The stress has been getting to us. Between working hard all of the time, the children, managing a home and multiple relationships, working through my childhood abuse scars, and money being tight, my relationship with Harold has been very strained lately. Not that it’s been bad, just harder for us to find the powerful connection that we share. So I made an executive decision to get away for a weekend and our spouses helped to make it happen.
I’m so glad that we did! We took a ferry from Seattle to Bainbridge Island and stayed in a little cabin there. I adore the ferry – it feels like magic. Being on a boat automatically shifts the energy and gives the impression of being on a journey. I feel the same way about airplanes and trains. I like to travel; it’s exciting. It also turns me on. I always want to find some way of fucking, but I’ve only managed to have sex on a ferry boat once before, sadly not on this trip.
After the refreshing ferry ride, we walked around in downtown Winslow and Poulsbo. It felt good to spend unstructured time together. We’re always so goal oriented and busy. Here we just wandered and talked. I felt at ease for the first time in a long while. The sun was shining and all was right with the world. Part of having a family and being polyamorous is that I am always thinking about other people’s needs. It’s very nice to have no thoughts beyond the moment.
We did manage to have some sex. Again, spontaneity is amazing – the ability to just be sexual whenever the mood strikes is a gift. In fact, Harold came three times over the weekend! This is significant for me because over the past several month erections have been scarce. I am relieved to know that if we get into a more relaxed state, everything still flows. Our sexual connection is just as hot as it always has been. When we have the time and space, we are as horny as teenagers and ready to jump each other.
We did other things too. We spent a lot of time in the hot tub. We worked. We spent a delightful evening catching up with some old friends of mine. We cooked together. We walked on the beach and picked up shells. We talked easily and openly about all kinds of things. We watched movies and cuddled. It was a good time.
As with most vacations, it didn’t feel like enough time – we had just begun to unwind. Yet I was ready to face the world again. I felt rested and focused. This mini-vacation proved that our love is still strong. What more do I need?
Other posts you might enjoy:
- Love matters
- Relationship problems
- Ocean, here I come!
- Married sex
- Finding healthy boundaries for family
- Happy Birthday Week to me!
My 15 year old came out at a family dinner for her sister’s 21st birthday. We were eating and she announced, “I’m bi-curious. And I have a girlfriend.” In the raucous chaos that is our family, there was congratulations and some light teasing – mainly about her predilection for boy-on-boy. All in all it was a minor occurrence in the general celebration. No one was shocked or surprised. We all love her and support her choices, especially during this time when she should be exploring her sexuality.
She and I talked before her declaration. We had a quick errand to run before dinner and she said, “Mom, now that I have some one-on-one time with you, I want to ask you about my girlfriend.” See, I’ve known for a while that she has a girlfriend, but I figure it’s her business. I like the girl – they’ve been friends for years. My daughter is very wise and handles things very well. I trust her.
I haven’t said much about her being bi-curious and she hasn’t brought it up. She wanted to make sure that I was okay with her choices before she came out to the family because I haven’t said very much. She was worried that it meant I disapproved. No! I should have been more vocal with my support.
Of course I am so proud of her. I love how she feels confident to be herself. I want her to follow her heart where it leads. I know that she isn’t going too fast or doing anything that might be harmful. Her relationship with her girlfriend is significant, no matter how that relationship manifests. Learning to love is one of life’s vital tasks.
My daughter wanted to know if I had mentioned her orientation to anyone else. I hadn’t because that is up to her. I didn’t know if she was telling people. She laughed, “Oh, I tell everyone!” She goes to a private school where people would be open to that. Okay then. I suggested that maybe she should tell her family. I think she knows that her family will support her and they deserve to know what’s going on with her.
So we ended up at a family celebration, made more joyous by my daughter’s revelations. Even the birthday girl was encouraging, having been a long time LGBTQ ally. It makes me so happy to have created a family like this. We are not the standard American family unit, yet I think we function very well indeed. I hope we have an environment where everyone, children and adults alike, feel safe to explore who they are in all ways. I want to raise children who know they can trust their parents enough to discuss their sexuality openly and with pride.
My daughter is amazing. I expect that she is just getting started on her journey of self-discovery. Perhaps there will be other comings-out as her awareness of herself evolves. It’s been suggested that maybe she shouldn’t be quite so open because she might encounter discrimination. That’s up to her, but personally, I think she should shout it from the roof-tops if she wants. Her sexuality is normal. How else are we going to change the way that people look at so-called alternative sexualities? Let’s treat normal things as normal.
