May in my neck of the woods means lots and lots of mud. It’s a surer sign of spring than flowers. Flowers are a sign of burgeoning fertility to be sure, but I always get an intense urge to fuck in the mud. I have fantasies about ancient pagan rites of rutting in the fields to make the crops grow stronger, or to ask the Gods to bless our lands. Mud is like the blood of the earth and I want to be wild in it. I want to fuck like animals.
The problem with the Cascade Foothills is that it’s still pretty cold at the beginning of May, but we found a way for me to frolic in the mud anyway. We built a fire in the cabin so I could go and warm up as soon as we were done, and we were quick. We had awesome amazing sex with my back arched and my feet on his shoulders, then we smeared dirt all over and took pictures.
I don’t normally like to get dirty, but something about mud is so intriguing. I didn’t feel naked while covered in blood, I felt armored – tough, primal, and bestial, but also vulnerable. Mud is eternal. Fucking in the mud tends to celebrate the things that I fear about sex:
- It’s messy. I like sloppy sex, but I’m also fastidious about keeping everything clean. With mud, you can’t control the mess. I want to make sure that I feel dirty in a good way.
- I’m exposed. Being naked outdoors is an experience that takes some getting used to. More than that, much like good sex, being covered in mud made me feel like my soul was showing.
- I lose my sense of self. Usually I like letting go, but it can also be alarming. Wearing mud gave me moments of feeling other than human, but I also got to experience some kick-ass mojo.
I feel pretty earthy now. The dirt has certainly thawed and come alive. Spring is well sprung. I feel good with having done my part to quicken the earth, reveling in the May mud.
Other posts you might enjoy:
I’ve always been pretty happy with my vagina. In the last few years though, I’ve been wondering what it would feel like to have a penis. I’ve had a chance to play with dildos that gave me an idea of what it would be like to have an erect penis, but what about the rest of the time? How would it feel to have a bulge in my pants? What if I need to shift my package? What would I do if some cute person felt me up? I finally got a chance to find out when Babeland sent me a Soft Pack recently.
Soft Pack is a very lifelike artificial cock and balls. There are even veins just under the surface of the “skin.” It’s made out of Real-feel Superskin – I’m not sure what that is, but if feels amazing! It is a bit sticky, but everything I read said to dust it with a bit of cornstarch and that seems to help. Just be aware that it will pick up everything it comes in contact with. Which, of course, might be your goal. The magnetic properties of Soft Pack could totally help you find the right person.
This packer comes in two skin tones: Vanilla and Mocha. I went with Vanilla, which is paler than even my skin color. You also get four sizes to choose from. Despite being a size queen, I went with small, which is 5.75 inches from base to tip. This is a perfect size for me. It’s somewhat larger than most men would be while soft, big enough to leave a bulge in pants, yet not unwieldy. I don’t want to try to manage too much length, like the 7.75 inch length of the large! Who is that big when flaccid?
The squeeze test is the real indicator – can this cock pass as real when someone feels you up? I think so. It feels amazing through underwear. The size and materials make Soft Pack feel more semi-erect than soft, but totally authentic (and I am qualified to judge). I love playing with my new penis. I like letting it hang out of my pants. I’m pretty much insufferable with a cock. The balls are not really right. They are too small and I want testicles that slide around, but in pants they work just fine. I touch myself constantly.
Soft Pack sits just right in my boxer briefs – no need for straps, harnesses, or glue. It’s very comfortable. The base of the penis is hollowed out to create a mild suction cup. I haven’t tried strenuous exercise or dancing around, so it may require more for those kinds of activities. I haven’t figured out yet if I hang more to the right or the left. And for some reason, it’s much harder to fish my own dick out of underwear than someone else’s. Soft Pack is more rubbery.
At the price Babeland sells Soft Pack for ($16-$22) it’s worth getting one to play around with, regardless of your gender. Even people who already have penises might want to try out a more dramatic profile. Imagine the glances you’ll get!
Bottom line: Come on, you know you want a Soft Pack.
