The other day I was telling a friend all about Abby and I called her my girlfriend. My girlfriend! I realized that even though we’ve only made love together twice and only been alone together for a weekend, she is my girlfriend in all the ways that matter. I think about her all the time. I want to do all of the things that make her happy. I turn to her to gripe about all of my day-to-day stresses because she will totally understand, but also call me on my shit. I think she’s gorgeous, smart, goofy, strong, empathetic, creative, and sexy. She knows all kinds of stuff. Abby just totally rocks my socks.
I met Abby on the 4th of July and we’ve been talking ever since. We both have a lot of constraints in our lives. We are both mothers, with kids around the same ages. We both have husbands, other partners, and friends in our lives. (In fact, we met because we both see Woody.) We are busy people with limited spoons. Abby has MS and she’s lost the ability to move her legs, so she’s in a wheelchair. I sometimes feel overwhelmed out in the world. Together we seem to augment each other in this awesome way.
I’m in love. If I try to examine it, it seems strange to be able to maintain a deep relationship over text messaging and occasional in person visits, but it’s working so far. I feel like Abby sees me – really, actually sees who I am as a person. This is such a rare an amazing quality. I think she’s psychic because she will sometimes text me out of the blue with exactly the thing I need to hear. How does she even do that?!? She brings me little presents all the time. She gave me a romantic card to invite me to a concert on Valentine’s Day. She makes me melt.
Yet, despite occasional nerves when I’m about to see her, this isn’t just new relationship energy. It feels deeper than that. Yes, I’m twitterpated, but she’s also firmly in my heart. I keep wanting to know more, to immerse myself in her mysteries. I am basking in her love. We don’t have the urgency of new love, only the urgency that her physical condition will likely continue to deteriorate and we want to try all of the things while we can.
Learning Abby’s body has been both the same and different from other lovers. She’s so fucking strong. I love her scars because they tell a story and are a testament to her strength. I love how easily she lets go when my fingers touch her flesh, how much she trusts me with her vulnerability. I am profoundly touched by her trust in me. She was willing to go away with me over night, knowing that I would see both her physical and emotional weaknesses. She did it anyway. That’s my definition of strong.
And it gets better! Abby is kinky. Like maybe kinkier than me. We are both switchy. We haven’t played with power dynamics much, but I know that is there. I am looking forward to seeing what that looks like. I like the way she moans when I pull her hair. Abby put her whole hand in my cunt and I orgasmed what felt like forever. It was totally different than anything I’ve ever felt, freakishly amazing and intense. I’m surprised I didn’t break her hand. But then I had my hand inside of her and it was so sweet. Fisting sounds so harsh, but it’s incredible, like I was in her very center, experiencing everything she was feeling. She opened up for me.
Spending the weekend in a hotel with Abby made me face some of my weird buried issues about lesbian relationships. I’m very out in my life, but we all have assumptions and fears we aren’t normally even aware of. For me, it’s that men are good for things like cleaning up dog poop and and taking out the garbage. If two women are together without a man, who takes out the garbage? I know logically how ridiculous this is, but I also know it comes from my grandparents being married for 50 years and my Gramma not knowing how to take out the trash after he died. Even though we were treated with all kinds of respect, I get a little nervous presenting as a middle-aged lesbian couple. What if someone decides to beat the crap out of us?
Despite having had many girlfriends and having my own vagina, I am not as confident with women as I am with men. In my experience, guys tend to be more driven, or at least trained to be more assertive sexually. I’ve been in situations with women where we both kind of waited around to see what was going to happen. I am more sexually confident now, but I was still glad that Abby made moves on me!
Actually, Abby made the moves in the beginning too, expressing interest in me. If she hadn’t, I doubt I would have gotten to know her in the same way. Just in general, I am so thankful for Abby. We have fun together. I can’t believe how lucky I am that she is my girlfriend!