My teen came out and I’m very proud.
Other posts you might want to read:
- Parental support
- Poly Myths
- My child’s classmates’ parents
- Stand up, come out
- Love song for my metamour
I took a really long shower today. I’ve been so turned on lately. Harold and I had sex before I even got out of bed this morning, but then the children got into an argument and needed us before I came. It’s difficult for me to let go enough to orgasm with the children downstairs. I know that I might need to launch into mommy mode at any second so I don’t fully relax. But the shower is another matter.
The kids rarely enter the bathroom when I’m there – and they never open the shower door. I’m supposed to be naked there, so nothing is unusual. This morning Harold was handling everything for me anyway so no interruptions. I could luxuriate to my heart’s content – or until the hot water ran out.
I take my time when I make love to a partner, but when I masturbate it’s often very brief and businesslike. Today I focused on sensation, loving myself, and honoring my sexuality. Yes, I got myself off and it was hot.
I used the rough shower stream on my nipples, a vibrator on my clit, and an internal bullet vibe to come against. All the sensations combined to put me over the top. But I also spent time just letting the warm water flow against my skin. I let go of my wandering thoughts and watched the droplets form and reform against the tile. I basked in the rare Seattle sun, shadows of leaves dancing across my thighs. I spent a good long time soaping myself up, letting my hands slide over my body, celebrating each part. Even brushing my teeth became an erotic exercise. I felt fresh, clean, and sacred.
That’s the funny thing. Self care and good hygiene become so routine and boring, but really everything we do to take care of our bodies is sacred. Today I took a shower as an act of love – love for myself. I slowed down and remembered how to breathe. I was respectful of myself. I slowly built to release. I lingered in the lovely sensations. It’s a gift, this time I gave to myself, lovemaking for one.
Today marks 18 months of blogging since my first post on June 1st, 2010. This is also my 300th post!
When I first agreed to blog my sex life, I didn’t have any idea what I was getting into, I just did it, without thinking about how it would impact my life. It took me a while to find my voice. I still like to experiment with different formats and approaches. While sex has always been a big part of my life, it’s been interesting to frame my life in terms of sex. It’s made me broaden my definition of sex.
I find I’m sometimes tempted to do something sexually just because it would make a good blog post, but that doesn’t make a huge difference because I’m also just adventurous. Many times my sex dates include testing out products for review. My partners know that anything is fair game for the blog. But my life is by no means all sex. I am the mother of 5 children, and you wouldn’t believe (or maybe you would) how many posts I write with Blues Clues or Barney in the background.
It’s been a great trip – and I plan to keep going! I want to share with you some of my favorite experiences so far…
I am most proud of my gender series. I learned so much interviewing Colleen, David, Jim, Kyle, and Aleksa. I’m still learning about gender all of the time, especially my own. I wrote about my experience packing a cock in My Inner Boy. I’ve worked harder on this series than anything else I’ve done for the blog and it’s been totally worth it in terms of what I got out of it – especially the friends I made.
Making erotic videos is something that I’d like to get better at. (I have plans!) Of the ones we’ve already made, a few stand out for me. The Rainy Afternoon video is precious to me because of the energy between Harold and me. We had a lot of technical difficulties, so the result is very “art house,” but I was pleased with it; a genuine connection is harder to capture than anything. I also have to mention the More Love video that we made for all the poly people on Valentine’s Day (and for a fan who wanted to see some plushy sex). Harold and I should both be embarrassed by our acting, but it was sooooo fun to make. I like being so totally silly. I was disappointed that it didn’t provoke more of a reaction.
We got a huge reaction over our Figging Lab Experiment and the Figging Lab Results. Our labs are written rather tongue-in-check, but people took them pretty seriously. I am disappointed that I made up such a beautiful data sheet, but that no one to date has returned a completed experiment to me. That’s too bad! Another post discusses the mathematics of Viagra. Did you know that Viagra leads to math?
Some of my posts have been deeply emotional and reveal much of my inner workings. You can see my journey over time working through sex abuse issues and wanting to be topped in The Opposite of Love, Sex in the Shadow, Okay on the Outside, Walking through the Darkness, Fear and Arousal, Magic Words, and Deep Dark Fantasies.
My trip to Hawaii was big for me. I got to spend time with my girlfriend, Erika, and I met a bunch of really fabulous people. All of the foliage in Hawaii looks erotic.
Another pivotal moment for me was the first close up picture of my cunt I’d ever seen. I wrote about it in Ready for my Close Up, talking about all of my conflicting feelings.
