It’s the kind of autumn day that feels sweet and sad. The sun suddenly breaks through the clouds, setting a million droplets of rain sparkling. Bright leaves crunch under my feet and the scent of wood smoke is in the air. In another few moments the sky will darken and the wind will make the cedar boughs sway. This season reminds me that all things continue to change. I must let go of the old so that I may create anew. While I might still lust for the hot long days of summer, the only way to find them again is by moving forward.
The legal divorce is final. It’s what I wanted, but seeing the official papers made me cry. I remember when our lives together held so much potential. It’s humbling to realize that he’s doing so much better without me. I don’t think he’s sees how well he’s doing yet because this change is painful, but I am proud of him. As we make our way through this healing process, both alone and together, I see that we are finding a way to share our lives and our family that is more authentic.
As the trees shake off their clothes and prepare to dream through the winter, so too am I stripping down to the barest essence of myself and exploring the infinite possibilities. The deeper I go, the more I find my heat, my passion. I feel grounded and alive.
To balance my grief, I am also happier now than I have ever been in my life. It feels wrong to be so happy when other people are not. It’s hard to disentangle, difficult to stop taking care of everyone, but I’m working on boundaries. I working on letting relationships be what they actually are.
I don’t have words for my relationship with Harold. We are primal forces. When he opens his arms to me, it is like falling into warm ocean waves. When we kiss, it’s like the universe opens up and I witness the birth of stars. His touch makes me shiver with excitement like a spring breeze tickling the back of my neck. We talk for hours because the exchange of ideas is like lightning. We cry because the rain isn’t enough to hold the emotions of the world. The fertile energy of our sex creates a new life for us and for our family.
The sex has been so good lately.
I’ve always had such a beautiful connection with Harold. Our sexual repertoire is vast: sweet, kinky, silly, easy, cuddly, hot, lingering, loud, passionate, intense, playful. What amazes me is that we keep expanding into new territory. Harold has been Topping me in a delicious way lately. Like a toe curling, orgasms rolling, psyche bending kind of way. Increased trust between us means that our walls are down and we are more spontaneous. We are generally people who have sex 2-3 times a week, but lately it’s often more like 2-3 times a day. I am profoundly grateful for this connective time and the healing it brings.
I need to be healed. It’s terrifying to be so close to another human. I feel so exposed, so vulnerable to being hurt. Every single time I face my fears, and we talk through another layer of emotions. I shed more of the tropes that once kept me safe, like the trees that line the road. To hold onto them at this point would jeopardize my survival. We need to be healed. We keep leaning in until all that’s left is the truth of our souls.
I may be turning my energy inward now as the autumn leaves tell me it’s time to hoard resources, but I am also blessed by new possibility in my life. I look forward to a long, dark, cozy winter. We will see what blossoms in the spring.