Jun 302012

JoelMy husband, Joel,  just left the house for a first date with a woman he’s been talking to online for about a month. He’s got the normal mix of excitement and anxiety that goes with a first date. He groomed himself carefully. Checked and double checked and triple checked the driving directions. After careful consideration he hand crafted a gift for his date – a necklace with a pendant of her role playing game character’s religious symbol. It’s incredibly geeky, yet very personal. I hope she likes it.

I have a good feeling about this. From what Joel says, she seems very clean with her emotions. She seems to know herself pretty well. I know they have had lots of good email interaction. They may not have that spark of connection, but we’ll have a better idea after tonight. For right now, I am happy seeing Joel happy. There is so much intense, life-affirming energy around a relationship that is just starting. I am reaping the benefits of being within basking range.

This is what compersion is. Compersion is the term that non-monogamous people use to describe that feeling of deriving pleasure from your partner’s happiness with another person. Some people say that it’s the opposite of jealousy, but I know that both can exist at the same time.

I’m not all joy. There is a small voice inside me that I have to acknowledge. It’s the voice that says that he might fall in love with someone else and leave me. He’s dated other people before and that hasn’t happened yet, but I still worry. Change can be scary. I have to have faith in Joel. I believe in our relationship because we’ve made it through a lot together and it hasn’t broken us. I know deep down that I am important to Joel. As long as I feel secure in myself, I think it will be okay.

And he hasn’t forgotten me just because he’s going out. He made me tomatillo soup before he left. We talked through everything a few times before he left. I don’t know if he’ll be back before morning. I suspect he will, but I want to give him the opportunity to follow the date to it’s natural conclusion. He’s done the same for me countless times. I hope that he gets laid, if that feels like the right thing.

We’ve been a bit more sexual together lately and I believe that Joel’s interactions and flirting with another woman are responsible. It’s woken him up, thinking that someone else might find him attractive and interesting. He doesn’t always have the best social skills so I sometimes feel protective. I want other people to be able to see the wonderful man that I know.

But for now I need to stop worrying. Joel is on his way. I love him. I’m happy for him and excited because he is. I can’t wait to hear about his adventures when he returns home, whenever that is. I’m going to play with the children and read a good book. My partner is on a first date and I am full of compersion.


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Jun 292012
February 2011, 215 pounds

February 2011, 215 pounds

When I was a teenager a friend of my mom’s got divorced. She promptly lost a bunch of weight and slimmed down to what she called, “hunting weight,” meaning she was ready to go pick up guys. I’ve recently come to understand how losing a great deal of weight can make one feel predatory.

I first started blogging weighing more than I ever have in my life. And then I continued to gain weight. I still felt sexy and attractive, but it was getting harder to get photos out of a photo shoot that I felt comfortable publishing. I reached a point where finding clothes that fit was becoming challenging. I didn’t mind being curvy, but I wanted sexy lingerie. I complained to a friend and she suggested that I just lose weight.

Now, I’m a bit competitive so I thought, why not. If she can lose 50 pounds, so can I. And I have. It’s been a very slow process. It’s taken me over a year, but I have met my weight loss goal of 50 pounds. I didn’t follow any crazy diets, just ate healthily and with moderation. I haven’t deprived myself. I still have wine and chocolate when I feel like it. I haven’t added any exercise, just walking whenever I can.

It’s been a strange journey. I believe that much of my weight had to do with emotional issues. Every time I have burned through an emotional roadblock, I have dropped a few more pounds. Being able to lose the weight like I want has made me feel more in control of my body. Before my friend suggested losing weight, it did not occur to me that I could have any control over what I weighed.

If I’m honest about my body image, I would say that there were some things I liked better about myself when I was heavier. I loved the fullness of my breasts. Now they are flatter. The fullness of my flesh meant that stretch marks and scars showed less. Now there are places where my skin hangs funny because my body hasn’t caught up yet. I dislike how much my belly still sticks out. When I was heavier it kind of blended in. No, actually, I didn’t like my belly before either. After carrying five children, my stomach is never going to be perfectly flat.

Overall, though, I feel fantastic. I like how sleek I feel in dresses and jeans 8 sizes smaller. I like that my breasts are small enough that I can buy bras at the mall. I am so happy that my face is no longer round. I am more at home in this lighter body, more energetic, healthier. I liked myself before, but I am reveling in myself now.

