polyamory

Apr 182016
 

Fire of transformation

 

When we got together Joel and I agreed that marriage ruined good relationships. We had each recently escaped bad marriages. I remember a particular road trip, drinking coffee and talking intensely, where we swore never to marry each other.

We’ve always done things our way and damn the consequences. We clove to each other when we were ordered to stay away because we were causing an “international scandal”. We gave birth to two beautiful boys, united in our passion for natural birth and breastfeeding. We shared dreams of possible futures. We agreed on a polyamorous lifestyle because how could you possibly go through life loving only one person? We eventually got married – our way, without regrets.

We are getting divorced now. Did you know that sometimes love, respect, and good communication is not enough to keep a marriage together? For the past few years we have worked to align our paths. Despite our best efforts, we can no longer justify staying together. We choose growth and happiness as individuals over marriage. We never promised each other forever, but after 16 years we’ve built up habits. We don’t even really have hard feelings. Our paths go in different directions.

Let me be clear though: we are not breaking up. Being poly means that we can let our relationships be what they truly are rather than what we think they should be. We are getting legally divorced because it’s important to me as part of being an individual. I don’t want to be a wife. We are currently not living together because we need some time to heal, but I don’t know what the future holds. Our lives are still very much entwined. He is my friend. Our relationship continues to evolve. We are becoming something else because we have the power and the bravery to stay open to each other through the pain.

I think we could both use a little extra love and support from those close to us. We are doing this our way so we don’t need people to give advice, cast blame, or talk shit. We’ve got this, but there isn’t an acceptable protocol for offering social support around the inevitable grief at the passing of a primary bond. Maybe just let us know that you are thinking of us. Have faith that we are looking out for each other and the family we created.

Even knowing I am making the right choices and we are working together to ease the transition, it hurts like fuck. I am tearing up my roots. I am moving forward with my life. I honor our past and the person Joel has become. I love him and I always will.

Feb 222015
 

Reflected in the windowHappiness is being in the middle of a naked snuggle pile. I could see us reflected in the glass ceiling of the solarium: Harold and Woody both curled around me, our legs entwined, hands still roaming each other’s bodies. We made a beautiful tableau. After more orgasms than I can remember, I was feeling diffuse and abundant love. They were taking advantage of the lull in the action to geek out together over cool higher math.

My body was saturated with sensation. I was hyper aware of every touch, the unique scent of their skin, the warmth of our bodies together, the blues songs that filled the room and became part of the fabric of our existence, the taste of ginger beer spicy on my tongue and in their kisses, and the sunlight blessing us all. I could close my eyes and feel myself sustained by their strength, nourished by their love, safe in their arms. Not only do these men bring me great pleasure, they also make me relax and live in the moment.

Those moments were pretty incredible. I adored having all the extra stimulation. Being able to make out while someone goes down on me or having a cock in each hand is satisfying. It’s surprisingly challenging to give two hand jobs at once, especially since they each prefer a different style and rhythm. They had the audacity to suggest that I was doing it wrong, but I think it was just an excuse to spend time going down on each other.

It was hot to watch them, two mostly straight guys who have come into their own sexual power in their 60’s. They were passionate with each other. They performed fellatio with a hunger, like they’ve spent their whole lives thinking about what they would do if they ever got a chance. It obviously felt good. When receiving, they each groaned with head thrown back and body arched. I felt a momentary twinge of jealousy to be excluded from this ardent display, but watching them was so primal that I felt connected anyway.

The three of us are so full of love for each other. We respect each other and we feel comfortable being vulnerable. Each of us could ask for the things that we specifically enjoy and wanted. It was okay to laugh and cry and discuss Euler’s identity. I’ve been fucking geeks for most of my life and never realized how sexy logarithms could be, but it certainly worked for Harold and Woody.

Reflected in the windowIt’s amazing how many different ways in which three people can combine. It takes a little bit more work than two people, but we are creative. The advantage to making love with older men is that they take their time. We can have sex for hours and it focuses more on my pleasure. The disadvantage of older men is that I have yet to make them both hard enough at the same time for double penetration or other such hijinks, but I think we’ll get there eventually.

