May 232014

In the mirrorI’m such a hypocrite. I spend so much time talking to people about advocating for their own pleasure, and yet when it comes to my own relationship, I take the easy way out. You know, the path that leads to resentment and separation. I know it can be better than this; I even know how to get there, but it feels too hard. Despite my best resolve, in the moment Joel asks for sex, I either avoid it or I follow the path of least resistance.

The other day when I got out of the shower, Joel was getting ready to get in. I had just spent some time bring myself to orgasm, so I was feeling pretty sexy. Joel stood there watching me do my morning routine, slowly stroking his cock. It immediately put me off my high. It felt like he was being voyeuristic in a creepy way. I didn’t say anything because I figured it was my trigger, my problem. He’s entitled to get himself off.

But then he said, “Are you just going to watch?” and I was confused. I couldn’t think of anything to say. At all. He suggested that he would come a whole lot faster if he beat off while going down on me. (Is faster better?) Oral sex seemed like it might at least feel good (and provide lubrication if he decided to fuck me).

His tongue on my clit was indeed pleasant, but I was still in a place where I hadn’t really consented. I hadn’t come to this place willingly and joyfully. I hadn’t said no either. I kind of wanted to be making love, just not like this. Despite all my knowledge and skills and advice to others, I still can’t figure out how to create the sexual relationship I want with Joel. I have tried to explain what I want, but I hold back in the places where it really counts.

I don’t like this about myself. I hardly ever give in to fear, but I am really scared of rejection in my marriage. It doesn’t seem to matter that these quick bouts of maintenance sex also feel like a rejection. I don’t want to fight. I think that if he doesn’t want the whole of me now, he will never be interested. Yet, if I can’t open the door to sexual awakening for my own partner, how can I pretend to know anything?

I don’t know anything, except my own experience. I feel so blessed to know myself fully as a sexual being. Maybe I don’t need to have that mind-blowing kind of sex with Joel. Maybe what we have is just fine for us. Okay, maybe it’s ok for him, because it really isn’t okay for me. I want more in this relationship or not to have sex at all. I love him so much that I want to share wonderful sex with him.

We had a very intense hot connection when we first got together. Joel chalks that up to new relationship energy, but it gives me hope. At some point, we had the energy I’m wanting. It’s still there. It’s still ours. We just have to figure out what we want our relationship to look like now.

We had a conversation recently where I realized that we define sex differently. I’m pretty sure that he means penis-in-vagina, pounding away sex, whereas I mean all of the things that might increase intimacy between people – sharing a meal, talking about intense things, lots of touch or massage, looking into each other’s eyes, kissing, oral sex, anal play, sensation play, bondage – anything that deepens and broadens the connection and sensations between you. By Joel’s definition it’s highly unlikely that I could have sex for 4 hours. By my definition, some days I never stop having sex. I am a very passionate person, but if I didn’t have other sexual relationships, I would think that I just wasn’t that into sex.

The other day in the bathroom, he did ask to fuck me, and I agreed. It was physically fine, but emotionally kind of like any chore that I might sign up for, knowing it would help him and make him feel better. He came, then got in the shower. My orgasm, or lack thereof, never got mentioned.

I’m tired of feeling like a blow-up doll, but I have to accept responsibility for my part in being stuck in this dynamic. I need to be an active participant. I’m sick of giving in to sex once a month when I want to feel passionate all the time. I feel trapped by all of the things we share – our family, our home, our history. I love him like crazy. I care about him deeply.

I tried to explain that I want to have sex WITH him, rather than him having sex AT me. I think he gets it. Now it falls to me to follow through and show him what I want. Can we sync up our sexualities? Can our relationship still grow and change after all these years?

We’re going to figure it out.

(Edit: the conversation continues with No flinching and Keep talking.)

  • L

    I’ve been following your blog for sometime now. I felt like this was a conversation long coming. As someone with an outside perspective, I would advise you to reread your older blogs. You definitely always seem to prefer your connections with Harold and rarely with Joel. You don’t have to go too deep to discover what exactly you’re unhappy about, you have it in writing.

    You gotta get out of this rut and into the groove.

    There are little things I would do to respark and rekindle your relationship. You both should try being sweet to each other. Take a week off together. Just you, just him. Try to leave your baggage behind for this week. Don’t make excuses like work or kids, find a way to make it happen it’s important and worth it.

    Then, in the morning, if you wake up before him – write him a note. Write him about what you love about him. Just positive things. Then if you’ve got time, grab some sticky notes and make it a scavenger hunt to find this love note. It sounds dumb, but you know it’s a fun way to start the morning. Solving riddles just to find a love note. Ask him to do something sweet for you if he wakes up before you. Bring you flowers, make breakfast, write you a love note. Anything he would consider a romantic endeavor. Something fun. Something romantic. Something that’s not just to get to having sex, but to make you happy. Apply the same consideration to him.

    If you wake up together, make breakfast together. Slap his ass, call him a stud muffin or a hunkasaurus or something equally silly. Laugh together. Try not to be negative at all during this time, just enjoy each other.

    Shake it up a little. Go down to the river and have a picnic. Relax, rest your heads on each other’s shoulders and just listen to each other breathing and the sounds around you.

    Don’t be afraid to ask for consideration. Don’t be afraid to say you don’t know what you need. Don’t go into this thinking he won’t even try. Don’t give up on you or yourself or having romance and healthy sex with this man. Just be together, and do your best to be happy. Give and take emotionally. Dedicate time to this.

    Then see where you stand.

  • Evoe Thorne

    Thank you for your considerate reply. These are great ideas. And we do a lot of stuff like this all the time. We are great partners. We have a strong romantic and emotional connection. We talk about everything. I’m actually really happy with everything but our sex.

    If you’ve been reading along, then you know that there have been some health concerns and that Joel is often away from home for work. Really our problems have been there for a long time. I’m only now coming to a place where I can take responsibility for my part and speak up.

    It’s painful. This was hard for Joel to read. He said, “I thought I was doing what you wanted,” which makes me wish I would have been ready to talk long ago. And honestly, this post is a snapshot of how I was feeling in a moment of time. Joel and I do have great sex some of the time. I shared this piece because I know a lot of couples find themselves in this place and because I am committed to healing the parts that hurt.

    Thank you for being so caring and creative in your comment!

  • cammies on the floor

    There really are some great suggestions, I do the sticky love notes all the time, and so does my husband. I understand what you mean when you wrote about the unsatisfactory intimacy, I have been in a long term relationship like that before. It was painful to read because you described your emotions so well that I went back to that place. I hated my frustration, despite my optimism.

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