Grade: A
Other posts you might enjoy:
Store clerks seem confused by me. PTA moms radiate disapproval. Small children stare at me with wide eyes. All I did was shave my head. Why is this such a big deal? It is though. My buzz cut seriously messes with people’s perceptions. The belief that females have longer hair is deeply ingrained in our culture. My slightly femme presentation paired with extremely short hair tends to provoke the weirdest responses.
I’ve gotten used to it. It’s been two months since we shaved my head. My hair is an inch long now. I’ve stopped wearing hats everywhere. I’m just me, so it takes me a while to remember why people might look at me funny. And they do! Not everyone, but often enough. Parents are suspicious of me when I drop one of my kids off for a birthday party or play date. Guess I might be “one of those” people.
I think that if I presented more butch, people would be more comfortable. I would fit into a stereotype that makes sense to people, even if it isn’t acceptable to them. I’ll have to try the experiment to see. People just can’t seem wrap their minds around a feminine person wanting really short hair. They tend to assume that I’m fighting cancer or something. I’ve even been mistaken for Joel’s brother in a photo where I was naked. That’s some serious denial!
I love my hair this short! My youngest likes to run her hand over my hair as she falls asleep. It’s sweet. All of my lovers have mentioned how much they adore me like this, although to be fair, they liked my hair long as well. My hair is never in my face and dries very quickly. It’s pretty easy to take care of, but drives me insane because it tweaks in all directions. Who knew that inch-long hair could be so difficult?
It’s hardest to be grey. I’ve been dying my hair for so long that I had no idea just how grey my hair was. I’m too young to be so grey and I want to look as young as I am. I look totally different with my natural color. It makes me feel hard – more butch than just short haired.
It’s an interesting lesson for me. I would have thought that I could have my hair any way I want and people would treat me the same. I didn’t realize how deep and unconscious the stereotypes are. Still, it doesn’t matter: I’m going to be me. And if I happen to help people challenge some assumptions, so much the better.
For erotica, I’ve become a big fan of Cleis Press. I’m especially impressed with Rachel Kramer Bussel, both as an editor and as a writer. So I was curious to read Best Sex Writing 2012, never having read one of these annual compilations of what people have been writing about sex. The fact that Susie Bright was a guest judge and wrote the introduction is icing on the cake!
I’m impressed. Not all of the articles appealed to me – I even disliked a couple of them, but every one of them inspired thought. Every voice had something provocative to say in the realm of sexuality. This is not erotica. These pieces are brilliant reporting, touching memoirs, and humorous expositions. This book engaged my brain – sometimes my heart, and occasionally my libido.
It’s hard to pick out my favorites. They tend to be the more personal pieces that touch my emotions and perspectives that are very different from my own. The book is excellent as a whole, but here are a few of what I consider the best essays:
“I Want You to Want Me” by Hugo Schwyzer discusses men’s longing to be admired. I’ve heard many of my partners express this exact desire, feeling that it is somehow disgusting or repulsive to be male and wanting on a deep level to be cherished, but this is the first writing I’ve seen on the subject. I found it very honest and brave.
“Grief, Resilience, and My 66th Birthday Gift” by Joan Price describes the loss of her great love to cancer and her journey out of grief back into being a sexual person. I was moved to tears because I can so easily imagine myself in the same situation. I also was impressed by her courage in writing about the sexuality of people over 60, which I don’t see often, and her frank discussion of buying sexual services as a tool for healing.
“Guys Who Like Fat Chicks” by Camille Dodero focuses on men who fetishize overweight women, but it says interesting things about why certain things turn certain people on. It’s often hard to say why we fixate sexually on particular things. This is fantastic reporting on an under-represented group.
“Adrian’s Penis: Care and Handling” by Adrian Colesberry is a humorous look at what it is to have a penis. Despite my reservations about someone who speaks of themselves (and their penis) in the third person and writes excessive footnotes, I appreciate what he says about being male. I think there are so many misconceptions about erections in our culture – how easy it is to get hard and come. I’m happy to see an open discussion about what’s normal for this man.