It was a lovely afternoon, from eating sushi with our fingers and catching up to a wild tangle of mouths and limbs – from sensual overload to furious fucking ­– from soaking in the hot tub to dinner and a movie with the family – from Euler to Richard Feynman to Gregory Chaitin. Threesomes have a certain caché, but the time we’ve spent together isn’t like that. We aren’t just there to fuck. We are friends. I have incredible sex with each of them separately. Together we create a function of complex variables that has an amazing integral.

Nov 222014
 

Sexually shyThis morning I had the disturbing realization that I tend to explore new sexual relationships from the safety of a threesome. It makes sense in a polyamorous world. I don’t have enough time to spend alone with each of my lovers so why not economize? Or something. I also get very nervous about being in sexual situations alone with someone I don’t know very well, so a threesome lets me get to know someone gradually. You can learn a lot about someone by watching them interact with others. So I’ve been setting up playdates with multiple partners.

Actually, making love with multiple partners at once is the best thing ever. It never seems like there are enough hands, mouths, genitals to do all of the things with just two people. How awesome is it to have hands everywhere? I love the feeling of being overwhelmed by sensation. Having more people in bed means being more creative. It often means communicating more, but I feel more confident, less on the spot to perform.

Tied up

Photo by Shawna

I just didn’t know that I had a habit of arranging threesomes for my first naked times with partners. It’s not something that I’ve been conscious of doing, but I can see the pattern. 

Although Woody and I had made out and done some heavy petting, the first time I was naked with him was with Harold. That worked beautifully. Wood still calls Harold his boyfriend and they are very affectionate with each other. (Come to think of it, that’s also beneficial in a poly relationship – my partners liking each other!)

DW tied me up in his living room while Shawna took photos, but after that DW and I played alone. Still, I made love to Shawna with DW in an intensly mind-blowing way. That was an incredible experience because I was able to do things that I enjoy and get tips from DW and Shawna about what the other person might like – kind of native guides.

My first time with Abby was also with Woody. They are very sweet together. I feel so much tenderness toward them both and watching them together just melted my heart. But Abby is wicked! I Controlwanted to try her Magic Wand because I have limited experience. Abby operated the add-on controller while I held the Magic Wand. That was absolutely incredible. I like having my pleasure in her hands. The three of us were remarkably at ease with each other, naturally exploring bodies and what is possible to do together.

While it wasn’t a playdate, Harold and I went to a hot spring with Woody and Hobbit. There was a certain amount of sex play that happened during our time there. Something about hot naked people turns me on. At one point, Hobbit put her fingers inside me, each guy focused on a nipple, and I used my vibrator to a super orgasm. I love floating in desire – literally and figuratively.

Hot springsMaybe I shouldn’t worry too much about this trend. It seems to be working for me. Each of these trysts came about fairly organically. I do have some (probably legitimate) fears about being physically vulnerable when first exploring sexual relationships. Having been raped, I want to be as safe as possible, but my reasoning is not totally about that. I just like group sex. I like having the people I care about love each other. While I don’t ever want threesomes (or more!) to take the place of the intimacy possible between two people, I have to admit that I feel pretty lucky.

Oct 262014
 

Boots and cuffsThere are some really great things about being polyamorous. One of them was coming home around one in the morning (wearing only knee high boots and bondage cuffs) and having my partner, Joel, only cock an eyebrow and ask if I had a good time.

I had a fabulous time with DW! When I showed up at his door the kissing was passionate and intense. It lead to me, on my knees, appreciating the finer points of button-fly Levis. And then to DW buckling handcrafted black leather cuffs around my wrists. It made me very happy.

Cuffs and bootsWe went to a party full of poly folk. I realized how odd and awesome it is to not know who people are in relationships with. It’s different than most social situations where everyone is seen as part of a package. In fact, it felt strange for me to be at a party without one of my primary partners.

That didn’t stop me from ditching my clothes as soon as possible. I joined a cuddle pile. DW tied me up in beautiful ways and did things that made me come. I got the spanking I asked for, with people passing by the room. Have I mentioned that I like to kiss this man? When it was time to go, DW shook his head when I picked up my clothes, handing me his leather jacket instead. It felt deliciously deviant to go home that way!

