Nov 192013

EvoëSometimes I want so much for Harold to take me. I love the safety we’ve created in our relationship around consent and equality, but every once in a while I deeply long for him to take my submission. It consumes me at times. I enjoy Topping him and all of the ways we connect, but it frustrates me to no end to have this particular part of my sexuality go ignored.

Perhaps I can’t expect one person to meet all my needs. It’s just that…we are so good together. He knows me so well. I can’t help having my feelings hurt. It feels like a rejection, or at the very best, that part of me is invisible to him.

We keep talking about my fantasies. It gets harder and harder for me to articulate my emotions and desires. My fear of rejection makes me anticipate it – maybe even create it. I want Harold to Top me so badly it’s like an ache in my throat, a pounding in my chest. The wanting itself feels dangerous. I want him to play with that energy, make the longing sexually charged, give me a container in which to come undone. I am so strong. It takes a strong person to persuade me to let go.

Harold has that kind of strength, but what I want him to do is alien to his nature. I don’t know how to teach him to Top me. I can get him to do Topping type activities: bondage, flogging, needle play, and the like. But what about the energy? How do I show him what I want emotionally?

As a strong empowered woman, I feel some embarrassment around wanting to be dominated. As a survivor of abuse, I feel some shame around wanting to be in a position that sometimes reminds me of being a victim. As an active partner in this relationship, I feel guilty for wanting to change our power balance, even temporarily. It makes everything come out sideways. How can I want something so much and not be able to speak clearly about it? It hurts so much.

When we talk about him being dominant, it turns me on. I have a thrill of excitement and danger similar to being on a roller coaster. I want this sooooo bad. I’ve had this feeling all morning as I think about our date today. This is a delicate balancing act for me. If I don’t keep the energy sexual and positive it turns into something closer to anxiety and squicky discomfort. I’ve been trying to manage the energy myself, but eventually had to check in with Harold.

He doesn’t understand and I don’t have the skill to try to show him. We are so good about everything else. Why does this particular fetish render me senseless? I want him. I want him to take me. I am here trying to keep this possibility open, but I feel crushed. Has he already rejected me? Will he find me in the place where I want to give myself? I’ll know in an hour.

  • Kyle Jones

    ya know… I was on the flip side of this in one of the most important relationships of my life… she talked about how she wanted to be topped, wanted me to be able to top her and there were times when I could and did and it worked wonderfully. Most of the time, though, the dynamic flipped the other way, with her, I was much more inclined to submit than to top. There was pain on both sides when she expressed needs that I didn’t fulfill for her. And now, as it happens, after our relationship has ended and I’ve begun with others, my top/Daddy side is coming out more confidently. I’m sad that I couldn’t do that for her more of the time.

    I guess it’s hard to imagine him rejecting you, per se. Whether he has it in him to do what you want? Only you and he can discover that. Looking at my experience leads me to ask this, has he topped anyone? Does he have that experience? Would it help him to gain that experience with someone else, as a way of exploring it outside your relationship? I know for me it was hard to move myself from the ‘s’ side of the relationship when submitting to Her was one of the best things in my life.

    Good luck, both of you :-)

  • cammies on the floor

    I am in the same predicament with my husband, and it is frustrating.