Masturbation

Aug 152014
 

Hotel sexMy head is still swirling with images from last weekend – memories of taking the train to Portland, experiencing my first leather event, and swanky hotel threesome sex all invade my mind. It was a good time. I felt like a teenager running away from home, full of excitement tinged with a trace of fear. I felt like I was getting away with something wicked and I relished every moment on my own. I made it all count.

Harold dropped me off at the train station, where Hobbit and her Princess Girlfriend found me. On the way down to Portland they explained the basics of leather culture and titles. They were both very gracious in answering all my questions. Although I’ve spent most of my life on the edges of the LGBT  and BDSM communities, I have never directly attended a leather event. (I love new experiences!) In Portland, we met up with Woody, DW, and Shawna.

Shawna's formal look

Photo courtesy of Leland Carina

My Sweet Girl, Shawna, was running for Ms. Oregon State Leather. I wanted to be there to see her in her element. And I was there, with the taste of whisky in my mouth, the smell and creak of leather around me, music blasting, and the trace of a lover’s fingers along the back of my neck. I felt alive in a way I rarely experience, but value more than anything. I got to see Shawna and the other competitors explain how they would serve the community. I watched the outrageous manifestations of their fantasies come to life onstage. I witnessed the contestants poise when answering pop questions. I learned a lot about leather culture observing their numerous outfit changes. Underneath everything was a sense of humor and unapologetic sexuality.

Everyone I encountered was warm, respectful, and self-contained. It’s the first time I have ever been in a bar or club and not had someone come on to me in a sticky or obnoxious way. People did talk to me. I had fascinating conversations with interesting people. But I never even came close to having to tell someone to fuck off. It’s nice to be fully and comfortably in my sexual self and not have to defend my boundaries because someone else thinks that all my shiny is for them. I think these leather folks are onto something.

Shawna's victory pose

Photo courtesy of Leland Carina

Mostly, I was happy to see Shawna win the title. My Sweet Girl is now Ms. Oregon State Leather 2014! I’m so proud of all that she’s accomplished and I know that she’s going to spend the next year doing great things for the leather community. I am endlessly amazed by her humility and grace, as well as the strength of her convictions and iron will. I love her.

I was proud of myself because after the contest was over, I did exactly what I wanted to do. I did not go to the after party. I did not go out to eat with friends. I went back to my lovely hotel and engaged in self-care. I ate food that I brought with me, that would not make me sick. I put ice on my broken toes. I read my book.

While I enjoyed alone time, I was excited when DW texted to say that he was in the lobby with Shawna. I took the elevator down to get them. In a surreal moment, we went back up with a couple that had just gotten married. They asked about Shawna’s Ms. Oregon State Leather sash!

When I think about you...It’s such a joy to sit and talk to friends. Even better when we snuggle up in bed together. I think DW delights in helping people actualize their desires because soon hands were roaming and Shawna started moaning. DW had her ask me for fisting (which I had mentioned being into earlier). We had her spread across the bed between us – DW’s cock in her throat and my whole hand inside her beautiful cunt. Fisting is such a deeply spiritual experience for me, although I normally have more of an opportunity to check in with the person I am inside. Her vaginal contractions were so strong, she would force my hand out over and over. It was the most amazing thing.

When Shawna felt she’d had enough, she switched to giving DW head from on top. I played with his nipples and sat on his face until I came. Shortly after, DW orgasmed.

It was four in the morning. I usually go to bed no later than 10:00, but some things are well worth staying up for. Shawna and DW left to return to their hotel room, but Shawna confessed that this was her first threesome. I feel honored that she chose to spend the evening with me. I hope I did right by her.

Satisfied and dreamyI tumbled into a contented, dreamy sleep, only to awaken at 8:00 a.m. That’s sleeping in for me! I stumbled around figuring out coffee and rejecting room service. Woody texted me from the Bolt Bus on his way back to Seattle. I got him to sext me while I used my vibrator to come over and over. I wonder what the person next to him thought.

My own trip home was good. I thought lots of deep thoughts. I felt both satiated and hungry for more. I really love the train. It’s so relaxing to stare out the window and think in peace. My fantasy life is rich, but occasionally, real life eclipses my imagination.

Apr 072014
 

On the beachI suspect that, at some point, everyone has to look at how sex defines their life. How do I identify as a sexual (or non-sexual) person? Where does sex stand in my hierarchy of values? What is sex anyway?

Harold and I went away for the weekend and we discussed many of these concepts because I’ve been struggling with thyroid problems again. My sexuality as I have known it is on hiatus. I wrote a post about thyroid function and sexuality a while ago. When I reread that list of possible symptoms for hypothyroidism, I realize that I have been experiencing every single one. If I look back I can recognize a very gradual decline of my thyroid function over the past 3-6 months, with the last month being extremely difficult.