So yes, Joel, I had a good time.
Sinful Sunday

Aug 252014
 

Love the tuxedoWhen I look in the mirror I am usually pretty happy with what I see. I like my body, my hair, my face – but sometimes I get frustrated when what I see doesn’t fit with how I feel inside. I like being female, but there are times when I feel very male. I struggle with how to present myself as a male. How do I express who I am as a man?

I recently fulfilled a long time fantasy to dress as the man I see myself as and it was really pretty much a perfect evening. I had so much fun! My friends got married and held a masquerade ball. (Congrats guys!) The invitations said, “dress to impress” and I immediately thought about wearing a tuxedo. I’ve always wanted to wear a tux. It seems the epitome of men’s fashion, suave and debonair. What could be sexier?

I fetishize tuxedos to such an extent that just picking up the tux gave me a high like participating in a BDSM scene for a couple of hours. I went to the Tuxedo Club in Kirkland and they were amazing. I had a lot of anxiety going in because I worried that it wouldn’t be right. I was there for over an hour while they explained each piece. I love the details – cufflinks, spats, pocket watches and such. They worked with me to make sure that I had exactly what I wanted in a tuxedo. I left feeling exhilarated.

DW and EvoeI wanted the perfect date for this wedding reception, so I invited DW. I got dressed at his house and he was full of useful information, like tips on how to better use a compression vest to bind my breasts. (“Pull together and you’ve got cleavage, pull up and out toward the armpits and you’ve got pecs.”) I am so grateful to DW for all of his graceful instruction and sense of humor. He also looks damn hot in a tux.

We had fun at the party. I saw people I hadn’t seen in years, and a few of them didn’t recognize me! I felt amazing: strong, sexy, grounded. DW and I got increasingly friskier, groping each other surreptitiously while everyone focused on the bride and groom cutting the cake. It felt good when his fingers brushed against my clit, but I kept wishing that I had decided to pack so he could feel my cock.

DW and Evoe kissingWe left while the night was still young. We stopped at a grocery store because DW insisted on getting me food I could eat, something that earns him a hundred gold stars in my book. Walking through the store in a tux made the experience real. I was not just going to a costume party, I was in public. It was awesome. I want to own a tux so I can put it on to run to the grocery store. (After 5:00 p.m. of course, as DW pointed out.)

Once we had taken off the tuxedos and I had eaten, we retired to the bedroom. DW has a perfect way about him. I feel comfortable and I trust him, which makes it possible (just barely) for me to submit to him. He brings me right up to the point where I would have to stop. I find myself sitting in uncomfortable places that I would not normally tolerate with anyone else. And then I feel amazing afterward. This man has incredible skill.

Pre masquerade He called me “boy” the entire time. I dropped to my knees in front of him. He urged me to take his cock deeper and deeper into my throat, slapping my face when I didn’t try hard enough. I gagged and tears ran down my face, but I eventually found my rhythm.

He wrapped his fingers in my hair and dragged me to the bed. He bent me over the edge and bit my back while I squirmed in protest. He was gone briefly then came back with what I think was a belt. He used it to encourage me to use proper responses to his attentions. It sounded like this: “SMACK. (breath, breath, moan…) Yes Daddy! SMACK. (sucked in breath, exhale) Yes Daddy!” Between the belt and his hand I started to get the hang of it.

Our play got gentler after that. I did more cock sucking. We snuggled. I orgasmed. He is a fabulous kisser. He wove incredible fantasies for me. He rolled me over and fucked me hard, like I had been wanting in a desperate kind of way. I also wanted him to come all over me, so he straddled my hips. We took turns with lube and his cock. He talked dirty to me (cuz I’m a dirty boy). I played with his nipples and really felt like a boy. I could feel my cock and I wanted him to sit on it. I wanted to fuck him with my cock while he spilled on my chest. It was toe-curling, back-arching, super-hot fucking.

Morning strollI had so much fun. I’m still on that high a couple of days later. It’s interesting to me that none of the (sometimes crippling) anxiety I feel in social situations plagued me at the reception. Perhaps it is the power of the tuxedo. Maybe I feel more confident as a boy. Could be that DW puts me at ease. Whatever it is, I’ll take it.

I’ve felt great all weekend. I put on the tux again to take some photos with Harold, this time with me on top. Those images turn me on so much. Like crazy horny. I’ve never had that experience with photos of myself before! I don’t even know what to make of it. Renting a tux has been more than a costume for a party, more than cross-dressing, and more than a fetish. It’s been a dream come true.

