Jan 042014

Anger and intimacyThis morning he woke me with a cup of coffee and some snuggles. I happily wiggled around in the blankets, rubbing against him, kissing, and feeling sleepily sexy. His hands found my skin under the covers. I wanted more of that. I shifted, throwing the comforter back below my ass. I was offering him my butt, expecting that he would squeeze and caress the flesh there. Instead, he pulled the blankets back up around my chin and patted me like a child.

I was hurt. I felt sad that he didn’t want me. Then I felt angry – cuz why didn’t he want me when he started this cuddle session?!? Did I miss some of his cues? It is hard to feel rejected when you are giving yourself to someone you love.

This pattern has been playing out in my sex life way too often lately. I’ve known that fear is the opposite of love, but seeing that anger is the opposite of lust is a new realization. How many marriages fail because of anger and resentment? Oh, I know that some people use anger instead of lust, it’s very passionate, and hate sex has it’s place, but I find it impossible to feel my desire when I am angry.

I am often angry lately. I desperately need more time to myself. I feel all touched out, giving so much of myself to the family for the holidays, and the children being home on vacation. I love these things, but I need some space to be me. I have managed to have amazing wonderful sex in the past few weeks. I want to acknowledge all of the good things in my life, yet I am angry. I sometimes walk around in a dark cloud, hating everyone.

My therapist says that anger is a sign that something needs to change. When I start to feel angry, I ask myself what I would like to change. This is tricky because I am mostly experiencing anger over things that happened long ago that I’ve just recently been able to access. What do I do with ancient anger when it comes up now, when I’m getting intimate with a partner who hasn’t done anything wrong?

I think what I most want is to be able to express anger without retribution. I’m hoping for a better outcome. I want a chance to be in a sexual situation, get angry (about whatever), be heard and reassured, let it all go, and move on. I need to build that kind of trust.

It’s not working that way most of the time. Unfortunately, yet predictably, my partner tends to get angry back. He doesn’t understand why I can’t see him. He feels hurt because he believes he’s done something wrong, even if I tell him it’s not him that I’m angry at. He’s confused because things seem to be going just fine until I blow up.

It’s driving me crazy to have the same basic fight over and over, but I haven’t stopped sharing my feelings with him. We keep trying to pull the anger apart and use it to be closer to each other. We have strong communication skills to draw from, even if I am not skillful in this area. I have faith that we will figure it out.

This morning when I explained to him how sad I was that he didn’t want my ass, I could see him start to respond in the usual fashion – hurt and confusion, expressed through self-defense, beginning to give way to anger. Then he stopped. I don’t know what was going through his mind. He was loving and gentle, but didn’t say anything. I lay on top of him and slowly started to feel incredibly turned on by our bodies touching. I wiggled and his cock got hard against my crotch. We made love. It was awesome and reassuring.

I got the outcome I was hoping for. I was heard and reassured, even though my anger is often very triggering for him. I think it worked for him too because he did get hard and that usually only happens if he is feeling open and trusting.

Anger is really tricky. A lot of my power is caught up in anger. I want to be able to express anger in a way that releases the yucky feelings and is empowering. I hate feeling stuck. I don’t want to walk around hating everyone. And I certainly don’t want anger to get in the way of feeling desire.

I want to use anger to create change, especially in ways that develop more intimacy. I’m so scared of being rejected for my anger, but it’s a part of me and it matters. He says he wants all of me, so I’ll keep sharing everything. Fuck anger.