Jun 212014
 

KissHarold and Melanie are having a date right now. It’s making me feel all warm and tingly thinking about them finding pleasure in each other. Their love for each other is a beautiful thing and makes the whole family happier. I adore Harold, so I want him to enjoy himself. I feel compersion – joy and expansiveness in my partner’s pleasure with others.

In fact, today I did my best to gift wrap Harold for Melanie’s enjoyment. From the time I woke up this morning, until he left for their date, I kept him turned on. We both knew he mustn’t orgasm, but everything else was fair game. We avoided penis-in-vagina penetration because neither of us has that much willpower. Other than that, I was ruthless. I know Harold’s body so well. I can keep him pretty close to the edge without going over.

We just flowed together from the moment I stretched myself awake and demanded that he scratch my back. We kissed, hard and wild, soft and sensuous, deep and demanding. I let him go down on me until I couldn’t stand it. I came for him with his fingers curled inside me. I taunted him with my body until he took his pants off. His balls suffered my brutal attentions. I squeezed, stroked, and slapped his hard cock.

Although I had no intention of actually letting him fuck me, I slipped into guy mode, turning the tables with every lame-ass wheedling plea I have ever heard: “Come on, I know a slut like you wants to,” and “You don’t want my balls to get blue, do you? You don’t want to hurt me,” and “Stop being such a tease.” It felt empowering to role-play with those ridiculous lines. We almost couldn’t resist!

Even though we were laughing and thoroughly enjoying ourselves, we both could feel when we needed to stop. There is a place where the energy shifts and frustration takes over, turning desire into something uncomfortable. We went to make breakfast, but we kept some low-level tension going – mostly caresses and kissing, innuendo and eye contact.

I picked it up again later, taking advantage of him helping me to bleach my hair by sliding a couple of lubed fingers into his asshole. I might have followed up with some lube on his penis. Poor boy. But I didn’t get into the shower with him. Again, we don’t have infinite willpower! I’m glad that I can orgasm as much as I want.

Delayed gratification can be so good. I don’t even care that he isn’t going to be fucking me! I imagine him like a wind up toy that I have spun up and sent in Melanie’s direction. I can’t wait to hear about how it goes!

Jun 192014
 

ThreesomeI made love with two hot men while a third sexy man took care of the children and cooked me amazing Thai food! I’ve been thinking about that all day while contemplating how amazingly awesome my life is. I mean, really, I am in awe that I have somehow done something so right as to have three beautiful people doting on my pleasure. And this leads me to think about the fact that sex never happens in a vacuum. There is always a backstory, always a context.

When you watch porn or read erotica, the context is often stripped away so that only the sex remains. You might get a few clues about who the characters are and what happened to bring them together, but mostly it’s just titillating sex. If sex isn’t part of an ongoing conversation, it becomes something separate, maybe even secret. I’m realizing that part of what I do as an educator is give sex the same weight as everything else in life. I talk about sex as much as I talk about food or books or health issues.

Actually, health issues were kind of my context for making love yesterday. Yesterday morning I had a needle biopsy to check for cancer cells in my thyroid. (Don’t worry, it came back benign!) I was pretty anxious about having needles poked into my throat, but I had so much support. (If you read my post about why I practice polyamory, you will know how important this is to me.) I had Harold with me and lots of love over text.

I chose to do this procedure, but it still triggered me. Needles are invasive. Having to hold completely still was unbearable. The sensation of my skin, my protective covering, being breached while I sat helpless felt like rape. Then at one point, the sensation of the needle in my thyroid made me wonder if this is how it feels for Harold when I put a needle through his balls. That sexy thought got me past a difficult moment!

After that ordeal I felt super strong, but I also wanted to be wrapped up in love. I needed to let go of all of the tensions and anxieties of the morning. I longed to be caressed and covered in kisses. When I got home, Joel was there with his big strong arms to hug me and hold me. With his love as a solid foundation, I went off to spend the afternoon with Harold and Woody.

This was the first time I had been naked with Woody. It’s always exciting getting to know a new lover, figuring out what makes them gasp, letting them explore your body. It was surprisingly fluid for a first time, especially after we worked out that the men were okay touching each other, rather than it just being me in the middle. In fact, the men seemed to really enjoy each other, which makes me all kinds of happy.