We needed some time away by ourselves. My extreme fatigue and lack of desire make it hard for us to just flow together sexually the way that we are used to doing. I’m missing that sensation of immediate lust that feels like sap rising in tree or riding a carnival ride – a thrill of warmth that starts in my cunt and moves up to my heart. Intellectually, I am still very interested in making love, I just don’t feel it. It takes more time for me to get my mind, body, and emotions aligned so sex flows. 

When sex stops being easy for me, I am forced to examine all of my assumptions about who I am as a person and in a relationship. Harold and I spent a lot of time talking, as I tearfully wondered if I would ever really want to have sex again (which is kind of silly because we then went on to have lots of sex, but I needed to examine my fears). We sat on the beach and I poured out my heart, asking him if he would still love me and want me if we never had sex again. How would we connect? And slowly, I remembered all of the ways that we love each other. We make love in many ways that I would not consider “sex” and while I adore our sexual connection, it was a relief to realize that I will not lose him if I cannot recover my lust.

Leave your hat onTo be clear, the only person pressuring me to be sexual is me. I get really frustrated that this isn’t something I can think my way through. I get scared that I might never feel that thrill and transcendence through sex again. Much of this weekend was spent processing a loss I don’t even believe is permanent. But sex is strong like that.

Sometimes just knowing that a “no” is okay, lets me say yes. Knowing that I didn’t have to perform sexually in any particular way freed me to simply be present in the moment. I knew that Harold would meet me no matter what I brought to our lovemaking. This is an amazing gift and it’s what keeps us together.

For any couple that’s having troubles connecting sexually, I have this advice: get naked, get in bed together, and talk. It’s okay to touch and snuggle. Look into each other’s eyes. It works for me every time. Being naked is vulnerable, and skin to skin contact makes me feel closer as oxytocin is released through this basic intimacy. As our bodies, minds, and emotions sync up internally and with each other, we naturally flow into lovemaking.

We made love in a tiny little loft, warming our bodies after sitting on the cold beach. We kissed slowly, then more urgently, opening to each other. Hands explored flesh, squeezing and caressing. I lay on top of him, feeling him harden against me. We took turns going down on each other, then switched to 69 because we had to have everything all at once. I wanted to take him with my strap-on, but we got caught up in the moment. I had to feel him inside me, just for a minute…

Sex still isn’t easy for me right now. I normally orgasm in about a minute and am capable of multiple orgasms, but we have to really work for me to cum right now. It feels great to be riding that edge for so long, but sometimes I just want to get there already! The fact that the batteries were failing on my vibrator didn’t help. I worried that Harold would get bored or tired, but he was perfectly willing to do whatever for as long as I was enjoying it.

Fields of springThe next morning, I took a shower while Harold worked on his laptop. I ended up masturbating, wanting to see how my body responded to my own touch. It took a lot of fantasizing, but I was eventually able to get myself off. Immediately, I started wishing that Harold was there (never mind that we were in a tiny cabin and he could hear everything), and feeling resentful that he didn’t care to be sexual with me (never mind that I had told him to go ahead and work and I hadn’t invited him to shower).  I had to laugh at myself for being so passive-agressive, then went and seduced him into fucking me right there in the kitchen. He didn’t mind at all.

I’m glad that we had time for me to examine the recent changes in my sexuality. We had awesome sex, but I am most grateful to spend time together doing relaxed things – talking, shopping, walking on the beach, drinking lambic out of the bottle like teenagers, looking at flowers, watching a movie, napping, and sharing meals. It’s the first time we’ve gone away and I brought my crocheting rather than, say, a trample table.

I don’t feel kinky. I don’t feel like much of a Top. I don’t feel particularly sexy. In fact, I feel sick a lot of the time. I am not up for wild rodeo sex, but that doesn’t mean that I am not sexual. I still want to kiss, to be close, to share dreams. If I think about it, I still want to orgasm. I want to connect with my partners. Everything is an effort right now, but sex is worth the effort.

Flip offIf I never feel that hot lust again, it will be like losing a limb. For now, I am content redefining my sexuality to make wherever I am the perfect place to be. It’s a relief to know that I don’t have to be crazy kinky to be loved. I happen to like pushing my sexual limits most of the time, but that isn’t the whole of my identity. I can define sex any way I like.

Feb 222014
 

Bad habitsI need a cup of coffee almost as bad as I need you.
Bitter and dark or sweet as honey,
I miss the taste of you on my lips.
I want the rush of you in my body,
But with you gone, I have to settle for another cup,
And you’re not here to know.

If I stayed up all night, would you know?
I roam around the house thinking of you,
Fingers dancing round the edges of my cup
Remembering orgasms golden like honey,
And the comforting weight of your body.
Up late and alone, I touch my empty lips.

I pour whisky and bring it to my lips.
You don’t like it when I drink, I know,
But I need you like this burning in my body.
I’m all afire, desiring you.
You go down smoother than whisky, Honey,
And I’d rather have you in my cup.