“Love Grenade” by Lidia Yuknavitch is a beautifully bittersweet ode to women she made love with during grad school. She manages to capture perfectly the tone of a lost weekend. Her descriptions of the people and activities are hot, but what really gets to me is the feelings I’m left with. It’s brilliant.
There are so many more I could mention, tackling topics like circumcision, dating with STDs, slut shaming, the criminalization of teen sex, poor reporting of sex and sex violence, and Latina transwomen performing in drag shows. Collectively, these essays please me. It means that there are a lot of people out there starting the conversations that I think we should be having. Many of these conversations happen on the internet, but I would totally recommend this book for an insightful overview of the year’s highlights in sex!
Today marks 18 months of blogging since my first post on June 1st, 2010. This is also my 300th post!
When I first agreed to blog my sex life, I didn’t have any idea what I was getting into, I just did it, without thinking about how it would impact my life. It took me a while to find my voice. I still like to experiment with different formats and approaches. While sex has always been a big part of my life, it’s been interesting to frame my life in terms of sex. It’s made me broaden my definition of sex.
I find I’m sometimes tempted to do something sexually just because it would make a good blog post, but that doesn’t make a huge difference because I’m also just adventurous. Many times my sex dates include testing out products for review. My partners know that anything is fair game for the blog. But my life is by no means all sex. I am the mother of 5 children, and you wouldn’t believe (or maybe you would) how many posts I write with Blues Clues or Barney in the background.
It’s been a great trip – and I plan to keep going! I want to share with you some of my favorite experiences so far…
I am most proud of my gender series. I learned so much interviewing Colleen, David, Jim, Kyle, and Aleksa. I’m still learning about gender all of the time, especially my own. I wrote about my experience packing a cock in My Inner Boy. I’ve worked harder on this series than anything else I’ve done for the blog and it’s been totally worth it in terms of what I got out of it – especially the friends I made.
Making erotic videos is something that I’d like to get better at. (I have plans!) Of the ones we’ve already made, a few stand out for me. The Rainy Afternoon video is precious to me because of the energy between Harold and me. We had a lot of technical difficulties, so the result is very “art house,” but I was pleased with it; a genuine connection is harder to capture than anything. I also have to mention the More Love video that we made for all the poly people on Valentine’s Day (and for a fan who wanted to see some plushy sex). Harold and I should both be embarrassed by our acting, but it was sooooo fun to make. I like being so totally silly. I was disappointed that it didn’t provoke more of a reaction.
We got a huge reaction over our Figging Lab Experiment and the Figging Lab Results. Our labs are written rather tongue-in-check, but people took them pretty seriously. I am disappointed that I made up such a beautiful data sheet, but that no one to date has returned a completed experiment to me. That’s too bad! Another post discusses the mathematics of Viagra. Did you know that Viagra leads to math?
Some of my posts have been deeply emotional and reveal much of my inner workings. You can see my journey over time working through sex abuse issues and wanting to be topped in The Opposite of Love, Sex in the Shadow, Okay on the Outside, Walking through the Darkness, Fear and Arousal, Magic Words, and Deep Dark Fantasies.
My trip to Hawaii was big for me. I got to spend time with my girlfriend, Erika, and I met a bunch of really fabulous people. All of the foliage in Hawaii looks erotic.
Another pivotal moment for me was the first close up picture of my cunt I’d ever seen. I wrote about it in Ready for my Close Up, talking about all of my conflicting feelings.
It’s interesting to read Is Thin the Only Sexy? written almost a year ago. I talk about my body image after seeing nude pictures of myself and realizing that I was fat. I decided that fat is still sexy. It totally is. But I also realize that I’ve lost 35 pounds since then. I feel much more comfortable in my body now, but I still look at pictures of myself and feel unhappy.
Some of my favorite posts have to do with being part of a family. My children drew pictures for Secret Life of a Mommy. In Love Song for my Metamour I got to express all of the wonderful things I feel about sharing my life with Melanie. A Poly Jolly Christmas talks about how blessed I feel to have my large poly family together over the holidays.
