Jul 302014

My mother left when I was four.  I was 11 when we moved from Baltimore to Seattle the first time I can remember my father touching me or saying, “I love you.” I remember because I was surprised. Shocked really.

I grew up a very lonely and isolated person.

All the way through my late teens and early twenties I truly believed I was not a very sexual person, then I met my husband.

Well Crap! I found out what that thing was that had been missing. We both did; he is a Texan from a devout Southern Baptist family and surprise! Guess who is the black sheep? We fumbled through kink, swinging and power exchange without any guidance. We didn’t even know what a safeword was. Sometimes I am truly amazed that we survived those years.

It was a long and rocky road. We hurt each other, we held each other and I learned the secret to my sexuality: trust.

For me to truly ‘engage’ with a partner I need to know there are no hidden pitfalls, no traps, no disingenuous rational for hurting me. That I will not drop off of someone’s dance card simply because ‘New and Shiny’ entered the picture. Otherwise I feel too ‘at risk’ to make myself truly vulnerable.

But when that connection happens I become someone, something, totally different than the woman who can barely control her body, resides in the steel box of a wheelchair and mourns for what she can no longer have.

I become the same primal force that has always been inside of me; I welcome it to overtake me. I embrace it and I am freed from the constraints of my body. I have three lovers who have all told me that when I am truly turned on that I do not even look like the same person. I don’t know how this happens or why, but when all is properly lined up I feel like liquid sex. I want to pour myself over my partner like honey. I feel this compulsion to figuratively consume them and carry them with me on the fierce, powerful tide that sweeps me. Teeth and tongues and cocks and clits. Oh, My!

It all becomes one fluid organism of freedom. My disease has left this to me for now. For this I am grateful, but I know that I cannot trust that it will still be with me tomorrow. Carpe Diem indeed!

 Posted by at 2:28 pm
Jul 242014

Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.”
– Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

ReflectionsHarold and I have hurt each other so much over the last bit. It doesn’t even matter what about. Neither of us means to hurt the other. We are both trying as hard as we can to make it right. My heart aches. I keep accepting the pain and opening up my soul to him, giving myself to him. We have always done this, always been able to take each other in, pain and all. We heal ourselves and each other and become even closer.

We haven’t been able to figure out how to work this alchemy in this particular place yet. (It’s a specific dynamic. We seem to get along fine everywhere else.) We have both had moments of despair, believing that we would never repair the damage. We know that if we do not manage to pass through this pain and find healing, we will not be together in the same way again. Paradise will cast us out. Fear of losing the greatest intimacy I have ever known is making it impossible for me to be intimate right now. It’s a trap. I feel betrayed.

Are you wondering why it matters so much? I think most relationships begin in a place of innocence. We feel the pull of attraction, we explore the infinite possibilities of synergistic joining, and our bodies are flooded with hormones that make us feel fantastic. Eventually, something happens that causes pain. Until that moment, we are innocent, we love without flinching. After that we know deep down that we should anticipate getting hurt. We become guarded. It matters because it is impossible for me to make love in a profound way if I am flinching away in fear. What I value most in life are my intimate relationships.

The brilliant thing about Harold and me is that we have cherished and nurtured our innocence. We make love on such a deep level that holding onto pain in the relationship would make our sex life impossible to maintain. We have certainly fought and had passionate disagreements. In fact, Joel feels like we fight all of the time, but the truth is that we don’t dare let a disagreement become a resentment. We value the deep open connection we have too much.

We’ve witnessed so many relationships become stagnant because people let issues build up without addressing them. It’s hard to maintain intimacy when you know that your partner is likely to do anything to avoid confrontation or hurt you in the same places over and over without resolution. Harold and I have known that we wanted to be constantly growing and have consciously sought a clean, open, and dynamic connection.

Surprisingly, we’ve been able to continue having pretty amazing sex, even through an endless series of painful arguments, a fact that gives me a huge amount of hope for resolution. Often in the past, if we were able to connect sexually, we could carry that energy into different aspects of our relationship. Right now, we can make love in connective and mind-blowing ways, but we still feel stuck.

Loss of innocenceThat’s what makes this current issue feel so dire. We’ve been trying to work through the issue and our normal coping methods aren’t working fast enough. We love each other so much. We normally meet each other without reservation. If we can’t work this out, we will still stay together – we are good partners in many ways other than sexually, spiritually, and emotionally – but I will grieve. I will be heartbroken over what I have lost.

In the meantime, I haven’t given up yet. I think we can work this out and have what we want. I continue to consciously choose love over fear. I pass through the pain to find him. I am not innocent any more. I know it’s going to hurt and that’s okay. It is my submission, should he choose to take me.

Jul 132014

BraggingMaybe it isn’t nice to brag, but I’m not a nice person and I’ve had an incredible week. Seriously, amazing! After complaining about not getting enough sex over the last bit, I am suddenly romantically and sexually saturated. I mean like, sex nine times in the past week! I haven’t been this active in years.

I love summer. All of my happy sexual energy flows like a fountain when the weather heats up. I’ve been investing energy in nurturing my existing relationships and going out into the world and cultivating new relationships. Now everything has blossomed in the summer sun.

I am so grateful for the amazing people in my life – the ones I’ve written about before and a couple of new ones I’m sure I will be writing about! (There are even a few people still on the hook for later.) In the mean time, let me break down my wild week for you…

  • That feeling when you admire someone from afar and then all of a sudden you find out that they are into you too? Yeah, I’ve been chatting all week with a gloriously gorgeous, sexy, smart woman.  Flirting and getting to know her makes me glow.
  • Now that I’ve made a commitment to do more photo shoots, I have many awesome people volunteering to be models. So excited!
  • So. Much. Kissing! Making out is the best thing ever.
  • I love having people cook for me and this week two different men cooked me incredible dinners. One was raw tacos, spicy and sensuously eaten. The other was oysters, salmon, shitakes, and peppers off the grill, served lakeside with raspberries in champagne. This totally gets me going!
  • MarksI learned about fire cupping, leaving many large dark circles on my front and back. (I’ve been told either I look like I was attacked by a hentai octopus or like an angel whose wings have been removed.)  Cupping was an excellent starting place for an erotic adventure.
  • Got the best spanking of my life from an experienced Daddy. I totally pushed the limits of what I thought I would be able to handle. My ass is black and blue. It made me want a fucking in the best way.
  • I spent one full moon evening naked with a group of people I care about while we tried to slap away mosquitos. I got to be their gender fluid hoser. No really, I sprayed them down with a garden hose! I also inherited a huge box of dongs. The jokes write themselves.
  • If you are open-minded about your definition of sex (and I am), I had sex an astonishing 9 times in 7 days: Four interesting and passionate partners, once by myself. Sometimes quick and dirty, once deep into the night in every position, three times in the shower until the water went cold. Four penis-in-vagina instances, more often making love with mouths and hands. Twice no one orgasmed (but it felt fantastic), three times only I came, and four times it was an all-skate. Every single time felt intimate and connective.

That’s right, I’m bragging about how great my sex life is. Actually, my whole life is awesome. Sometimes when I have a lot of sex I begin to feel out of balance, like I can’t sustain the pace and I might crash. It isn’t like that at all right now. I feel very grounded and balanced and good! I’m just needing to find more time in my schedule to write. I have so much to write about, but it’s happening faster than I have time to write.  I can’t wait to see what happens next!