Restlessly, I put down my cup,
Words to that song you hate on my lips.
Well I’m playing it loud now, Honey!
I can dance better than you know.
I would grind like this for you,
Bouncing, gyrating, and sweating on your body.

Why aren’t you here to satisfy my body?!
I hate being discarded like an empty paper cup.
I gave so much of my life to you.
My fingers find the pearl between my lips,
There are some things I still know.
One, is where to find honey.

And ohmygod the honey!
Pleasure ripples in waves through my body
Revealing mysteries I’m momentarily allowed to know
I pour coffee and whisky into the same cup
And bring a fucking cigarette to my lips
For a moment, I don’t even think of you

Then I realize – Honey, this is my cup,
My music, my pleasure, my body, my lips.
Perhaps my biggest bad habit was knowing you.

Nov 052013
 

JoelI feel like Joel and I are getting our groove back. We are rediscovering our sexual connection. It’s not like we ever stopped having sex, but many years back it went from a passionate flood to an affectionate stream. We’ve found other ways of staying intimate and expressing our love – lots of hugging and caresses, talking about everything, weekly dates, sharing experiences, and taking care of each other. We know that skin-to-skin contact releases oxytocin (the “love hormone”) even without sex. Last night something happened that made me believe that we can have the passionate flood back.

Joel has some medical problems that have affected his libido and sexual performance. Recently, he’s taken charge of his health with overwhelmingly positive results, including a new sex drive like WHOA! All of a sudden he’s beating off every night with a cock that’s way bigger than it’s been for a decade. Sex feels good again. I’m so happy for him because I know it’s hard to be missing that part of yourself, but I’ve also had a difficult time adjusting.

My own sexuality has undergone a lot of changes since we were first together. It would not feel comfortable for me to try to pick up where we left off. The intensity of Joel’s desire right now tends to feel pressuring rather than flattering. We have been attempting to figure out how we want to be sexually together. I’ve gotten used to our relationship functioning the way it has for the last 10 years, but I want to have every part of Joel.

Last night, during our date, Joel had a brilliant suggestion. He recently read an article in Vice about the Orgasmic Meditation (OM) movement and One Taste. The idea is that two people spend 15 minutes focused on the clitoris. The One Taste website says, “It’s a meditation, equally powerful for both partners – only the object of focus is the clitoris.” They have some rules about what you are supposed to do, but Joel and I did what felt right to us.

It took me some time to relax into 15 minutes of pure clitoral stimulation. I wanted my vibrator so I could just come. I wanted to touch Joel’s cock which responded to his finger on my clit pretty much immediately. I really wanted to get fucked already. When I let go of all of that, I realized that I have never given Joel a guided tour of my clitoris before. He didn’t know that the very tip is super sensitive and likes a light tickle-like touch (maybe even a fingernail). When that got to be too much I showed him the bundle of nerves at the top of the hood that wants firm back-and-forth pressure. For 15 minutes we both connected with my body and that made me feel very open and loving with Joel.

I was right on the edge of orgasm for the whole time, without ever coming. I looked at him kneeling beside me with an expression between a blissful smile and a superior sneer on his face. It was obvious that he was experiencing OM as a Top, which made me laugh. Some things don’t change. I didn’t feel like I needed to bottom, but I appreciated that he was getting those needs met within the context of OM. At first 15 minutes seemed like an eternity, but as I got into meditative space, it was not nearly long enough.

All about the clitorisI was sort of disappointed when the timer went off. Then I realized that we were in a perfect position to play around. Joel’s cock is super sensitive, which is great for experiencing sensations, but I have to be careful not to let him come before I’m ready. We focused on my orgasm first – another teaching moment. Oral sex pushed each of us to the edge before we gave in to desire with some amazing doggy-style fucking. We finished with one more orgasm for me, assisted by some incredible nipple stimulation from Joel.

We are back in the groove! Our sex wasn’t particularly kinky, yet it pushed us in ways I couldn’t have predicted. Amazingly, this simple Orgasmic Meditation technique opened a door for us that I couldn’t even find. This gives us a tool to use if we need help finding our connection. I’m relieved and hopeful, finally seeing that the sexual relationship I’ve wanted is possible. It seems so obvious now that I don’t know why I never guessed: the way into my soul is through the clitoris.

 

Sep 192013
 

Harold & EvoëHis alarm went off.

I rolled over and snuggled into his armpit, breathing in his comforting just right scent. The air in the room was brisk in that early autumn way, making the warmth of his skin and the soft flannel sheets the coziest place in the world. I started to feel turned on. Our hands grazed each other’s bodies. Slowly and sleepily we kissed. The energy between us would build then softly pass into sleep. We did this several times before he rolled over, pressed himself as close to me as humanly possible, and we dozed with my arms wrapped around him.

My alarm went off.

He levered himself onto hands and knees then turned to bury his face in my cunt. His cock and balls hung a handspan from my face. While he inspired me with his tongue, I massaged his scrotum and felt him stiffen under my ministrations. Desire bloomed between us – wet and open, hard and ready.