Finally, I do a lot of reviews, but a few things have really changed my life. One of them is the book, I’ll Show You Mine, which features gorgeous photographs of vulvas. Another is Buck Angel’s Sexing the Transman, a documentary/porn flick that taught me a ton about transmen. Also, working with the photographer, David Steinberg, over two photo sessions was deeply moving.
Photo by David Steinberg, 2011
As you can see, blogging has had a huge impact on my life. These posts represent my highs and lows, ins and outs of the last 18 months. I want to thank all of our readers for your thoughtful comments and constant support. Your participation means so much to me!
The Autumn leaves are gorgeous. I noticed them in all of their unique fiery glory this morning while I was walking. I want to collect them – pick them up and take them home, but I know that they won’t look as nice after a day or two. They look better outside. Each day offers a fresh beauty. In a month I will admire the bare branches stark against the sky. In two months, perhaps snow. Nature is always offering me her best face. I see beauty everywhere. Yet it is a beauty that is impossible to hold onto.
Human beauty is like that too. The leaves had me thinking about myself while I walked, about my body image. I tend to focus on some time before or after now as a time that I have been or will be more attractive than now. I was very proud of my body as a young woman. After having children I worried that my breast sagged too much, or that I was too heavy. I wanted my pre-baby body back and judged myself by society’s standards of young beauty. I see now that my transformed body was simply the changing of the season. A different kind a beauty – one of lush fullness and fertility. Today I noticed, for the first time, that there are lines by my eyes when I really smile. It’s another kind of passage, one of having lived and known joy.
I realize that it’s like noticing the leaves and seeing the beauty of today. I want to stop judging my own beauty based on what I should look like and instead stay open to experiencing what is beautiful about me today. I may still want to lose 15 pounds and I may need a haircut, but today there is a sparkle in my eyes and something playful in my manner. It shines through. Tomorrow will be something new, a fresh beauty.
Sometimes I just become aware of something I love about my body – like the hollow of my knee when it’s bent or the curve of my breast near the armpit. I experience love for myself in small ways. It helps that we take so many pictures for the website. I get to see myself in new ways. In a few years I will look different and I will have these photos of now to remind me of the beauty that is today. Life is always about catching a perfect moment as it passes. I won’t regret the loss of today’s beauty because I know that tomorrow brings new wonders.
Today is National Coming Out day (recognized internationally)— a day for people to honor and celebrate sexualities that are sometimes dangerous to embrace publicly. October 11th is the anniversary of the 1987 National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights. In 1987 I was 14 and being raised by lesbians. Things have changed a lot since then. I am so grateful to everyone who marched or in other ways were open about who they are. So many courageous people have taken huge risks to make it safer for my children to be whoever they end up being.
WholeSexLife is all about normalizing all kinds of sex. We support just about anything consenting adults choose to do with each other: We support people’s right to express their unique gender identity, we support solo sex, partnered sex, multi-partnered sex, and in some cases, no sex, and we support everyone’s right to own their bodies. The brilliant thing about National Coming Out Day is that it gives us each a chance to say who we are, for the world to see. I believe that even that small thing helps change the world in massive ways.
So… I, Evoë Thorne, am a kinky, polyamorous, pansexual, gender queer femme with an emerging masculine side. I enjoy bondage, cock and ball torture, and anal play. I consider myself married to two men. I am attracted to people of all genders – or rather, I am attracted to people, not gender.
No shocking revelations there, but I think it’s important for me to own my sexual identity. My sexuality is also constantly evolving. It’s useful to think through it from time to time. It’s good to say, this is who I am and I’m proud to be this person. So celebrate National Coming Out Day with us and think about your sexual self. Share those thoughts with someone else. Share them here. Shout them out loud! But be proud.
I’m getting my groove on. Everything is starting to flow and I’m feeling sexy again. It’s not that I stopped feeling sexy exactly – more that it was taking a lot of effort to get to a place where sex could happen. I kind of think that I’m returning to a level of sexy that’s effortless. Maybe even sweating sex, where I feel like I’m made of sex and being in my body feels fantastic. I’d like that.