Even while I am celebrating my success, I am noting that things have not really changed on the inside. My experience of myself is the same, with one tiny exception – the boy part of me is happier being lighter. He doesn’t like excessive fleshiness. It doesn’t come up often, but when it does, he feels more at home in my skin. Other than that, my skin likes to be touched at any weight.

April 2012, 165 pounds

April 2012, 165 pounds

I look back and think that I was brave to put up nude photos of myself at my peak weight – except that I have always been proud of myself and my sexuality. Fat is sexy. People are sexy, in all of their myriad ways. So ultimately, my body image didn’t change because I lost weight. My self respect improved because I was able to affect change in my body. I’m proud because I set a goal for myself and achieved it. I’ve hit hunting weight.


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Jun 242012

Shhhh... it's privateThere’s a place that I go to that’s just mine. I have a special fantasy that makes me orgasm almost every time. I’ve used variations of this fantasy since I was a child. I’ve tried to describe the feelings, the scenarios, to my lovers, but it’s not something I’ve ever tried to enact. This fantasy is too private. It’s part of my internal landscape.

I’ve heard it said that for all people, but women especially, most of arousal is in the mind. The physical does an awful lot for me – I can often come with clitoral stimulation alone. Add g-spot and it will take longer, but I’ll come hard. I even manage to orgasm with penetrative sex. There are times though, when every physical trick in the book is not enough. I need to get my brain in on the action.  Then, when I am drifting in sensation, turned into myself, I start to think about my fantasy.

I’m a little embarrassed about it. I feel guilty for thinking about anything other than my partner. It seems wrong to retreat into my private world. It feels kind of masturbatory. I sometimes think that if people knew what I was thinking they would believe that I’m a freak. Maybe everyone feels like that – they worry that the private things that turn them on like crazy are too perverted to see the light of day. Maybe that’s what makes the thoughts so provocative.

So when I’m turned on and floating in a sea of ecstasy, but still not close to crossing the border, I immerse myself in my kinky fantasy. I close my eyes and start to incorporate what is physically happening to me into my fantasy.

I imagine myself secured to a metal bench or examination table. There are bright lights that make it hard to see past them. It used to be that there were no people in this realm. I think that as a child, it did not occur to me that other people might participate. Machines ruled my body, poking and prodding, inducing pleasure. Lately, I insert my partner as a sadistic scientist experimenting with my sexual responses. Devices are a vital component in closing in on orgasm. The thing that really gets me though, is giving myself a deadline.

Nothing seems to make me come faster than imagining that something very bad (or good) will happen if I don’t orgasm right away. For example, I will be fucked hard by a machine if I don’t come in the next 60 seconds. Or I have to squeeze the probe in my cunt hard enough to activate the shut off switch on the device that will remove my nipples. Or I can save a whole village of virgins if my spasms are intense enough on the scientist’s meter. It’s always a little different and I tend to use what’s actually going on as a basis.

I suppose that I could try to enact my fantasies explicitly. My partners would certainly be willing. I don’t think they would tease me…too much. But it works so well in my head. I think it might be disappointing to do some of this stuff physically. It would probably be better for them to play along with my thoughts, supplement them a bit when I start to turn inward. Maybe issue commands or something.

Truthfully, I’m very happy with this fantasy. It’s worked for a long time. I feel a little shy about sharing because it’s so private. I image though that everyone has their own version, their own private fantasy that works to get them there. You don’t have to tell anyone, just work it.

Jun 232012

Sex GeekI met Reid Mihalko when I was down in San Francisco a couple of weeks ago. We were at OpenSF (an amazing non-monogamy conference), at a gathering for presenters and staff to relax and unwind after the weekend. I knew who he was, of course. He’s the kind of guy whose reputation precedes him. After I saw Reid’s videos on Passionate U, I believe my response was that I wanted to put him in my mouth. I did my research, so I knew something about him. He was someone I really hoped to meet on our trip.