He sat up and looked at me. We needed to decide whether to keep going or get out of bed. I was groggy and turned on, ready for lazy love making, but we needed to get the children ready for school. Surely 5 more minutes wouldn’t matter? “Just fuck me,” I whispered.

I expected that he would be on me in a flash, but instead he said, “No. Save this energy for tonight.”

No? I took his cock into my mouth, enjoying the feel of his shaft sliding in and out. I imagined him filling another hole. His cock slipped from my mouth and I half sat up to kiss him. Maybe he would fuck me now? No, now we really do have to get the children up.

That excited feeling of sexual need carried me through getting 4 children to 4 different schools. The fire of early morning passion turned to warm expectation of things to come. I could feel desire connecting us as we went on with our day. I also felt a bit of an edge, perhaps a touch short with people, a little frustration coloring my interactions. I am not good at waiting. I am an instant gratification girl. Why chose between sex now or later when you could have both?

Hours later, after dropping all the children off, I found myself thinking of him. My fantasies started simple, but quickly got kinkier. I wandered the house, unable to focus on any of the things I needed to do. I settled into bed with my laptop. He called me, fanning the flames of my desire. I complained about the state I was in and he told me to take a shower, implying that I should take some time and get myself off.

Good idea. In the shower I let the hot water caress my skin. Twice I left the shower because I decided I needed additional equipment. It was a very elaborate masturbation session. I fought the urge to rush to orgasm, drawing out the sensations. When I did come, I coaxed every last spasm out of my body. The water started to get cold.

Harold & EvoëAfter, I felt kind of empty. The orgasm didn’t fill my need for connection. I still wanted him just as bad. I still do. As much as possible I have focused on my normal daily tasks. I’ve tried to stay focused and grounded, but…

I’m waiting for our time. I’m anticipating that moment when the kids go to sleep, the dishes are done, the chickens are tucked in, and he and I find ourselves in each other’s arms. I want to feel him with all my skin, rolling around in cozy flannel, not sure if we are laughing or kissing. This delight we share in each other is what keeps me going. I’m going crazy waiting for bed time.

Jun 262013
 

Evoe and Joel getting intimateI’ve finally figured out what is more intimate and intense than making love with one of my partners – making love with both of my partners at once over a long period of time! Today I am sore in places I previously was not aware of having muscles. Today I tingle and twinge and shiver in remembrance of our time together, but I feel satisfied. I have amazing men in my life, lovers who know every inch of me, inside and out. I feel accepted, loved, and set free to soar.

When we set out, I wasn’t sure it was going to work. It was our first time with three of us going away together. 24 hours in a cabin could be heaven or it might be a trap if things blow up. With our busy lives, kids, and everything, it wasn’t easy to find the time to run away together. We’ve had occasional dates, an afternoon, but not enough time to really relax and talk. This was our chance to sync up.

We work well together. From grocery shopping together, to unloading the car and getting settled, we operated as a team. There was a little bit of awkwardness – like that moment when everything was done and we sat there looking at each other, wondering what to do next. Luckily we were in a beautiful place, in a cabin next to the river, with a hot tub and a king-sized bed. It didn’t take us long to get naked. And start taking photos.

Joel and Harold snugglingWe quickly discovered how nice it is to have three people, because when two people are engaged in some kind of activity, the third person can take pictures. I also really appreciated Joel taking photos because he’s so much of an artist and I rarely get the chance to have him involved. At first I played model self consciously, unsure of our surroundings, but as the evening progressed our sex play got kinkier and I started to ignore the camera.

We did talk a lot, working through things that have been bothering us, but each emotional revelation brought us closer to each other, often inspiring a round of sexual activity. Harold especially is prone to spasms of, “I love you soooo much!” followed by oral sex. It’s a very pleasurable way to work through things that might otherwise be too painful. I felt inspired and supported by their love, making it easier to release the stress and pain that builds up over time. Sandwiched between my Loves, I could cry and they could kiss everything better.

Joel surprised me by being vulnerable in sexual way, which I can’t remember seeing in the 13 years we’ve been together. Maybe in the first couple of years. but not for a long time. Shyly at first, then more clearly so I couldn’t mistake it, he asked me to explore anal with him. Each step of the way he made his consent clear, but he was opening up to me, letting me take him. I cherish his trust in me. It was a beautiful, deeply erotic pleasure to explore him at his request.

PeggingAfter that we spent time outside, under the clear night sky, beside the fierce river, the heat of the fire warming our flesh. When the cold got to our toes, we climbed into the hot tub, where I watched the guys make out and gazed at the stars. I felt soothed and at peace for the first time in about a month. Seeing Joel and Harold be physically intimate lifted some weight I didn’t know I was carrying. The don’t exactly turn each other on, but they do love each other a lot. It matters.

