The taste of his semen is still in my mouth. He is lying on his back with his eyes closed, a smug blissful smile on his face. I feel very close to him, but I am also enjoying the fact that I sent him into an ecstatic stupor. In these post-orgasm moments we are still wallowing in the pleasure we shared – first he focused on me and then I gave to him. He came this time, but often he does not.
To paraphrase Emerson, pleasure is a journey, not a destination. Neither of us really cares if we orgasm or not. I mean, we are trying to connect to each other and feel good, so an orgasm is often the natural result of that, but coming is not the goal. We are always there for the exploration of pleasure and the expression of love. I live for the experience of using pleasure to open him up like a can opener, hug his inner demons, and ride him like a rocket to the moon. It’s a journey.
Like any journey, we tend to follow some basic steps. We might plan, have a dialog about desires and expectations or make special requests. We prepare, whether that means getting out specific sex toys or going to the bathroom. Sometimes this means unpacking emotional baggage that has collected between us so we can be totally clean and present with each other. Once we embark, we follow our instincts. One of us might drive, taking charge and providing sensual delights for the other. The person being receptive can always make requests or suggestions. We can even decide to pleasure each other at the same time, letting all of the input overwhelm our senses.
When we follow the energy between us, we tend to know when to stop, change activities, or push harder. I like to draw things out as long as I can, bringing him right up to the edge of orgasm and keeping him there. Or approaching the apex, then letting the energy fade, only to build it back up again. He does this to me as well. Pleasure is a journey. How much fun can we have when we are naked together?
We do eventually get to a destination. That destination is not always an orgasm. It often is, but sometimes I get too overstimulated to come right then. I truly do not care because it feels so amazing. I want it to go on forever. It kind of does, because we make love all of the time in everything that we do. When pleasure is a journey, the definition of sex gets pretty loose. We are making love when we cook dinner together, when we snuggle together in front of a movie, when we have passionate discussions, or even when we grocery shop together. It’s there in every kiss and brush of skin on skin. But while we carry this love with us always, each journey tends to have some sort of climax.
After the energy peaks, we coast on a hormone high. In a destination driven system, this would be the “refractory period,” the phase during which a male is physiologically unable to orgasm again. The implication is that sex stops because the guy isn’t able to jizz, but pleasure is infinite. Skin is extremely sensitive in this state. It’s possible to for us to draw out the sensations for quite a while. Or ground out the energy if that feels right and be totally into each other – lay entwined, match relaxed breathing, laugh together, look in each other’s eyes, feed each other tasty food. I like it when he puts steady pressure on my chest with the palm of his hand. We bask in the glow of our interconnectedness.
That’s where I am now – happily remembering the sensation of his cock in my mouth, the taste of pre-cum on my tongue as I flick across the tip, his stomach muscles tense as I suck harder, his breath fast and harsh, his fingers in my hair… Then the feel of his heartbeat against my cheek, relaxing my body into his, fingertips tracing the curve of my shoulder, his very satisfied smile until I kissed his lips into softness… Working on projects separately, but finding reasons every so often to kiss the back of his neck, or look into his eyes, or scratch his back…
We’ve both known lovers for whom the orgasm was the goal. I understand it, I like to come. For many years, I had partners where my pleasure wasn’t a priority, so fighting for the ability to orgasm in the relationship made sense, but that dynamic just makes me feel like I’m always being shorted. I’m not interested in zero-sum sex.
The process of giving and receiving is incredibly powerful. It’s been difficult for me to learn how to trust him enough to let him do what he wants to my body, but now I just melt. He does such amazing things to me. His openness with me has been tremendously empowering for me as a person. I have a confidence that I learned with his balls in my hand. With a partner for whom pleasure is a journey, everything is about abundance. I find that the warmth of the journey carries me a long way. Not only do I feel fantastic about myself and my partner, I spill over with love in all of my relationships and have more to give to my whole family.