Within seconds of being introduced, we were flirting. In fact, I was sticking my hands into his pants pockets. I liked him immediately because not many people are as physical as I am. Reid is very funny, sweet, and personable. He’s a natural storyteller. He’s also smart. Reid’s responsible for the Sex Geek t-shirts that all the cool kids are wearing. And he has a lot to say about sex and relationships.

Not only did I get to meet Reid, I arranged to do a quick video interview. I didn’t get a chance to ask him the all-important boxers-or-briefs question (I imagine he’s probably commando anyway), but I did get him talking about some things I care about. The first segment focuses on flirting, then we discuss how pleasure can help heal pain, and finally kissing! Here is the first of the videos, with more to follow:


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Jun 212012

David Steinberg with Harold in backgroundPhotography lights were crowding the bathroom, focused on the bathtub where water was running. Harold was already naked. I was asking our photographer, the talented David Steinberg about his boundaries: Was there anything he was uncomfortable with us doing? (I had already checked with Harold and he was fine with anything but scat and age play.) David just didn’t want us to drag him into the tub with his photography gear. Awesome! That left a lot of things open.

For some reason I was more nervous about this photo shoot than I normally would be. Usually Harold and I are just messing around with the camera, but sometimes we’ve done more serious shoots. It wasn’t David. He’s very sweet and wise, always professional, easygoing. I love working with David and I consider him a friend. I trust him.

I think that I was more nervous this time around because of my current emotional state. Sex is not always easy right now. If it were just Harold and I having a date, I wouldn’t be anxious because if I freaked out or just couldn’t manage to be in my sexy place, he would hold me, or we would go for a walk, or something. There’s more pressure to perform when someone is there with a camera, even if the intention is for us to do what we would normally do, ignoring David and his camera as much as possible.

I’m actually pretty good at that – creating a bubble around Harold and myself and filtering out everything else. It helps that our intense sexual energy tends to occupy my mind. Sure, at one point I wondered if I was taking too long to come and would Harold and David get bored? It was a quick thought, easily overcome. I had another moment when Harold left the room for a few minutes and I was in the bathtub alone with David taking pictures. I felt uneasy briefly, and then got myself off to keep the energy going.

I did encounter a time when I felt uncomfortable and a little freaked out. Harold had been topping me a bit and flogging me. I loved the sensation of the flogging, but something just wasn’t right. We stopped and he held me – me lying on top of him in a position that I find soothing. We murmured at each other while David fussed with his lights.  It afforded us a kind of privacy to work things out. I know that David would have left the room for us or that I could have stopped right there if I wanted. That made it possible for me to stay in the moment. Instead, I shifted our play toward something that I particularly love, squirting.

After we were all done, David mentioned that our lovemaking style was that of sustaining low-level intensity in order to build to a super intense finish. I think it must be fascinating to get to observe so many different people making love intimately. What an amazing job!

While it was a lot of fun to do, now I’m feeling fragile. Harold and I did many of the things that are usual for our sex life, but we did them MORE. A good scene can be exhausting. Also, I have the sense that I put myself out there rather more than I am used to at the moment. Time for some aftercare and self indulgence.

I won’t know for a while how the photos came out. David shoots film rather than digital. It’s all a grand experiment that I’m thrilled to be a part of. It’s exciting waiting for the outcome – kinda like waiting for Santa.

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Jun 172012

Passionate UAre there things about sex that you would like to know, but are too afraid to ask someone? When you google your sex questions do you get a million porn hits or highly questionable responses? Do you long for simple, straightforward demonstrations and explanations on a broad range of sexual topics? I can fix you up.

I recently spent some time exploring Passionate U, a website dedicated to helping adults answer any question about sexuality. (More advanced BDSM type questions are addressed on the sister site, Kink Academy.)  Each site features a multitude of short video clips (average 3-5 minutes) from well known sex educators and other sex professionals. The faculty is currently over 50 people and constantly expanding. They add new videos each week!

The website is well organized and easy to use. You have to agree to their waiver every time you enter the site, which only makes sense. You can then select one of the options available on the main page: sensual, sexy, kinky, relationships, health, or academic. If that doesn’t work, you can try a search term or sort by skill level, toy, topic, or faculty member. I was able to easily find the videos that interested me. And the brilliant thing is that if a specific video wasn’t working for me, I could just stop it and find another.