One of my favorite sensations in the whole universe is being in a tangled naked pile, hands and mouths exploring whatever flesh happens to be presenting. I let myself be purely in the moment, wholly focused on pleasure. It ceases to be about individuals or ego, and becomes supercharged sensation. It’s amazing.

We mostly did sensation play. I adore how responsive Woody is to my fingernails, or the Wartenberg wheel, or electostim. He shuttered in pleasure in Harold’s arms as I applied each kind or stimulus to his back. It was delicious!

Men togetherAnother one of my favorite moments was spooning into Woody’s arms while he was sitting. We were all talking, then he spread my legs and held my labia open for Harold to lick at my clit. I liked that a lot! They asked me how I was doing and I admitted that being restrained was turning me on. I struggled for a few moments, enjoying the “forced” oral sex. Amazingly hot!

We made love for hours – sweet, rough, intimate, loud, wet, sweaty, slow, intense love. This process let me take back my body from the medical vehicle of the morning. Every kiss and caress I consented to was validation that I owned my body. Every act I instigated verified that I am whole and unbroken. If I can love, I am powerful.

Equanimity restored, we returned to Joel and the chaos of home. It is such a joy be relaxed and happy and come home to the people I love. Joel was producing incredible scents on the stove and the children were excited to share about their days. Having the freedom of sexual expression makes me such a better partner and mother.

That’s my context – mother, partner, lover, friend, human – with faults, and problems, and worries – and I am blessed, beyond my ability to imagine, with people who have my back. And are willing to help me come at a moment’s notice.

Jun 142014
 

LoveSex.

A lot of people I talk to think that polyamory is all about sex. Kinky sex, with lots of people, and orgies every weekend. While I sincerely hope that someone, somewhere is living that dream, sex is not why I practice polyamory. I love to have sex (and I do have sex with multiple partners) but sex isn’t the reason I choose to have multiple partners.

Everyone has their own reasons and methods for being polyamorous, and there is no “right” way to do it.  I do it for three simple reasons: support, change, and love.

Support:   I love the extended emotional, physical, and financial support of having an extended polyamorous family and community.

I envision people in a relationship as vines that twine around each other, offering support for individual growth – sometimes more together, sometimes more apart – but always commingled, always headed in roughly the same direction. Adding more strands strengthens the combined vine and makes it easier to get to where you are going, assuming that everyone has a similar goal.

I practice polyamory because the road of life can be long and hard to go alone. I want the support of many hands. Not everyone in my support system is a lover, but the intimacy of a sexual relationship tends to open me to deeper trust. I am blessed by the love and support of many people, something I do not think I would allow myself if I were in a monogamous relationship.

Some people worry that polyamory with be harmful for children. Practically speaking, all families with children could use more support than one or two parents can offer. Children are my top priority and they are a massive investment of time, energy, and money. Polyamory offers the extended support for childrearing that traditionally has been filled by extended family, small villages, or church communities. I am always vigilant for my children’s welfare and safety. Nothing replaces the stability of parents, but who says you can only have two? My kids have access to all manner of cool people who care about them. 

ChangeChange:  Being able to explore my connections with many different people helps me grow and change, letting me more fully become my whole self.

I have a lust for new experiences. I have never been content to sit still. My goal is always to continue learning and growing. No artificial limits! I conquer my fears one at a time because I want to live life to the fullest. Every poetic turn of phrase, sacred ritual, brilliant piece of art, heart wrenching performance, deep philosophical conversation, and wildly intuitive lover I experience influences my growth as an evolving person.

Not only do I want these catalysts for myself, I want the people I care about to also be expanding and thriving. I like to excite potential. I am intensely curious about the individuals I am drawn to. Peeling away the layers of interests, adventures, and emotion to get to the gooey center is delicious to me, and I can’t help but change the people I get that close to.

When people tell me that they could never be poly because they get too jealous, what I hear is that they are too afraid of change in the relationship. And they are right, it can be extremely difficult to watch your partner move in a direction that is away from you. Harder still to do the work necessary to keep up with their growth, whether to follow them or let them go.

SupportLove:  Genuine love for myself and others fills my life with ineffable sweetness that helps to balance the inevitable pain that comes with being alive.

