine if I just don’t like something, but I’m not going to tolerate artificial limits. It might be easier to sweep things under the rug and just let them be, push the bad feelings away and avoid going there again, but that’s not me. This is how I feel powerful. I bring the painful and shameful things into the light, and I conquer them.

Cunt, backI’ve worked hard in defiance of those who perpetrated the abuse, but I feel like my biggest victory has more to do with letting go than fighting back. Lately, I’ve seem to have forgotten that there was ever a war to be won. I have opened up to my partner and to pleasure. I’ve let myself be receptive in a way that I never have before. I trust – both my partner and myself. He spends as much time buried in my cunt as I want. Yesterday I filled his cupped hand with my come and that seems so precious.

I’m crying as I type this, but I’ve come home to a place that, deep down, I thought was inhospitable. I feel at home in my cunt! I have a home. It’s my place and it feels comfortable. I want to live here in a way that I’ve never known before. This is why I love the word cunt. The rest of the world may perceive cunt as dirty and shameful, like sexual abuse, but I know the mystery. Simply saying cunt out loud makes my mouth form a shape like a cunt, punctuated from cervix to clitoris. I take back the word and the place. Cunt.

(This post was first seen in The Buzz, Good Vibrations Blog on 5/17/12.)


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May 202012

Working on the laptop I was on FetLife last night for the first time in a couple of months. It’s like being trapped in a cave with a bunch of trolls. Social media has given us new ways to interact with each other, but many of the underlying cultural practices have stayed the same, especially around sex. Is it possible to keep all of the sex, and teach the trolls better ways to get what they want?

I like to maintain my profile on FetLife, even though I find the site unpleasant. I have friends that I only contact through FetLife. It’s also fun to see how my friends present themselves in a strictly sexual way. For a while, I spent a lot of time on the groups, but I got discouraged by how awful they were. A few were well managed and positive, but the bulk made me feel angry, discouraged, and marginalized. I even got kicked off of a needle play group for talking about piercing testicles. That’s right, I was too extreme for the needle-play people. Anyone can start a group on FetLife, on almost any topic. Quality is spotty.

I do make an effort to respond to all of my FetLife mail. I know that reaching out to someone, especially someone you don’t know, is difficult. Also, I want to help people to actualize their sexuality fully. If they were drawn to my profile, maybe there is something I can do for them. Unfortunately, what most of the people messaging me want is sex, and I’m not dating right now. I’m pretty clear about my limitations, but maybe they think that they are different, that I will fall for them. And that’s always a possibility, but pretty unlikely based on the type of messages I generally get.

This is where I think that our cultural training gets in the way. Girls have traditionally been taught to sit at home and wait for a boy to call. This puts boys in the position of being sexually assertive in order to get girls. If she says no, just keep asking until she says yes. I had one guy last night continuously message me in order to state, in different ways, that he thinks I’m pretty. I know that what he’s really saying is, I want to fuck you. I would prefer the straight-ahead offer to fuck. Then I can say yes or no. Years of being told that I’m pretty when what the guy really means is he wants to fuck me, have made me hate being called pretty. It’s as though being pretty obligates me to fuck you. Dude, I don’t owe you anything.

Putting myself out there as a sexually open person means that I just have to cope with a number of socially inept, sexually aggressive people, but should that be true? Shouldn’t I be able to safely enjoy my sexuality on the internet? With everyone’s boundaries in a different place, how do you know what might be offensive?

I think the answer is in teaching everyone good consent skills – ask for what you want, say no to anything you don’t want, be open to suggesting something you want instead, and be clear that it’s okay to change your mind at any time. I’m thinking a lot about how to do this.

It’s not just FetLife. I spend way too much time on social media sites. I understand the difficulties of interacting online. I get in a place where I am kind of depressed and compulsive if I spend too much time on social media. I develop relationships with people where I know all about their dreams, relationships, and children, but I’ve never met them in person. 90% of this relationship exists in my head – there is no interaction. If I suddenly acted on this false intimacy it would be inappropriate and inaccurate. Real relationships require actual interaction.