I should make a confession. I’m not a very patient person. I don’t watch a lot of online videos because I can’t stand to wait while they are loading. I occasionally had this problem with Passionate U. When everyone in my house was on the internet, I was unable to successfully watch videos and it drove me wild with frustration. Passionate U does have a very good help section for troubleshooting viewing problems, but ultimately I had to wait until I was home alone.

Passionate U has many videos available for free, so you can get an idea of what to expect. Check them out and seriously consider paying for a membership in order to have full access. They offer several options, starting at $24.95USD/month.

I learned so much in the 2 weeks I was trialing the site. I took in information about squirting, pegging, senior sex, consent, negotiating awkward social situations, oral sex, legal ramifications, sex positions, and much, much more. I especially appreciated the segment on intact cocks because it was an up close guided tour of an uncircumcised penis. Where else could I get this kind of visual? I haven’t seen an up-close and personal example since I was a teen living in Europe and not many men would just drop their pants for me so I could explore. Well, maybe they would, but that’s not the point!

Go look at Passionate U. These people have a lot to offer and they are serious about adult sex education. I promise  you’ll learn something.


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Jun 162012

Photo courtesy of Molly at Molly’s Daily Kiss

Welcome to e[lust] - The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust].  Want to be included in e[lust] #38? Start with the newly updated rules, come back July 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ Top 3 ~

Coming to Terms with Being Gay – From the time I was seven I was raised Mormon, which meant I wasn’t allowed to have a girlfriend until I was 16 or to have sex until I was married.

What I Want – I want to be humiliated. Call me a slut. Call me a whore. Slap my face. Expose me.

Dinner Party Entertainment – At that moment, J’s eyes went wide–he finally realized I was leaving him there, tied to the bed.

~ Featured Post (Picked by Lilly) ~

My Abstinence Only “Sex Education”  – The speakers were a married, Christian couple, and the man told us about how he had pledged to stay a virgin until he was married.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Your Crappy Writing Turns Me Off  – Your written words are your clothes, your power, your voice, your facial expressions and that by which we measure intelligence, personality and even attractiveness. 

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

A New Found Respect for Bondage Educators
Cunt: Healing sexual abuse
Equal but Different
Fuck you. Without a condom
Harper Eliot’s Guide to Surviving Drop Alone
PolyAnna’s Musings: What About the Kids
Settling down–bullshit free

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Sweet Valley High Meets the Story of Oh My!
Women’s rape fantasies
Why May is Nat’l Masturbation Month

Erotic Writing

A Word on What Your Words Do to Me
Anything the Lady Wants
Cemetery Sex
Dropped Call
Fucking a Stranger’s Wife While He Watched
Folly, part 4
Getting His Attention
Jerk and Tug
Jill’s Look Back at Masturbation Month
Like a Faggot
Phontographs (fiction, part 1)
Senses and Scents
Spearmint Rhino
Swing: Part I
The Dance
Touch Me, Tease Me

Kink & Fetish

Earning My Wings
fantasy with beast/the train ride
His first crop spanking
Learn the rope of knots: Larks Head
Popping my anal cherry
Stress Relief
Staying power
The Cutting Edge
Tie Me Up! ~ I think…
Why chastity is hot
What I Like and Why

Jun 152012

Evoë all dressed up and ready to goI love how life gives me so many opportunities to practice the things that I’m learning. Like how to listen to my emotions and communicate them during sex play. A few days ago I got the chance to stop a public sex scene in the middle when it wasn’t feeling right. I’m pretty proud of myself.

Harold and I were in San Francisco. I was excited to go to a sex club I hadn’t been to before to see how it was run. I like getting dressed up and thinking about the kinds of sexy things we might do. We brought some of our favorite toys with us just for the occasion. I went without panties, which pushes my boundaries a bit. I felt wicked and slutty, in a fabulous way.

I was also experiencing a headache from flying. Over the course of the afternoon and evening I tried a variety of medications, hoping to eradicate this headache. My migraine meds finally did the trick, but I think they interacted badly with some of the over the counter drugs in my system. I was pretty out of it – impaired in a drunk-like way. I almost decided not to go to the club, but in the end, I just went with it.