Aug 152014
 

Hotel sexMy head is still swirling with images from last weekend – memories of taking the train to Portland, experiencing my first leather event, and swanky hotel threesome sex all invade my mind. It was a good time. I felt like a teenager running away from home, full of excitement tinged with a trace of fear. I felt like I was getting away with something wicked and I relished every moment on my own. I made it all count.

Harold dropped me off at the train station, where Hobbit and her Princess Girlfriend found me. On the way down to Portland they explained the basics of leather culture and titles. They were both very gracious in answering all my questions. Although I’ve spent most of my life on the edges of the LGBT  and BDSM communities, I have never directly attended a leather event. (I love new experiences!) In Portland, we met up with Woody, DW, and Shawna.

Shawna's formal look

Photo courtesy of Leland Carina

My Sweet Girl, Shawna, was running for Ms. Oregon State Leather. I wanted to be there to see her in her element. And I was there, with the taste of whisky in my mouth, the smell and creak of leather around me, music blasting, and the trace of a lover’s fingers along the back of my neck. I felt alive in a way I rarely experience, but value more than anything. I got to see Shawna and the other competitors explain how they would serve the community. I watched the outrageous manifestations of their fantasies come to life onstage. I witnessed the contestants poise when answering pop questions. I learned a lot about leather culture observing their numerous outfit changes. Underneath everything was a sense of humor and unapologetic sexuality.

Everyone I encountered was warm, respectful, and self-contained. It’s the first time I have ever been in a bar or club and not had someone come on to me in a sticky or obnoxious way. People did talk to me. I had fascinating conversations with interesting people. But I never even came close to having to tell someone to fuck off. It’s nice to be fully and comfortably in my sexual self and not have to defend my boundaries because someone else thinks that all my shiny is for them. I think these leather folks are onto something.

Shawna's victory pose

Photo courtesy of Leland Carina

Mostly, I was happy to see Shawna win the title. My Sweet Girl is now Ms. Oregon State Leather 2014! I’m so proud of all that she’s accomplished and I know that she’s going to spend the next year doing great things for the leather community. I am endlessly amazed by her humility and grace, as well as the strength of her convictions and iron will. I love her.

I was proud of myself because after the contest was over, I did exactly what I wanted to do. I did not go to the after party. I did not go out to eat with friends. I went back to my lovely hotel and engaged in self-care. I ate food that I brought with me, that would not make me sick. I put ice on my broken toes. I read my book.

While I enjoyed alone time, I was excited when DW texted to say that he was in the lobby with Shawna. I took the elevator down to get them. In a surreal moment, we went back up with a couple that had just gotten married. They asked about Shawna’s Ms. Oregon State Leather sash!

When I think about you...It’s such a joy to sit and talk to friends. Even better when we snuggle up in bed together. I think DW delights in helping people actualize their desires because soon hands were roaming and Shawna started moaning. DW had her ask me for fisting (which I had mentioned being into earlier). We had her spread across the bed between us – DW’s cock in her throat and my whole hand inside her beautiful cunt. Fisting is such a deeply spiritual experience for me, although I normally have more of an opportunity to check in with the person I am inside. Her vaginal contractions were so strong, she would force my hand out over and over. It was the most amazing thing.

When Shawna felt she’d had enough, she switched to giving DW head from on top. I played with his nipples and sat on his face until I came. Shortly after, DW orgasmed.

It was four in the morning. I usually go to bed no later than 10:00, but some things are well worth staying up for. Shawna and DW left to return to their hotel room, but Shawna confessed that this was her first threesome. I feel honored that she chose to spend the evening with me. I hope I did right by her.

Satisfied and dreamyI tumbled into a contented, dreamy sleep, only to awaken at 8:00 a.m. That’s sleeping in for me! I stumbled around figuring out coffee and rejecting room service. Woody texted me from the Bolt Bus on his way back to Seattle. I got him to sext me while I used my vibrator to come over and over. I wonder what the person next to him thought.

My own trip home was good. I thought lots of deep thoughts. I felt both satiated and hungry for more. I really love the train. It’s so relaxing to stare out the window and think in peace. My fantasy life is rich, but occasionally, real life eclipses my imagination.