When we went inside, it was Harold’s turn to feel sad and vulnerable. I took him in hand, trying to find the right combination of loving touch and firm punishment. I spread him across my lap and delivered a good spanking, pausing from time to time to give his balls attention. I really get off on spanking and it helped to bring Harold back into alignment with me. We both reached a point where we couldn’t take it any more and had to fuck. We changed positions all over the bed, with Joel giving an assist here and there, before finally settling into an exhausted sleep all together.

Evoe going down on Harold while Joel takes picturesIn the morning we gathered in the sunroom to drink coffee, eat breakfast, and discuss world events. There’s a lot of comfort to be had in easy camaraderie, sharing a simple meal, having the luxury to meet each other’s eyes and just know that we’re thinking the same thing. I woke up with a new sense of optimism.

We spent more time in the hot tub, sharing business plans. I went in to shower and masturbate. Joel took pictures, his lust building. When he couldn’t stand it, we all three went upstairs and fucked in a flurry of limbs, tongues, and vibrators. My nipples never lacked attention. I was amazed to realize that both of my men seem to be turned on by watching me have sex with someone else. Both are willing to go down on me after the other has come inside me, when I am messy. I love them both so much.

Everything is kind of a blur now – a kaleidoscope of pleasure, sex, and love. I can’t explain what happened. Yes, it was all about sex, but the sex was just the language we used to connect to each other. It was a kind of magic. I think we must each glow with goodness. We make a pretty awesome threesome.

May 222013
 

Best Sex Writing 2013Book: “Best Sex Writing 2013
Edited by: Rachel Kramer Bussel
Foreword by: Dr. Carol Queen
Published by: Cleis Press
More information: Amazon or Goodreads

 

Cleis Press and Rachel Kramer Bussel always deliver quality writing on the topic of sex, and this year’s Best Sex Writing is no exception. This collection of 20 essays span a broad range of topics, writing styles, and voices that are all provocative. While a few stirred me sexually, largely this book challenged me to think more.

The point of Best Sex Writing is to bring together all of the most fascinating essays published in the past year. Since I read a lot about sex, some of these pieces were a reread for me, but most of them were fresh. I was surprised to see a brief reference to Harold in an essay about polyamory. Weird!

I enjoyed reading through this book, but I have to say the overall tenor was discouraging. Best Sex Life’s tagline is, “The state of today’s sexual culture.” I suppose that’s true, but I found the collection to be strangely flat and depressing, almost as though a fog obscured nearly every piece. You can’t write interesting things about sexuality without engaging the emotions, and I’m afraid that very few of these grabbed me. Several made me feel very negative about sexuality. I’m afraid that our culture is still far from pleasure positive.

Still, I had to share my favorites with Harold and we’ve engaged in a little He said/She said for you enjoyment…

Very Legal: Sex and Love in Retirement, by Alex Morris: A report on love and sex in an assisted living facility.

He said: I am getting old myself… wait, can that be? Yes, I’m coming up on 65. What strikes me about aging so far is how little the core of my sex life has changed in 50 years. Well, it’s true I can’t get a good hard-on any more without Viagra, and I don’t jerk off four or five times a week like I used to, but the overwhelming joy of reaching ecstasy and sharing intimacy is still there, just the way it always has been, at the center of my life.  Alex Morris writes about people in their 80’s and 90’s, people coming up on death who are living with the inevitable failing of their bodies, who seem to be finding the same thing… sex may get more difficult physically, but still has that vibrant emotional kick to it. The story makes me happy.

She said: How delightfully refreshing to be talking about ninety-year-olds’ relationships! These are all things that I’m not thinking about yet, so I really enjoy seeing that romantic interests and libido doesn’t die as one ages. In a way, the people discussed in this essay have more freedom to be honest with themselves and each other about what they want. I’ll totally be sneaking into Harold’s bed 30 years from now.

Baby Talk, by Rachel Kramer Bussel: A personal memoir about the author’s first experience with age play and being a “Mommy.”

He said: What happens when your lover asks you to treat him/her as a child in bed?  I’m a father, I adore my children, and I’ve always felt very protective of their personal boundaries. I’ve known too many people whose fathers let sexual desire leak onto their children explicitly or subliminally, causing lasting damage. I would never want to impose adult sexuality on any child. But then… my lover asks me to make love to her as if she’s 13 years old. Oh no, I couldn’t. But she shows me that it’s healing because of her past, it’s a kind of acceptance that would be precious to her. I understand, but… does this make me a pedophile? How real is it? Are there boundaries within our imagination? It’s not an easy place, truly. I’ve gone there though, and it was possible, and healing, and good. That’s what Bussel is writing about too.

She said: Having myself been confronted with a lover’s odd kinks spontaneously in the middle of sex play, I really commend Rachel for going with it and immediately seeing the potential. Age play can be such a minefield. My heart just opened up reading this account and her willingness to push her own boundaries. This is a very sweet essay, and a bit wistful over the outcome.

Ghosts: All My Men Are Dead, by Carol Queen: A love note to the men the author is mourning, as well as a coming of age story.