I’m glad we went. It was fun to dance and talk to people. There was a whole back room filled with naked fucking people. I adore the vibe of that, and the visual – a sea of writhing, groaning bodies taking their pleasure. Beautiful! I was totally having a good time. And then the dungeon room opened up!

I knew that this is where I wanted to be for the kinds of things I like to do to Harold. For some reason, ball torture tends to squick some people. We laid claim to a bondage chair, but sadly I had left all of my rope in Seattle. I just told him to stay put where I arranged him. I spread out my tools, slipped off my heels, and started to get to work on some CBT.

We play together often. I know Harold’s body and his responses. I know when to push him and when he needs more of something. What I enjoy most about our sexual connection is the exchange of energy. Playing in public is interesting and fun because anyone observing is also contributing their energy. I am an exhibitionist. I like to perform and I want to be watched. I was looking forward to displaying my skills and the endurance of my boi in a new venue.

I tied off his scrotum so his balls wouldn’t roll around. I ran my hands all over Harold’s body and gave him a few experimental slaps. I took his cock into my mouth. I was just sinking into the space I inhabit when I Top. I started giving his balls light taps. Generally, I expect the energy between us to slowly build when we play – for every one of my actions to incite Harold into a greater state of arousal, which then turns me on more, and I go a little further. This feedback loop wasn’t happening.

My internal voice said, “This isn’t working. We should stop.” Now, if someone was doing stuff to me and I thought this, I believe I would say something pretty quickly. As the top, I took several more breaths before I acknowledged the thought. Then I thought about the fact that I really wanted to have this scene and people were watching, before realizing that I needed to listen to that voice.

I wrapped my arms around Harold and told him how I was feeling, that things were not building like I expected them to, and that I thought we should stop. He was totally in the same spot. The energy was not building for him either. I decided to be proud of myself for following my hunch. We reconnected, cleared out of the dungeon, and went to join the mass of naked fucking people.

I’m not sure what wasn’t working for us. I suspect it has to do with me being slightly altered and not as present. I do not think that I will ever again try to Top when I am (even slightly) inebriated. I want to be entirely present and high on endorphins, if anything. It doesn’t actually matter what was going on. The fact that I stopped the scene in the middle because it felt wrong, is huge.

No pantiesIt’s been difficult to get in touch with that inside voice. Dealing with abuse in my life meant that I didn’t get to say yes or no, so it took some time for me to be able to hear myself. I’ve worked hard to be able to say yes when that’s what I want. I’ve learned to let myself have pleasure. Part of that journey was also learning to stop the action if it felt wrong for any reason. Now I’m getting to practice those skills as a top.

Everyone is responsible for safeguarding their own sexual experience. Trusting your own voice and your partners’ voices, especially in the middle of some intense sexual play, is vital. Yes, I’m a little disappointed not to have the experience I hoped for, but I have no doubt that if we had continued in the direction we were headed, it would have felt icky for both of us. I want our sex to feel intense and amazing, which means that every time, always, we need to listen to the inside voice.


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Jun 142012

When Babeland sent me the most epic vibrator of all time to review, a Hitachi Magic Wand, I immediately thought of the epic woman who introduced me to the Magic Wand, my metamour, Melanie. Here are her own words, explaining why you need to have a Hitachi:

Melanie with the Hitachi Magic WandIf You Don’t Have a Hitachi Magic Wand, Go Get One!
guest review by Melanie

The Hitachi Magic Wand is the best vibrator ever. To say I recommend it highly is an understatement. If I were stuck on a desert island with ten things, and one of them was a generator, another would be a Magic Wand.

It’s not just me who thinks this. It really is the gold standard of vibrators. On the Internet, people say things like, “The Hitachi Magic Wand Massager is the best thing I ever bought my girlfriend for Christmas” and “Now I know why it’s called the OMG machine.” Betty Dodson, sex expert of sex experts, recommends it for women trying for their first orgasm. A few people complain about it, but don’t listen to the complaining. It’s like people who go to fish restaurants wanting steak. The Hitachi delivers on the thing it’s supposed to do: Give you a great clitoral orgasm.

The person who introduced me to the Magic Wand was my first girlfriend. She was amazed I’d never tried it, and she insisted I get one right away, jumping up and down and squeaking in her passion. She was right. Later on, my raves and our experience with it led a boyfriend of mine to buy an extra for me and also one for his wife. She raved too. Every woman I know, once she’s had a chance to use it a while, has given her thumbs-up.