Morning work time outsideSocial media also tends to be somewhat rewards driven. I’m hoping I will be friended, retweeted, liked, and favorited. It’s like crack. I find myself straying from being creative and genuine about myself in order to present in a way that will elicit the biggest response. That might be good marketing, but it can warp my self-respect. If I let myself, I can get my whole sense of worth wrapped up in the online feedback I get or don’t get. A lot can be riding on those social interactions.

Put these two things together – a drive for social rewards and a false sense of intimacy – and I totally see why I get people stalking me to say that I’m pretty. It’s a new set of problems for a new era, but it has roots in how the last generation was raised. I’m working on creative solutions for WholeSexLife. Let me know your thoughts on social media and sex and, oh – make sure to like this post!

Find me at:
Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, & FetLife


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May 152012

Photo courtesy of A Couple of Wankers

Welcome to e[lust] - The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust].  Want to be included in e[lust] #37? Start with the newly updated rules, come back June 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ Top 3 ~

The Cheshire Cat – Alice felt whiskers tickle her skin and was wracked with sobs of fear. “Oh, little girl, don’t cry. You can stand much more than you think you can.”

Vaginal Overexposure? – I see a lot of vaginas. A lot. One of my favorite things to tell Vincent and his friends is, “I see more vagina that you ever will!”

Marionette – “I’m writing out a fantasy of mine, but I’m not sure what to do with some of it. I’m hoping you can help me figure it out.”  “Yes Ma’am.”

~ Featured Post (Picked by Lilly) ~

Journeys – These insecurities are at the root of my fears. I don’t know how to combat them, how to turn those tapes off in my head.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

I’ve found a new secret to my G-spot – This g-spot thing might be hard to find since it can’t be mapped, but believe me it is real and with time, exploration, a good clitoral orgasm and a willing set of fingers and/or dildos you CAN find it.

Kink & Fetish

A Pixie Calls Me Daddy
Afterwards, kissing
Another Try at Topping
Bent Over and Exposed
Female Orgasm: Where Do You Get Off?
Letting the Sadist Out to Play
more con-slut…
pain & sadism: how they intertwine
Tied Up and Tossed in a Corner
Waiting My Turn
Warm Up

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Fifty Shades Of Me

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Buying a Toy: What You Need to Know
Bring on the wanks
I want your sex
My Mother, The Whore
Poly Fallacies #4
Q&A # 3: Childhood BDSM Fantasies
Sticks and Stones…
Small World of Swinging
The Gauge
Us Lately
White and Nerdy

Erotic Writing

Around and ’round
Golden girl
Hard Love
Hot sunny sex on a rainy day
It Ain’t Sex
I Want to be Watched
I made him watch me masturbate
Lazy Day
Lost in Submission
Making out
On Display
Pussy Doctor
Perfect Cover
Pussy Eating- The Fun Way
Rack and Ruin part II
Shower Scene
The Third Date
Tickle Monster
Waiting for It
Watching Skylarks

May 142012

JackStrapI’m skeptical of reviews done by people who don’t have the proper equipment to evaluate the product – for example, me reviewing the JackStrap, a device meant to help people in possession of a cock and balls to get off. I do not biologically possess a set of cock and balls. But here’s the thing, I approach sex like science. When I’m testing out a new product, I’m collecting data. I always try something several times before I review it, collecting as much information as possible, and lucky for me, I have two guys – so I can get both of them to try a penis-oriented product.

Jack Strap was sent to me by Ntimate, the same company that made the ingenious FleshWrap. I am eager to try out everything they can come up with based on my experience of FleshWrap. But what does the JackStrap do? From their website, “This simple silicone strap loosely connects your balls to the fingers you wrap around your cock. So, every stroke of your cock now also tugs and bounces your nuts.” Is this a good thing?

I rely on my guys to give me good information about penis-oriented things, like jacking off and the things they might do on their own to get off. Joel and Harold both confessed that sometimes it feels good to get some ball-bouncing action going, which is what Jack Strap is all about. Harold enjoys rough play with his balls, Joel is extremely sensitive and generally doesn’t like me to touch his balls.