I know it seems like my life is all sex, all the time. It’s true that I make sex a huge priority in my life. I love sex. It feels great and brings me closer to my partners. But the past couple of years have been more of a struggle and I haven’t been feeling the sexy in my bones. But now, I’m flowing. I feel like an exotic flower blossoming in the moist heat.
My budding eroticism is likely caused by a combination of factors. First, I’m coming to the end of my intensive work on my past sex abuse. The world is starting to open up again. I don’t have to be trapped in pain, fear, and shame. It feels good to be so strong emotionally. I can own myself in a way I never have before. Next, my baby is almost three. Caring for her is less of a drain physically. She isn’t attached to my body for survival like she used to be. On some biological level, I think I must be reacting to an ability to reproduce resource-wise. Finally, I’ve lost 35 pounds since I started trying last February! I’m aiming to lose 15 more, but I can feel all of the differences in my body. I feel fantastic. I feel thin. I’m getting into better physical shape and that makes a huge difference in how I feel in my body.
I’ve noticed that some of my behaviors have been changing. I’m sending out sex vibes when I interact with someone I’m attracted to. Hell, even being attracted to people is an improvement. I’m noticing little erotic 
thrills with simple sensations, like raindrops hitting my skin or tasting something spicy. I hold myself differently. When I walk, my cunt becomes the center of the universe. Life reveals itself as a mystery to be explored.
Mostly, this is an internal change. It affects how I feel about myself. Slowly, it changes my outward behaviors as well. I’m waiting for the ripple effect to spill my sexy feelings further, but for now I just feel sexy. And that feels pretty darn good!
Fucking Harold in the ass is awesome. I loosen him up with a lot of lube and my fingers, then I fit just the head of my cock into his asshole. I love that moment when I’m poised above (or behind, or below) him, ready to slowly fill him – take him with my cock. It’s a moment full of desire and expectation. I like to look into his eyes so he knows how much I love him as I slide my cock into him.
Of course, I don’t have a cock of my own. I have to strap on. At first, I used a red leather harness and a silicone dildo. I adore the feel of the leather straps and the buckles, but I kept forgetting to put the harness on before I got lube all over my hands. (Slippery fun trying to fasten the buckles!) Sometimes, the harness felt awkward between us while we were fucking. I couldn’t feel Harold very well. And cleaning the leather took a lot of time. So we tried a two-way – basically, a strapless strap-on with one part that goes inside me to keep the cock in place. I love it. It’s easy to insert, easy to use, and easy to clean. I can feel more of what is going on between us. It even makes me orgasm. But if I get too excited, it falls out. Some positions don’t work very well. And sometimes I don’t want to have anything inside me. Moving around with the two-way inside me is uncomfortable. But what’s a grrrl to do?
Enter RodeoH. It’s a brilliant little harness brief with strength and style. Seriously, RodeoH looks like stylish brief-style underwear, with a built-in flexible ring in the front to slip your dildo into. It’s a fabulous idea! I’ve worn mine a few times and I’m very happy with RodeoH. Here are some of my high points…
Looks: Ok, it’s shallow, but I want to look good when I’m boning someone. RodeoH looks hot. I love the colors and the style. I think it’s the perfect blend of butch and femme for me. I feel hot wearing them.
Cost: At $45 RodeoH is the least expensive harness I’ve seen.
Accessories: My RodeoH’s came with a cute RodeoH dog-tag necklace (which I wore for three days then lost). How perfect is that? I’m totally imagining a culture in which these dog-tags are code for, “Why yes, I am ready to fuck you at a moment’s notice!” They also came in a little carrying bag. It’s a nice touch.
Comfort: I’ve worn these all day without any problems – just under my clothes like regular underwear. The fabric is soft and the leg openings are roomy. I usually wear thong underwear and I don’t tend to like briefs, but these are comfortable. I even slept all night in them without a problem. RodeoH’s are comfortable when in use with a dildo as well.
Ease: I can’t believe how fantastically easy RodeoH is to use. Just pull out the waistband and insert a 5″ to 6″ dildo through the hole. Settle the base of the dildo against the pubic bone. Really easy. Clean up is easy too. I wash mine on delicate and hang them to dry.
