Mar 202013

Evoe's backHis hand was in my cunt. I was guiding the vibrator on my clit. His other hand strayed to my nipples. This is the easiest way to make me come. We had just done extensive 69, letting the energy cycle and build as we explored each other with hands and mouths. We fucked doggie-style, his balls slapping my clit as he used my hips to thrust himself deeper inside me. It’s one of my favorite positions, but I wasn’t quite ready to orgasm when his release hit. So he flipped me over and went for my g-spot.

Like I said, the g-spot/vibrator/nipple stim combo is a sure way to get me off. It’s also how I squirt or how we go about fisting. It’s often the way we cap off sex, even if I do come during foreplay and/or intercourse. I’m usually good for 2 or 3 more orgasms. I like it a lot – but sometimes I’m not emotionally ready to come.

I enjoy sex the most when I am fully present in my body and my emotions are in sync. Masturbation can sometimes feel very empty to me when it’s just a release in my body and not an emotional release. Sex with partners is almost always a fully integrated experience. I like the physical orgasm, but getting everything lined up feels amazing. Sometimes I can’t even orgasm if not all of me is in alignment.

So even after fabulous mutual oral sex and some fantastic penetrative fucking, some part of me was still holding back. My body was responsive, turned on – my mind hadn’t yet caught up. I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately. I just needed more time.

His fingers inside me were excruciating in their skill. I felt hyper-sensitive. I kept the vibration on my clitoris indirect because it was so intense. My nipples responded to his touch in ways that made me suck in my breath. I tried hard to ride the crest of pleasure peaking in my body, but the horse left the gate without a rider. I came without really wanting to.

That felt kind of bad. I had been trying to orgasm. I wanted release. I ended up feeling like it happened to me rather than for me. Coming like that made me feel like I wasn’t in control of what my body was doing. I can understand why some people are turned on by forced orgasms, but I don’t think it would be my kink. I enjoy the slow build of sensation that drives me forward until I fill up, spill over, and start again. I like that coming makes me feel clean and renewed and closer to my partner.

I decided to ignore that orgasm that was so unsettling and have the orgasm I wanted. It was as though that first orgasm cleared my body of all of the restless stimulation. I felt more grounded, more able to follow the growing arousal. When I came a second time, I was ready. My orgasm and emotions twined together, spilling out in gasps of pleasure and tears.

Evoe's frontWe talked through my experience after everything had settled down. Being able to have these discussions makes me feel seen and validated. I want my partners to know what is going on with me, especially while we are making love. Having energetic (energy aware) sex is very important to me, so communication is vital because my partners are more likely to feel my emotional state during moments of intense connection, like sex. I am less likely to get what I want if I can’t talk about it.

This is what it comes down to for me: Communication is good. Orgasms are good. Coming before you are ready is unsettling, but coming with your whole self is the best thing ever!