Why is it the best? It’s intense. For some people it’s too intense, and for them I’d recommend what my girlfriend did, which was to put some layers of cloth between you and it. A pillowcase, a sheet, your jeans, whatever works. The point is, it’s intense enough that for me the orgasm is pretty much a sure thing, unless I’m exhausted. It is the promise of the sure orgasm that makes the Magic Wand magic.

It’s also the right shape for clitoral application. I know it has an attachment for G-spot play, but to me that’s just window-dressing—G-spot play is not what I use the Magic Wand for. It’s for that day-to-day, “I just want to come” thing, the bread and butter of vibrator use. For that, it’s perfect. Though it’s heavy and big, it’s maneuverable for something its size. And it’s made like a real appliance: It’s not some gacky purple or fluorescent green, it feels solid in your hand, and it holds up to intensive use.

For anyone who really likes intense sensation, it’s the only vibe I know that has such strength. It has two settings, but I rarely use the faster one. The strong vibration means strong orgasms. Like I say, it can take getting used to, but I’d recommend making the effort. It will reward you.

The only downside is that it’s a bit noisy. So put a pillow over it.

Buy one. Buy two, one for home and one for travel. (Though don’t do what I did and burn it out in a French hotel because you forgot the adapter. Quelle tragédie! It only works on 120-volt AC current.)

The Magic Wand is magic.

Jun 072012

BlyssThe people I love are pretty wonderful. I’m glad that I am polyamorous, in multiple relationships with other people who are also in multiple relationships, because I would hate to have to chose among them. This way I can let each relationship be exactly what it is, without trying to force things into some preconceived ideal of a relationship. It’s not that I don’t believe in monogamy – that totally works for a lot of people. I’m just very thankful for my many loves.

Recently I needed a break and wanted to hike to Goldmyer Hot Springs. Joel willingly held down the fort so I could go. He’s fabulous that way, taking care of the children so I can work or play. My other two loves, Harold and Blyss, hiked with me. Blyss and I are new together and still figuring out how things go, but we’ve all been friends for a long time. She and Harold get along well. In fact, I loved watching them flip each other shit as we walked.

It felt natural to hold hands with one or the other for a time then drift apart. Harold and Blyss are not romantically involved with each other, so rather than forming a triangle together, we are a V, with me at the point and either of them at the ends. Lucky me! Lots of kisses! But my favorite part was just how easy and relaxed everything was.

oral sex in the hot springsThe hot springs are such a magical place. When I’m there my cares melt away. I feel more present, more in my body, and more turned on. Maybe it’s the inundation of the senses – the soothing roar of the river as it rushes past, the sting of cold raindrops on warm flesh, the fresh smell of the water and surrounding plants, the bright flashes as birds dart by. The power and serenity of the space lets me feel more myself than normal and lucky for us, no one else was there that day.

I made my way back into the cave where the spring comes out of the rock. In the heavy, moist air, I sat in the darkness and meditated. My Blyss came to sit next to me. My fingers slowly traced the broad curves of her breasts. I kissed her in the wet darkness, feeling the line of her jaw, her neck, and the hollow between her breasts. I had a moment of knowing perfection – a sacred being connected to another sacred being, in a sacred place. We parted without words and I made my way back out of the cave.

making out in the hot springsLater, I came together with Harold, our bodies intertwined in the water. Our intimacy slowly grew with kisses and groping. I stood over him and he licked my pussy while squeezing my ass. I eased back into the water and took his cock in my mouth before moving up to kiss some more. We looked into each other’s eyes and I carressed his hard on. We had a delicious sense of connection without any real urgency to act sexually.

We got home just in time for Joel to get to his engagement. We talked on the phone to make sure we were both doing okay. Later, when I burst into tears for reasons I was not able to articulate, Blyss and Harold bundled me into bed and both snuggled me. Cozy domestic things comfort me.

It’s this kind of togetherness that makes me happy to be poly. It’s the normal, everyday life things – making dinner, reading bedtime stories to the kids, taking a hike together. Yes, the sex makes me very happy, but in the end, it’s love. And I have lots and lots of love.


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