A friend once told me that you can’t teach someone to be your Top. It would be like instructing a comedian on a stand-up routine – you would always know the punchlines before they were uttered. I do understand this point of view, but I also believe that you should ask for what you want in a relationship. Everyone needs time and opportunity to develop sexual skills.
For a long time I’ve wanted Harold to take on the role of a Top, Master, or Daddy with me. Just occasionally, just when we are in that mood. We’ve been building our sexual relationship for years – building trust, releasing our fears, aligning our energies. We have awesome hot sex. I’ve enjoyed pushing Harold past his perceived limits in ways that turned us both on like crazy. Now I want him to do the same for me. I’m pushing him to find his inner Top so we can find new limits.
It’s working. Lately he’s been confident enough in us both to mix elements of power play into our lovemaking. It even comes out in the casual flirting/foreplay we engage in all the time. He will grip my face in both hands and kiss me hard, pull my hair, put his hand on my throat – all things that get me going. We do more spanking. He instructs me to do something and, “make Daddy proud.” We explore power differentials through casual role-play. So far we aren’t doing full sessions, but it lets us both get comfortable with uncomfortable roles.
Why would I want to have sex that made me uncomfortable? Because it’s super hot. Because I have deep dark fantasies. I’ve spent a lot of time looking at what arouses me, and power play is right up at the top of the list. I don’t like to feel pain (mostly) and I don’t want to be humiliated (usually), but I want a partner who can take charge of me. With my consent, of course. I don’t want to submit in a way that breaks my spirit, but to serve in a way that allows me to excel. I long for approval. I want to be seduced, swept off my feet. I want a partner who will hold me so I can let go. I need the energy to be just right.
Sound hard? Oh hell yeah. Especially since I get in my own way of getting Topped. Sometimes I feel crushed that I can’t seem to get what I want. I desire very specific sensations or emotions, but I am entirely vague on how they might be achieved. I’m so ready to feel let down that I am hardly able let Harold take me in his own way. I am guilty of Topping from the bottom, when I really want Harold to take the reins.
Yesterday was a breakthrough of sorts, but extremely painful for us both. We started to make love, cautiously feeling our way through a power dynamic that Harold led. (This is huge. I think it’s the first time Harold has taken charge of a sexual encounter between us.) I was feeling the energy the way that I want it, opening up under his touch, and feeling owned in a loving way. The excitement was turning me on and obviously affecting Harold as well, if the massive hard-on leaking pre-cum was any indication.
Then something in the energy changed. Later Harold said that he sensed I was in a lot of emotional pain and it halted the sexual energy for him. What I remember is Harold getting intense and dead serious. He looked in my eyes and demanded that I give myself to him. Then he was silent and staring. For a long time. In sub space I had no idea what to do. I was already giving myself to him. I gave everything, even my pain. Why wasn’t he taking it?
We both ended up pretty freaked out, but we handled it really well. Harold brought me back into a loving and neutral position where he gently patted me on the back. We were able talk through everything in a reasonable, if somewhat passionate way. I managed to get across the idea that when he Topped me I needed clear instructions and a chance to succeed. I might not always be able to complete tasks, but I have to be able feel successful sometimes.
The whole difficult experience brought into stark reality for us the fact that we need to work through this somehow if we want to continue being as close as we are. I would be deeply resentful if there was a part of me that Harold rejected. Part of me wondered why I was messing up the good thing that we share by demanding that we explore a part of my sexuality that is (probably) very small. But wanting to submit is a part of me, in a place where I feel ashamed. I don’t want to carry that shame into my relationship. We both see the dilemma and we want to share everything.
So, despite it being painful for both of us, despite feeling slightly ludicrous, we are committed to learning how to connect in a D/s dynamic. It goes a little against how I normally approach sex – following the energy to it’s natural conclusion. I’m not used to having to work so hard to fulfill a fantasy, but I’ve met too many people who did not feel they could talk to their partners about what they wanted in bed. I have to believe that the payoff here is going to be huge, or at least that it is worth unraveling this stuck energy.