He said: While sudden death can tear a hole in the fabric of reality, lingering death eats away your heart. Carol Queen writes simply and beautifully about her friends and lovers who have fallen over the years to the plague of AIDS and related syndromes. It’s so hard to know what to do with death in our culture. As she says, “I think we are ashamed to die.” By celebrating their memory and honoring her own grief, Queen makes it easier to face the losses we have to deal with and the end we all come to.

She said: This is hands down, the best essay in this book. I read it with tears silently streaming down my face. Carol is so honest, so authentic. Talking about death could easily become manipulative or maudlin, but she doesn’t go there. It’s so easy to see myself in her writing. I was incredibly moved by her account of self discovery and personal evolution entwined with dying lovers and the character of the city she loves. Hauntingly beautiful.

Lost Boys, by Kristen Hinman: An exposé on the inflated numbers of underaged girls being sex trafficked, the numbers more likely to be real because they’re based on science, and how many boys in sex work fail to get aid at all.

He said: Sex work is like recreational drugs: criminalization and demonization blur all distinctions in a fog of myth, and create the very horrors people say they want to prevent. Hinman reports on the best studies of underage prostitution in the U.S., and makes clear that nearly half the young sex workers are boys, and only around 10% work through pimps. The kids don’t particularly like doing sex for money, but they like the money. What is clear is that their main exploitation is economic: no one will offer them any other work. And the worst of this is that horrendous trafficking by adults, often parents, in very young children is put in the same bucket as teenagers choosing to make money the only way they can find, by selling sexual services. The former is a devastating crime of violence, while the latter is a symptom of our society’s economic failure.

She said: I’ve been hearing some outrageous “statistics” lately about the 3 million underage girls being pimped out and it makes me angry. Don’t get me wrong, I know that sex trafficking happens and I want it stop, but this essay made it clear that many of the organizations set up to help rescue trafficked girls exist mostly to make money for themselves. It’s a lot of politics. They aren’t even trying to understand their demographic. I really appreciated this article because it was understated and let me come to my anger on my own.

 

As always, Best Sex Writing is a must read, if only to get a snapshot of the year in sexuality. This year, I came away with two main points, one personal and one a universal truth. Personally, I discovered that I really dislike the term “open marriage” to describe polyamory. It’s kinda like asking a pair of lesbians which one gets to be the man. It is using the rules of the cultural norm to define something totally outside of the rules. But, whatever. The most important thing I learned was that sexuality changes all the time throughout life. I find that very reassuring.

May 112013
 

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” -Oscar Wilde

Self loveWith Mother’s Day coming up, my family has been asking what they can do to celebrate me. Honestly, I feel honored, loved, and cared for pretty much every day. I know that I hold a special place in my family. I’m not one to turn down breakfast in bed or some hand drawn cards, but what I really need is some quality time by myself.

My children are my top priority. After that, I take time each week to have a date with each of my partners. Everyone works together to take care of the house and I have my own work. I do have some time for myself built into the system, but it often gets filled up with doctor’s appointments, shopping, cleaning, or meetings. Sadly, when I get time to myself in the evening, I usually fall asleep.

I do masturbate regularly. It means a lot to me to be able to give pleasure to myself at any time. I’ve realized though, that I am not giving myself the kind of attention that I would give to a partner. Quick and easy orgasms in the shower or at bedtime have immense value, but what if I were to actually make love to myself with deliberate intention?

So, for all of the moms out there – actually, EVERYONE – I offer a suggestion: schedule a date with yourself. Nourishing your own sacred sexuality is a gift that stays with you forever and not only benefits you, but everyone you love.

Here are some tips to get you started:

  1. Find time and space to be alone. It’s important to give yourself several hours. If you can’t manage to be alone at home, or if being at home is too distracting, consider other creative solutions – renting a hot tub room, finding a totally private spot in nature, getting a hotel room for the night, or borrowing a friend’s home. Make sure that your children are in capable hands and that someone else will be responsible for anything that comes up.
  2. Set the stage. Creating a special mood can enhance your experience. Putting clean sheets on the bed or lighting some candles sets this experience aside as something special. Play music that feels sexy to you. Get anything you might need (like drinking water, vibrator, or massage oil) readily available. Go naked, or wear something that feels sexy.
  3. Relax. If you are anything like me, this might take a while. Turn off your phone. Step away from the computer. Do something that will help you let go of the daily stresses, whether that’s taking a walk, having a glass of wine, or sinking into a bubble bath. Focus on deep, even breaths, releasing tension with each exhale. Think about the things that make you happy.
  4. Fantasize. Start letting out those private thoughts that get you turned on. Is there a movie star who makes you swoon? Some sex act too kinky to admit to your partner, but it gets your juices going? Bring it out! For this date with yourself, anything is possible.
  5. Experience sensation. Wake up your skin. Start at your toes and work your way up, barely brushing over your erogenous zones. I like to keep my underwear on for this stage because the indirect stimulation to my genitals drives me wild. Use fingernails, feathers, massage oil, a wartenberg wheel, or whatever feel good and exciting to you. Pay attention to your whole body.
  6. Build the energy. Slowly pay more attention to the areas that increase your arousal, like nipples, pubic area, and asshole – circling away and returning over and over. Listen to your body and your emotions. You want to prolong your pleasure as long as you can stand it.
  7. Go for orgasm. This is a perfect time to introduce lube, a vibrator, a dildo, or whatever gets you off. You still want to draw out your pleasure, but now you can give yourself permission to focus on those areas that will lead to orgasm. Hold love for yourself in your heart and let it infuse your whole being. If you can stand the tension, bring yourself right to the edge of orgasm and back away again. When everything feels right, let the orgasm spill over.
  8. Release. Just let go. You can send any residual stress out of your body on each wave of pleasure. If it feels good, try to prolong your orgasm or pause for a moment and start over at building to a new release.
  9. Take care of yourself. You can give yourself aftercare. Give yourself plenty of time to bask in the good feelings. Let love for yourself seep into your skin. This is when I feel closest to the divine. You could go back to gentle sensations or drift into a few minutes of lucid dreaming. Drink water or eat a snack if you need to feel more grounded. Or jump up and run around naked. Whatever it is that makes you feel in love with yourself, do it now.

I don’t always orgasm when I make love to myself and that’s okay. When I’m by myself, I don’t have the stress of a partner who really wants to make me come. My only objectives are to love myself and experience pleasure. It’s a perfect time to explore the things that turn me on and develop a stronger understanding of my body.

As a mom, it’s sometimes hard to feel like I own myself, my time, my body. I don’t often get a chance to make love to myself, but when I do, I feel better all over. I challenge you all, but especially the moms on this Mother’s Day, to give yourself this gift!

Apr 042013
 

Clone-A-WillyThe applications of Clone-A-Willy are endless – what couldn’t you do with an exact replica of your (or your guy’s) penis, a vibrating portable model? I asked Clone-A-Willy to send me a kit to review because I was entranced with the possibilities. I could masturbate with his cock when we were apart. He could literally fuck himself(!?!) Problem was, I had two guys and one kit, but after some checking around, we determined that everyone would be okay if I fucked Harold with Joel’s cock. We would clone Joel’s willy. I love my crazy life.

Clone-A-Willy sent me a DVD along with the kit that demonstrated how the process works. It is unintentionally funny. I believe that the stars of this little video are porn stars. While I did get a good idea of what to do, the absurdity of the situation had me laughing. I would absolutely recommend reading the written instructions thoroughly before you start.

Supplies for Clone-A-WillyJoel and I sent to work while we had the house to ourselves. This is not a process that you want to interrupt in the middle. Cloning your willy is pretty simple, but there are several steps: mix up the molding powder, insert penis into molding tube, pour rubber into the prepared mold, insert vibrating unit, wait 24 hours and remove new vibrator.

The tricky parts are getting the water just the right temperature to mix with the molding powder and the fact that you have a very short amount of time to mix it up and get your dick into it. And cloning a willy is also very messy. I don’t think we were prepared for how much of the molding material would be displaced. We did trim his pubic hair, but shaving might have been better. I was also glad that we were in the kitchen over the tile floor, because it cleaned up pretty easily.

Clone-A-Willy in ProcessThis is a partners sport. I think you could do this by yourself, but having someone there helping you to maintain an erection is easier and more fun. We certainly enjoyed the process, but it wasn’t inherently sexy. A cock ring helps some, however our resulting dong sadly did not capture Joel in his full glory.

This instant gratification grrrl had a hard time waiting a whole day for the rubber to set. I was excited to pull away the molding material and reveal the hot pink cock model. It’s eerie how much detail is transferred. There is a slight imperfection where the vibrator shows through. I think it’s where Joel was somewhat diagonal in the molding tube.

I was so excited about Clove-A-Willy that it wasn’t until we were partway through the process that the fact we were dealing with rubber penetrated my brain. I’m allergic to rubber. I welt up massively when rubber touches my skin, a fact I learned after applying liquid latex to my breasts. Even underwear with exposed elastic raises large welts. I can’t use this vibrator.

Clone-A-Willy rubber in the moldActually, I’m not sure that anyone should use a willy clone without a condom. Rubber toys should not be shared without a condom and they are quite porous so they should be washed carefully and gently after each use. Mild antibacterial soap and water is appropriate.

Since I love the concept of Clone-A-Willy and enjoyed the molding process, I brainstormed a few ideas. First of all, Clone-A-Willy makes kits for soap, candles, and milk chocolate. Pretty romantic, right? But then we came up with a few other ideas…

What if you inserted sticks instead of vibrators? Then you would have a penis on a stick and you could have “cock fights” with your friends. Clone-A-Willy comes in a variety of colors. I’m envisioning color coordinated cocks and helmets, with full out, SCA style battles. It would be AWESOME!