It was Joel that tried JackStrap first. It really is a simple silicone strap with loops at either end. We struggled for a while to get his balls into the round opening, but he felt very cautious about pulling his scrotum through. I wrote to the company saying that we couldn’t get him in it, even with lube. The CEO of Ntimate, Jack Campbell, emailed me back himself:

Hmmm… That’s odd, as the JackStrap is stretchy enough to go around a 16 oz. drinking glass.

The procedure is to put both sets of fingers (both hands) into the larger round hole and pull them apart, and stretch the bejesus out of the JackStrap opening. Pull your hand maybe 4-inches (100mm) or so apart, creating an opening much, much larger than the target scrotum. Then while holding it that way, put it over the balls, and slip your finger out.

The point is that you cannot hurt or break the JackStrap by tugging it WAYYY open. And, a delicate approach is not best. Be aggressive. Grab the thing, slip all your fingers into the hole, pull it apart between your hands like you’re trying to break it, and just yank it wide freaking open.”

I gotta love a CEO who gives that kind of advice! Unfortunately, Joel wouldn’t let me near his junk again with the JackStrap, so I had to try it on Harold.

Harold I can be quite rough with and he had no problems getting JackStrap over his balls. His problem with JackStrap is that, sadly, he is not hung like a porn star. His penis is of average size and the finger holes for JackStrap hit much higher than the place he would normally hold his cock for beating off. Having too much give in the strap means that there is no ball-bouncing. It just didn’t really work.

JackStrap in actionBoth of my test subjects said that, while the concept of JackStrap is good, there’s not really a lot of point in purchasing an item to do what they’ve already worked out ways of doing when it feels like the thing. They demonstrated masturbation techniques that elicited results similar to what JackStrap purports to do. My guess is that most men who would be interested, already have their method as well.

My conclusion to this science experiment? Based on my sample of two, JackStrap is not the ingenious device that FleshWrap is. It’s probably not worth shelling out the bucks for. But I have to rave about the company. Ntimate is an up and coming name in the sex toy industry, creating innovative products for men. Their customer service rocks my socks and I can’t wait to see what they do next.

Bottom line: unless you are a porn star who wants to jiggle and bounce your balls, wait for Ntimate’s next big breakthrough.

Grade: C-


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May 032012

Peaceful mudMay in my neck of the woods means lots and lots of mud. It’s a surer sign of spring than flowers. Flowers are a sign of burgeoning fertility to be sure, but I always get an intense urge to fuck in the mud. I have fantasies about ancient pagan rites of rutting in the fields to make the crops grow stronger, or to ask the Gods to bless our lands. Mud is like the blood of the earth and I want to be wild in it. I want to fuck like animals.

The problem with the Cascade Foothills is that it’s still pretty cold at the beginning of May, but we found a way for me to frolic in the mud anyway. We built a fire in the cabin so I could go and warm up as soon as we were done, and we were quick. We had awesome amazing sex with my back arched and my feet on his shoulders, then we smeared dirt all over and took pictures.

I don’t normally like to get dirty, but something about mud is so intriguing. I didn’t feel naked while covered in blood, I felt armored – tough, primal, and bestial, but also vulnerable. Mud is eternal. Fucking in the mud tends to celebrate the things that I fear about sex:

  • It’s messy. I like sloppy sex, but I’m also fastidious about keeping everything clean. With mud, you can’t control the mess. I want to make sure that I feel dirty in a good way.
  • I’m exposed. Being naked outdoors is an experience that takes some getting used to. More than that, much like good sex, being covered in mud made me feel like my soul was showing.
  • I lose my sense of self. Usually I like letting go, but it can also be alarming. Wearing mud gave me moments of feeling other than human, but I also got to experience some kick-ass mojo.

Mud, foliage, and breasts

In the wildFrolicking in the mud

I feel pretty earthy now. The dirt has certainly thawed and come alive. Spring is well sprung. I feel good with having done my part to quicken the earth, reveling in the May mud.


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