Jul 132014
 

BraggingMaybe it isn’t nice to brag, but I’m not a nice person and I’ve had an incredible week. Seriously, amazing! After complaining about not getting enough sex over the last bit, I am suddenly romantically and sexually saturated. I mean like, sex nine times in the past week! I haven’t been this active in years.

I love summer. All of my happy sexual energy flows like a fountain when the weather heats up. I’ve been investing energy in nurturing my existing relationships and going out into the world and cultivating new relationships. Now everything has blossomed in the summer sun.

I am so grateful for the amazing people in my life – the ones I’ve written about before and a couple of new ones I’m sure I will be writing about! (There are even a few people still on the hook for later.) In the mean time, let me break down my wild week for you…

  • That feeling when you admire someone from afar and then all of a sudden you find out that they are into you too? Yeah, I’ve been chatting all week with a gloriously gorgeous, sexy, smart woman.  Flirting and getting to know her makes me glow.
  • Now that I’ve made a commitment to do more photo shoots, I have many awesome people volunteering to be models. So excited!
  • So. Much. Kissing! Making out is the best thing ever.
  • I love having people cook for me and this week two different men cooked me incredible dinners. One was raw tacos, spicy and sensuously eaten. The other was oysters, salmon, shitakes, and peppers off the grill, served lakeside with raspberries in champagne. This totally gets me going!
  • MarksI learned about fire cupping, leaving many large dark circles on my front and back. (I’ve been told either I look like I was attacked by a hentai octopus or like an angel whose wings have been removed.)  Cupping was an excellent starting place for an erotic adventure.
  • Got the best spanking of my life from an experienced Daddy. I totally pushed the limits of what I thought I would be able to handle. My ass is black and blue. It made me want a fucking in the best way.
  • I spent one full moon evening naked with a group of people I care about while we tried to slap away mosquitos. I got to be their gender fluid hoser. No really, I sprayed them down with a garden hose! I also inherited a huge box of dongs. The jokes write themselves.
  • If you are open-minded about your definition of sex (and I am), I had sex an astonishing 9 times in 7 days: Four interesting and passionate partners, once by myself. Sometimes quick and dirty, once deep into the night in every position, three times in the shower until the water went cold. Four penis-in-vagina instances, more often making love with mouths and hands. Twice no one orgasmed (but it felt fantastic), three times only I came, and four times it was an all-skate. Every single time felt intimate and connective.

That’s right, I’m bragging about how great my sex life is. Actually, my whole life is awesome. Sometimes when I have a lot of sex I begin to feel out of balance, like I can’t sustain the pace and I might crash. It isn’t like that at all right now. I feel very grounded and balanced and good! I’m just needing to find more time in my schedule to write. I have so much to write about, but it’s happening faster than I have time to write.  I can’t wait to see what happens next!

Jun 212014
 

KissHarold and Melanie are having a date right now. It’s making me feel all warm and tingly thinking about them finding pleasure in each other. Their love for each other is a beautiful thing and makes the whole family happier. I adore Harold, so I want him to enjoy himself. I feel compersion – joy and expansiveness in my partner’s pleasure with others.

In fact, today I did my best to gift wrap Harold for Melanie’s enjoyment. From the time I woke up this morning, until he left for their date, I kept him turned on. We both knew he mustn’t orgasm, but everything else was fair game. We avoided penis-in-vagina penetration because neither of us has that much willpower. Other than that, I was ruthless. I know Harold’s body so well. I can keep him pretty close to the edge without going over.

We just flowed together from the moment I stretched myself awake and demanded that he scratch my back. We kissed, hard and wild, soft and sensuous, deep and demanding. I let him go down on me until I couldn’t stand it. I came for him with his fingers curled inside me. I taunted him with my body until he took his pants off. His balls suffered my brutal attentions. I squeezed, stroked, and slapped his hard cock.

Although I had no intention of actually letting him fuck me, I slipped into guy mode, turning the tables with every lame-ass wheedling plea I have ever heard: “Come on, I know a slut like you wants to,” and “You don’t want my balls to get blue, do you? You don’t want to hurt me,” and “Stop being such a tease.” It felt empowering to role-play with those ridiculous lines. We almost couldn’t resist!