Some people say that they are poly because it’s ridiculous to expect to get your needs met by one person. I disagree. I can absolutely get my needs met by one person – me. I practice polyamory because I am full of love. The more I love, the more it spills out onto everyone around me. Time, money, and energy are limited, but love is infinite.

I am so curious about people. I want to learn about the individuals I am drawn to, find out what they are passionate about, get down into their core. Sometimes I find a sexual connection and sometimes I don’t. Being poly means that I can let each relationship be just what it is, not just what I would like it to be. I am not trying to persuade myself to be in love where I am not and I am not trying to deny love when it is evident.

I am opening myself up to being inspired, even changed, by these people I love. Sex creates a deeper conduit, so I am careful about who I expose my soul to. Careful, but not fearful. I give my heart easily, knowing that pain will also be my teacher. When I fall in love, I let my curiosity drive.

 

Self loveI like to think that in practice, my form of polyamory has a lot in common with the best of monogamous marriage: I meet someone and fall in love, we find that we share common dreams for the future, and we commit to help support each other in being the best people we can be. The only difference is that I maintain several relationships like that.

The down side is that I am maintaining several marriage-level relationships. That’s a lot of communication. Mostly it’s not a problem, but sometimes I feel my limitations. I’m not always great at communicating. Some days I don’t feel very expansive and it’s hard to offer support, be open to change, or feel the love around me. Days like that I’m lucky that I’m not the only person in this system.

Jun 082014
 

A-okayTwo weeks ago I wrote about starting a difficult conversation with my partner of 14 years, Joel, bringing up things I was unhappy with in our sex life. It was extremely painful for us both when I admitted that I wasn’t getting everything I desired, but it gave us a chance to talk through hurt feelings and realize that we really do want the same things. It’s a relief to let go of old resentments and just enjoy being together.

Our whole relationship has been lifted to a new level. We are spending more time hanging out together, working as partners, making love to each other. He says beautiful things to me all the time, letting me know that he respects me and is attracted to me. I really listen when he tells me about the loneliness he feels spending half the week away from home and the jealousy he feels toward my other partners. We take care of each other. We are dreaming and planning the future together.

We’ve been like this all along, but I feel so much more aligned with Joel right now. He is way more present with me. Maybe the things I wrote before kind of woke him up. Maybe stepping forward to talk about these uncomfortable things made it possible for me to be more present with him. Either way, or both, I believe we are happier together than we have been in years.

Last night Joel came into the bathroom to keep me company while I got ready to go out. I had 20 minutes to be totally ready to walk out the door. As I finished applying mascara, he commented on my cleavage. I’m not even sure how it happened, but I was almost instantly out of my pants and underwear, balanced on the edge of the counter, bracing my feet against Joel’s shoulders as he buried his face in my cunt.

When the sensations got too intense to stand any more direct stimulation, I bent over the sink and asked him to give me a few swats. His hand landed a few well placed spanks, leaving my ass hot and stinging. My face was level with his cock when he unzipped his fly. I gave him a few strokes and looked up at him. I wanted to be fucked. Joel positioned himself behind me while I braced myself against the sink. It took us a moment to get him inside me because I was so wet. Feeling him thrust into me, pulling my hips back to meet him, made my toes curl in ecstasy.

He came, pushing deeper into me and holding back his orgasmic cries. We held position for a few moments, hearts pounding, breathing hard. Then he held me and we laughed. I wiped up and finished getting ready.

I thought about this encounter compared to the one I wrote about 2 weeks ago. In many ways what happened was the same – quick, in the bathroom, cunnilingus, fucking, no orgasm for me – but my experience of it couldn’t be more different. Two weeks ago I felt like I hadn’t fully consented, that I was being used, and that we weren’t connecting. Last night we made love in a way that I felt in control of, was super sexy for me, and brought us closer together. I made a conscious decision not to try bringing myself to orgasm because I wanted to spend my evening in that turned-on state. Call it prolonged foreplay. The time limit actually contributed to my ardor. I love a good quicky.

I am so much happier now than I was a few weeks ago. I wish I would have been brave enough, ready enough, to have these conversations with Joel sooner. I think that resentment kills relationships quicker than anything else. Letting go of the things I resented has let me feel close to him again. Communicating better about what I want has let Joel participate in my life in a way that we both want. I feel more involved in his life as well. Everything simply seems easier. I’m going to keep talking.