Flexibility: Now I know how RodeoH gets its name. The design allows for a lot of flexibility. I feel like I could have rodeo sex, riding Harold around in any number of positions, while wearing these babies. Really, our creativity is the limit.
Preparedness: Like some super hero, I can wear this harness under my clothes and be prepared for any fucking emergency. This makes me happy.
Closeness: Perhaps the best thing about RodeoH’s are how close I feel to my partner. There is so little seperating us. I love that!
Of course, like anything, I did experience a few things that were less positive…
Bruising: Maybe it was the rodeo sex, but my pubic bone hurt for days after using RodeoH with a soft silicone dildo. There’s not really any way to adjust where the dildo sits.
Fit: My RodeoH’s are totally comfortable and fit properly, which is to say that they are a bit snug in order to have proper support for a dildo. My objection is a matter of aesthetics. They fit so snuggly that my fat bulges over the waistband. I hate to muffin-top. It made me feel less hot.
Cost: $45 is a great price for a harness but an expensive pair of underwear. I guess it depends on how you use it. If you are going to be wearing RodeoH fairly frequently, you probably want more than one pair. It would suck to be ready to get it on and then realize that your harness was in the wash.
Sensation: While I loved the flexibility in positioning that Rodeo allowed, I disliked not having as much sensation as I have with my two-way. I couldn’t feel Harold as well and I didn’t come.
Hygiene: What I totally failed to think about ahead of time was hygiene. I wore my RodeoH’s to my rendezvous with Harold, had wild butt sex, and then realized that I needed to remove the used dildo from my underwear. There’s really no way to do that without contamination and I didn’t want to keep wearing them after that. Just good to note.
Overall, I think that RodeoH rocks. I’m so happy that more women are designing awesome sex products. I can whole heartedly recommend RodeoH. It is available on their website or at Babeland!
Bottom line: I’m adding RodeoH to my toolbox, but I’m not giving up my two-way just yet.
Grade: A-
I have stretch marks on my stretch marks. They gleam like silver. They ripple like wind on a river. My stretch marks are badges of honor gained through 5 pregnancies. I am covered in stretch marks. I have them on my thighs, hips, belly, breasts, and even my upper calves. Most of them were acquired with my first pregnancy, when I was 17 and went from 140 pounds to 190 pounds. My body just couldn’t cope with that big of a change. But it means that I’ve spent my entire adult life covered in stretch marks.
I wish that I could say that I was in love with these stretch marks. I’m not. It’s the single thing I hate most about my body. Well, sort of. It is part of my body. I love my body, including the things that I don’t really like. Sometimes I even really love the stretch marks because they are a map of where I’ve been. The spiderwebs across my breasts are a symbol of the time I spent breast feeding my babies. The daggers across my belly remind me of being full and round with child. I don’t mind when my lovers run their fingers over my stretch marks. But I wish I could get rid of them.
I think it has to do with the sexual images that I see. The availability of sexual images has expanded with the internet, so I can now see attractive naked older women or curvier women, but I’ve never seen a woman with stretch marks. They’re probably airbrushed out. Smooth, supple skin seems to be the standard. So if I let myself, it’s easy to feel self conscious and unattractive.
Of course, that’s total bullshit. I know lots of attractive women who have stretch marks. I can see the beauty in them without thinking, “Damn, she’d be really hot if it weren’t for those stretch marks!” And my lovers think my stretch marks are hot. Harold says they are a sign of my strength and bravery. So why am I so hard on myself? Why am I letting myself feel competitive in an industry that I want to change? Who says that my stretch marks make me less attractive?
I’m setting myself up, and I know it, but I still don’t want to have stretch marks. Maybe it’s still the reaction of a teen-ager who feels confused and betrayed about her body’s reactions to pregnancy. Maybe it’s a side-effect of getting older and wanting to look more youthful. Or living in a culture that marginalizes having children. Mostly, when I look in the mirror, I don’t see them. It’s only when I look at photos of myself that I’m critical.
So, here’s my new goal: love my stretch marks and make them look sexy. No airbrushing, just me. Maybe I can start a revolution.