Even though we were laughing and thoroughly enjoying ourselves, we both could feel when we needed to stop. There is a place where the energy shifts and frustration takes over, turning desire into something uncomfortable. We went to make breakfast, but we kept some low-level tension going – mostly caresses and kissing, innuendo and eye contact.

I picked it up again later, taking advantage of him helping me to bleach my hair by sliding a couple of lubed fingers into his asshole. I might have followed up with some lube on his penis. Poor boy. But I didn’t get into the shower with him. Again, we don’t have infinite willpower! I’m glad that I can orgasm as much as I want.

Delayed gratification can be so good. I don’t even care that he isn’t going to be fucking me! I imagine him like a wind up toy that I have spun up and sent in Melanie’s direction. I can’t wait to hear about how it goes!

Jun 192014
 

ThreesomeI made love with two hot men while a third sexy man took care of the children and cooked me amazing Thai food! I’ve been thinking about that all day while contemplating how amazingly awesome my life is. I mean, really, I am in awe that I have somehow done something so right as to have three beautiful people doting on my pleasure. And this leads me to think about the fact that sex never happens in a vacuum. There is always a backstory, always a context.

When you watch porn or read erotica, the context is often stripped away so that only the sex remains. You might get a few clues about who the characters are and what happened to bring them together, but mostly it’s just titillating sex. If sex isn’t part of an ongoing conversation, it becomes something separate, maybe even secret. I’m realizing that part of what I do as an educator is give sex the same weight as everything else in life. I talk about sex as much as I talk about food or books or health issues.

Actually, health issues were kind of my context for making love yesterday. Yesterday morning I had a needle biopsy to check for cancer cells in my thyroid. (Don’t worry, it came back benign!) I was pretty anxious about having needles poked into my throat, but I had so much support. (If you read my post about why I practice polyamory, you will know how important this is to me.) I had Harold with me and lots of love over text.

I chose to do this procedure, but it still triggered me. Needles are invasive. Having to hold completely still was unbearable. The sensation of my skin, my protective covering, being breached while I sat helpless felt like rape. Then at one point, the sensation of the needle in my thyroid made me wonder if this is how it feels for Harold when I put a needle through his balls. That sexy thought got me past a difficult moment!

After that ordeal I felt super strong, but I also wanted to be wrapped up in love. I needed to let go of all of the tensions and anxieties of the morning. I longed to be caressed and covered in kisses. When I got home, Joel was there with his big strong arms to hug me and hold me. With his love as a solid foundation, I went off to spend the afternoon with Harold and Woody.

This was the first time I had been naked with Woody. It’s always exciting getting to know a new lover, figuring out what makes them gasp, letting them explore your body. It was surprisingly fluid for a first time, especially after we worked out that the men were okay touching each other, rather than it just being me in the middle. In fact, the men seemed to really enjoy each other, which makes me all kinds of happy.

One of my favorite sensations in the whole universe is being in a tangled naked pile, hands and mouths exploring whatever flesh happens to be presenting. I let myself be purely in the moment, wholly focused on pleasure. It ceases to be about individuals or ego, and becomes supercharged sensation. It’s amazing.

We mostly did sensation play. I adore how responsive Woody is to my fingernails, or the Wartenberg wheel, or electostim. He shuttered in pleasure in Harold’s arms as I applied each kind or stimulus to his back. It was delicious!

Men togetherAnother one of my favorite moments was spooning into Woody’s arms while he was sitting. We were all talking, then he spread my legs and held my labia open for Harold to lick at my clit. I liked that a lot! They asked me how I was doing and I admitted that being restrained was turning me on. I struggled for a few moments, enjoying the “forced” oral sex. Amazingly hot!

We made love for hours – sweet, rough, intimate, loud, wet, sweaty, slow, intense love. This process let me take back my body from the medical vehicle of the morning. Every kiss and caress I consented to was validation that I owned my body. Every act I instigated verified that I am whole and unbroken. If I can love, I am powerful.

Equanimity restored, we returned to Joel and the chaos of home. It is such a joy be relaxed and happy and come home to the people I love. Joel was producing incredible scents on the stove and the children were excited to share about their days. Having the freedom of sexual expression makes me such a better partner and mother.

