Last week I posted about my desire to deepen and improve my sexual connection with Joel. It sparked many conversations, giving both of us a chance to work through a bunch of stuff. I know that the things I said hurt him. He has always done his best to try to give me what I want, sexually and in all aspects of my life. I wish that I could have spared him that pain, but I am so grateful that we can talk about the things that hurt.
He asked if we could cuddle. We locked the bedroom door and snuggled under the blankets, our faces pressed close. It soothed me to feel his heart beat against the palm of my hand and his breath against my neck. One by one he brought up the things that felt painful and I listened. I reassured him that I think he’s a good person, and that I still choose him. I am bringing up the issue of our sex life because I care deeply and want our life together to be even better. I am advocating for my own pleasure even though I hate the conflict it inspires. I am teaching him how to help make me happier, which I know he wants.
We are lucky. At least we can have this conversation. At least each of us can look at the emotions that come up and see where they come from – see how the things that hurt most we first felt in childhood. We want to comfort each other. I know that if we can open up sex, love will pour over every hurt inside and help us heal.
With Joel spooned behind me and my emotions spread out to see, I began to be aware of him in a sexual way. I pressed my ass against his groin. I asked him to bite my neck. He complied with slow, sharp, sensuous nips. I picked up his hand and placed it on my breast, inviting him to squeeze and caress. I was feeling that golden liquid desire that I love so much!
My hand found his cock straining against his jeans and I grabbed hold to stroke him. By this time I was kind of writhing around in lust. He slid his hand into my pants. I asked him if I was wet enough to fuck and he moved his fingers around to ascertain that I was indeed. He asked me what I wanted (yay!) and I said I wanted him to fuck me from behind. We had one of those moments where we were frantically trying to remove the necessary clothing.
It felt amazing.
He apologized before coming, because he knew I hadn’t orgasmed yet, but I didn’t care. I made him stay inside me while I ran my vibrator. When I couldn’t get the angle and pressure right, I rolled over to kiss him while focused on my pleasure. He stayed with me to the end.
We haven’t made love like that for a while. I still feel more connected to Joel, more open to him. I know we still have some things to work through, but I feel very hopeful. Maybe the answer is simply that I have to be brave enough to face my fears, speak up for what I want, and help my partner work through his fears too. I want him. I want us to be happy. I think we’re going for it. No flinching.