Taboos are interesting things. They tend to keep us safe in one way or another by giving us a strong aversion. Most people obey that aversion without thinking, but there are always a few people who poke at the edges – people who are turned on by the shame that they feel at the thought of violating a taboo. The forbidden can be very alluring. For some people, that shame twists all around and becomes obsessive and secretive. For others, they manage to take the energy of the taboo and use it for their own pleasure, without actually violating the taboo.
Let me give you an example: sex with children is strictly forbidden. It causes lifelong harm for a child to be used to gratify a grown-up’s desires. It is flat out WRONG to sexually abuse children and most people wouldn’t even consider it. Yet, some people are able to pretend or role-play being children for sexual gratification. This age play ranges from babies to teenagers. No actual children are harmed, but people find ways of exploring the energy of the taboo.
I’ve been obsessed with power dynamics and role playing for a while. I blame Sinclair Sexsmith. I attended their workshop on queering power dynamics a while ago and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. Power is not an easy thing for me sexually, but I find it really hot. I want it, I long for it with a deep abiding desire, I just don’t know how to get there. Harold and I tried a Teacher/student dynamic for a while. It was exciting at first, then felt kind of gross because Harold couldn’t imagine a nice guy having sex with a student. He got slimy and ridiculous. We gave it up.
I’ve talked to several people who have explored a Mommy or Daddy/boy or girl relationship. At first I thought that I would never be able to do that. I totally get why people would want to use that energy. Parents are firm, yet loving. I know I long for a kind of approval and attachment that one can only get from a parent. I suppose if I dig deeper I can see that every child first expresses sexuality to a parent. If that first expression is handled respectfully then the child is likely to have a healthy sexuality. I get it, but how could I honestly call my lover Daddy? It feels so wrong.
I think it’s important to make a distinction between wanting to role-play an actual parent and using the energy of the archetype of the Mommy or Daddy. Daddy has as much of the leather daddy archetype as you want to use. If I wanted to be Harold’s Mommy, I would not be trying to mimic his mother. Nor would I be treating him like I treat my children. We would be developing a sexual power dynamic that integrates the nurturing qualities of motherhood with the stern discipline of parenting and the hot sexual tension of a dominatrix. I think I can be comfortable in that space. Just enough of the taboo energy lingers, but there is power there.
These are the kinds of thoughts that have been going through my mind. I so much want Harold to Top me in a way that works for us both. I have things that I want to heal and it would be so much easier to sort through the dark places if Harold could hold me and help me break open. I need a firm hand. I need guidance. I need to rebel and be a brat and still be loved. I need the heat generated by desire to help me transform my pain. I don’t know how it will work. I’m not sure that we can both overcome the blocks we have, but…
I’ve asked Harold to be my Daddy.