That’s my context – mother, partner, lover, friend, human – with faults, and problems, and worries – and I am blessed, beyond my ability to imagine, with people who have my back. And are willing to help me come at a moment’s notice.

Jun 142014
 

LoveSex.

A lot of people I talk to think that polyamory is all about sex. Kinky sex, with lots of people, and orgies every weekend. While I sincerely hope that someone, somewhere is living that dream, sex is not why I practice polyamory. I love to have sex (and I do have sex with multiple partners) but sex isn’t the reason I choose to have multiple partners.

Everyone has their own reasons and methods for being polyamorous, and there is no “right” way to do it.  I do it for three simple reasons: support, change, and love.

Support:   I love the extended emotional, physical, and financial support of having an extended polyamorous family and community.

I envision people in a relationship as vines that twine around each other, offering support for individual growth – sometimes more together, sometimes more apart – but always commingled, always headed in roughly the same direction. Adding more strands strengthens the combined vine and makes it easier to get to where you are going, assuming that everyone has a similar goal.

I practice polyamory because the road of life can be long and hard to go alone. I want the support of many hands. Not everyone in my support system is a lover, but the intimacy of a sexual relationship tends to open me to deeper trust. I am blessed by the love and support of many people, something I do not think I would allow myself if I were in a monogamous relationship.

Some people worry that polyamory with be harmful for children. Practically speaking, all families with children could use more support than one or two parents can offer. Children are my top priority and they are a massive investment of time, energy, and money. Polyamory offers the extended support for childrearing that traditionally has been filled by extended family, small villages, or church communities. I am always vigilant for my children’s welfare and safety. Nothing replaces the stability of parents, but who says you can only have two? My kids have access to all manner of cool people who care about them. 

ChangeChange:  Being able to explore my connections with many different people helps me grow and change, letting me more fully become my whole self.

I have a lust for new experiences. I have never been content to sit still. My goal is always to continue learning and growing. No artificial limits! I conquer my fears one at a time because I want to live life to the fullest. Every poetic turn of phrase, sacred ritual, brilliant piece of art, heart wrenching performance, deep philosophical conversation, and wildly intuitive lover I experience influences my growth as an evolving person.

Not only do I want these catalysts for myself, I want the people I care about to also be expanding and thriving. I like to excite potential. I am intensely curious about the individuals I am drawn to. Peeling away the layers of interests, adventures, and emotion to get to the gooey center is delicious to me, and I can’t help but change the people I get that close to.

When people tell me that they could never be poly because they get too jealous, what I hear is that they are too afraid of change in the relationship. And they are right, it can be extremely difficult to watch your partner move in a direction that is away from you. Harder still to do the work necessary to keep up with their growth, whether to follow them or let them go.

SupportLove:  Genuine love for myself and others fills my life with ineffable sweetness that helps to balance the inevitable pain that comes with being alive.

Some people say that they are poly because it’s ridiculous to expect to get your needs met by one person. I disagree. I can absolutely get my needs met by one person – me. I practice polyamory because I am full of love. The more I love, the more it spills out onto everyone around me. Time, money, and energy are limited, but love is infinite.

I am so curious about people. I want to learn about the individuals I am drawn to, find out what they are passionate about, get down into their core. Sometimes I find a sexual connection and sometimes I don’t. Being poly means that I can let each relationship be just what it is, not just what I would like it to be. I am not trying to persuade myself to be in love where I am not and I am not trying to deny love when it is evident.

I am opening myself up to being inspired, even changed, by these people I love. Sex creates a deeper conduit, so I am careful about who I expose my soul to. Careful, but not fearful. I give my heart easily, knowing that pain will also be my teacher. When I fall in love, I let my curiosity drive.

 

Self loveI like to think that in practice, my form of polyamory has a lot in common with the best of monogamous marriage: I meet someone and fall in love, we find that we share common dreams for the future, and we commit to help support each other in being the best people we can be. The only difference is that I maintain several relationships like that.

The down side is that I am maintaining several marriage-level relationships. That’s a lot of communication. Mostly it’s not a problem, but sometimes I feel my limitations. I’m not always great at communicating. Some days I don’t feel very expansive and it’s hard to offer support, be open to change, or feel the love around me. Days like that I’m lucky that I’m not the only person in this system.