Jun 242012

Shhhh... it's privateThere’s a place that I go to that’s just mine. I have a special fantasy that makes me orgasm almost every time. I’ve used variations of this fantasy since I was a child. I’ve tried to describe the feelings, the scenarios, to my lovers, but it’s not something I’ve ever tried to enact. This fantasy is too private. It’s part of my internal landscape.

I’ve heard it said that for all people, but women especially, most of arousal is in the mind. The physical does an awful lot for me – I can often come with clitoral stimulation alone. Add g-spot and it will take longer, but I’ll come hard. I even manage to orgasm with penetrative sex. There are times though, when every physical trick in the book is not enough. I need to get my brain in on the action.  Then, when I am drifting in sensation, turned into myself, I start to think about my fantasy.

I’m a little embarrassed about it. I feel guilty for thinking about anything other than my partner. It seems wrong to retreat into my private world. It feels kind of masturbatory. I sometimes think that if people knew what I was thinking they would believe that I’m a freak. Maybe everyone feels like that – they worry that the private things that turn them on like crazy are too perverted to see the light of day. Maybe that’s what makes the thoughts so provocative.

So when I’m turned on and floating in a sea of ecstasy, but still not close to crossing the border, I immerse myself in my kinky fantasy. I close my eyes and start to incorporate what is physically happening to me into my fantasy.

I imagine myself secured to a metal bench or examination table. There are bright lights that make it hard to see past them. It used to be that there were no people in this realm. I think that as a child, it did not occur to me that other people might participate. Machines ruled my body, poking and prodding, inducing pleasure. Lately, I insert my partner as a sadistic scientist experimenting with my sexual responses. Devices are a vital component in closing in on orgasm. The thing that really gets me though, is giving myself a deadline.

Nothing seems to make me come faster than imagining that something very bad (or good) will happen if I don’t orgasm right away. For example, I will be fucked hard by a machine if I don’t come in the next 60 seconds. Or I have to squeeze the probe in my cunt hard enough to activate the shut off switch on the device that will remove my nipples. Or I can save a whole village of virgins if my spasms are intense enough on the scientist’s meter. It’s always a little different and I tend to use what’s actually going on as a basis.

I suppose that I could try to enact my fantasies explicitly. My partners would certainly be willing. I don’t think they would tease me…too much. But it works so well in my head. I think it might be disappointing to do some of this stuff physically. It would probably be better for them to play along with my thoughts, supplement them a bit when I start to turn inward. Maybe issue commands or something.

Truthfully, I’m very happy with this fantasy. It’s worked for a long time. I feel a little shy about sharing because it’s so private. I image though that everyone has their own version, their own private fantasy that works to get them there. You don’t have to tell anyone, just work it.

  • Rottandartist

    I have a few of those too… like many, mine has been around since I was old enough to masturbate to something. :) I think it’s normal, and I bet if we could hear everyone’s fantasies, they would be as varied as the colours in the world! Everyone would be different!!

  • http://WholeSexLife.com Evoe Thorne

    I agree. I am so fascinated by people’s deep fantasies – the ones that they are embarrassed to talk about because they are so important to their interior world. Everyone is unique and yet we share so many traits. I wish there was less shame around these fantasies, but I think the shame is what makes fantasies such a turn on.

  • Hardin Reddy

    You hit on a significant point in your comment:  the lure of the forbidden is what makes many fantasies more potent.  As does a deep and terrifying fear.

  • theblackleatherbelt

    Yes.  I feel the same way; in fact, for a very long time I believed that there was a kind of hierarchy of sexual experience, and that sex where I didn’t need anything but the sensations generated between my partner and I was at the pinnacle, and that if my mind went somewhere my body wasn’t, it wasn’t as good somehow.  

    I still think that, actually, but I’m trying to get over it.  

    Like you, my most potent fantasies are A) entirely private and B) have an institutional setting.  That last bit has always been really fascinating to me — why has that been such a persistent trope in my fantasy life?  (And when I say persistent, I mean decades; really, I’ve thought about that for as long as I’ve been having sexual fantasies).  I wrote about that a couple of times as a way of unpacking it, and actually came to some insights that have been useful to me; in fact, one of my commenters got me started on the idea that proved the most fruitful.  (The two pieces are Third Parties and Fucking the System).