Clone-A-Willy flawMy favorite idea is to take impressions of all of your conquests and mount them on plaques like hunting trophies. There’s even Clone-A-Pussy. Imagine sitting in your den in a smoking jacket explaining your sexual successes to some young thing, “Sure, he doesn’t look like much, but let me tell you…” and “Yes, I bagged that one on holiday in Spain…” and “Oh, that Romeo, hung like a stallion, but he snored like a bull…” I can totally see it. It makes me happy.

 

Bottom line: Everyone should try Clone-A-Willy at least once. Think out side the box.

Grade: B

Mar 142013
 

Fun Factory Stronic ZweiStronic Zwei is a jackhammer of pleasure. Seriously. I’ve just taken to calling it The Jackhammer, as in, “Honey, grab The Jackhammer and let’s have some fun!” In fact, it’s made by Fun Factory (one of my favorite sex toy companies) and they sent us one to try out ahead of their official release in July. We are extremely impressed. This is a high-end, well designed, very effective sex toy.

Zwei is so innovative and different that I don’t know how to describe it. The Stronic line uses new technology to create thrust. Stronic Zwei literally rocks back and forth in your hand. It creates amazing sensations on the prostate and g-spot, although not at the same time. It uses more of a natural fucking motion than a buzz. This is not a vibrator it’s a pulsator, and it’s here to rock your world.

I’m pleased with Zwei’s construction. It’s very solid and can definitely stand up to the repeated thrusting. Counter pressure did not seem to slow the toy down. The one I received is blue, but I suspect that it will also be available in black. Soft medical grade silicone covers the insertable part, with the handle being firmer.

There are three control buttons on the handle, one for power (press FUN) and two to navigate the 10 different pulse cycles (press + or  -). While the buttons are located in a place where you can easily operate them yourself, it can sometimes be difficult to find the right button during use. All of the rhythm pattern options are useful and pleasurable at different times. We had a hard time finding exactly the one we wanted at any given time, but I assume that gets easier with practice. Our favorite is the slowest of the thrusting patterns. An added feature is the ability to key lock the Zwei so it doesn’t go off at an inopportune moment, like during a TSA search.

Fun Factory Stronic Zwei controls and magnetic chargerAlso on the handle are two little magnetic buttons – this is where the charging cord docks. It’s totally easy to use, but be prepared to have to charge your new device overnight (they say not more than 16 hours), as ours needed to be fully charged. That’s always disappointing for me when I want to try something out right away! It has held the charge well so far. We’ve, ahem, tested this product extensively without having to recharge it yet.

And guess what?!? Zwei is fully immersible!  Although I am a little nervous to risk losing such a fantastic toy, I can’t wait to use it in the bath or shower. It just can’t go in the dishwasher. Cleaning has not been a problem though. I simply wash Zwei with soap and water. It would be possible to use it with a condom, use spray on toy cleaner, or cleansing wipes.

One of the brilliant things about the way Stronic Zwei is constructed is the lip at the bottom of the insertable part. It looks kind of like the hilt of a knife, or the protective bit under a torch. Not only does this lip keep Zwei from getting lost in your bottom, it also works to contain any potential mess. Yes, you are probably going to need a fair amount of water-based lube to get this toy into your ass.

Stronic Zwei is fairly girthy. Harold and I enjoy prostate play, but this was bigger than anything we’ve put in his bum so far. We worked up to it without any difficulty, though, once the toy was turned on. The thrusting motion made it slip in easily. In each of us it seemed to be just big enough to have a sexy feeling of fullness without ever becoming uncomfortable. Zwei also has that bend at the tip to deliver pressure to just the right spot. It feels good in my hand. Harold says it’s way the best prostate toy he’s ever experienced (and he’s done some experimenting). As he put it, “Whoever designed this toy really knew what they were doing!”

This toy is perfectly usable by yourself, but I recommend it for partner play. I think it’s easier to operate if you are not in the throes of pleasure, but really, don’t you want to share the intensity of this pleasure with someone you love? I got a huge rush knowing that I was part of the experience when Harold just lay there with his mouth open, moaning. I got to help by playing with his balls and cock. I like to ramp things up. I enjoy watching him writhe.

Fun Factory Stronic Zwei in useFun Factory is marketing Zwei as an anal toy, but generally anything that works on the prostate also is effective at g-spot stimulation. After watching Harold bliss out with the Zwei in his bum a couple of times, I had to try it on myself! I wasn’t disappointed. It feels fantastic. It doesn’t give me the same sensations as Harold’s fingers, but it’s good in a different way. I did use a vibrator on my clit and the combination was perfect. I especially liked coming with the Zwei in, my orgasm contracting against the continuing pulses and bringing me to orgasm again. Awesome!

I don’t know how much Fun Factory is going to retail Stronic Zwei for, but I think we would find a way to buy one, knowing how good it is.

Bottom line: Yes, yes, please yes!

Grade: A