It’s interesting to read Is Thin the Only Sexy? written almost a year ago. I talk about my body image after seeing nude pictures of myself and realizing that I was fat. I decided that fat is still sexy. It totally is. But I also realize that I’ve lost 35 pounds since then. I feel much more comfortable in my body now, but I still look at pictures of myself and feel unhappy.
Some of my favorite posts have to do with being part of a family. My children drew pictures for Secret Life of a Mommy. In Love Song for my Metamour I got to express all of the wonderful things I feel about sharing my life with Melanie. A Poly Jolly Christmas talks about how blessed I feel to have my large poly family together over the holidays.
Finally, I do a lot of reviews, but a few things have really changed my life. One of them is the book, I’ll Show You Mine, which features gorgeous photographs of vulvas. Another is Buck Angel’s Sexing the Transman, a documentary/porn flick that taught me a ton about transmen. Also, working with the photographer, David Steinberg, over two photo sessions was deeply moving.
Photo by David Steinberg, 2011
As you can see, blogging has had a huge impact on my life. These posts represent my highs and lows, ins and outs of the last 18 months. I want to thank all of our readers for your thoughtful comments and constant support. Your participation means so much to me!
One morning, while getting ready for school, my 14-year-old daughter suddenly looked at me and said, “I don’t want to be a girl.”
I was a bit surprised because she hasn’t ever expressed any dissatisfaction with being female before, but I’ve done some research on gender, and I felt confident that I could support her. In fact, I was kind of excited to put some of my knowledge into practice. I watched her brush her long hair in the mirror and asked, “Do you feel like a boy?”
She smoothed out her ruffled skirt and replied, “No, I don’t want to be a boy. I just don’t want to be a girl.”
Now, at this point, I probably should have asked her what it meant to her to be a girl, but I was getting carried away in my head. I was so proud that my child was questioning gender. I had to show support, “That’s okay Sweetheart. You can be gender queer. You can pick your own pronouns. We’ll call you whatever you want.” In my head I’m already imagining how all four of her parents will be working hard to make sure she (or ze, or whatever) feels seen and loved. I hugged her, “We’ll support you no matter what.”
My daughter looked at me a little funny, but nodded, “I know Mom.”
We went on with our morning routine and she continued to chat with me. What came out over time is that she doesn’t feel like she fits in with a lot of the other girls at school. We home schooled through middle school and now she is in high school. She’s not used to girls who only want to talk about boys, who wear make up, and giggle a lot. She doesn’t want to act like that just to fit in and she doesn’t know what she has in common with most of them. She doesn’t know what it means to be a girl if this is what it looks like.
Oh. Oh! I finally got it. That’s what she meant by not wanting to be a girl. That’s different. That’s a different parental conversation altogether. I was kind of jumping the gun.
Still, it can’t be all bad to let her know that we love her no matter how she identifies. It’s really hard to be a teenager. I need to make sure that I listen to what she’s actually saying, but I don’t think I can tell her too often that her family accepts her for who she is. We think she’s wonderful and amazing.
Photo by David Steinberg 2011
I’ve managed to survive parenthood through a process my sister-in-law calls banking foreplay. Banking foreplay means that you take every available moment to feel desire for each other so that you are ready to seize the moment if an opportunity to fuck comes along. It can mean a quantum thought shift for people used to playing around for hours before getting down to business. Basically, instead of bringing sexual energy slowly to a peak, people who bank foreplay make installments, saving up so they will be ready if a chance for sex arises.
One of the downsides to being a parent is that you no longer have chunks of time to be alone with your partner unless you have a babysitter. Usually a babysitter comes to your home and that usually means that you have to go somewhere else to be alone together. Not conducive to sex, but we have found options, like the hot tub place that rents by the hour. But if you bank foreplay, you have hours of low level lust built up in your system and you are ready to rock that hour.
How do you bank foreplay? Parents have to get creative. It can be a foot rub, or gazing lovingly into each others eyes. It can be sending each other sexually explicit text messages or leaving little love notes around the house. Make out sessions in the laundry room work well. So does getting frisky in bed on a weekend morning while the little ones watch television. Anything that focuses on the love between you and adds to the growing sexual energy is banking foreplay.
When will you be able to cash out? Be open to opportunities. If you feel desire and you have a few minutes, go for it. I’ve always felt that a little bit of risk turned me on more. If it’s your child’s nap time, go for it. If you can both get away for lunch together, maybe a broom closet will present itself. Or just make love to each other verbally all day and make love physically as soon as the kids are asleep. The anticipation you felt all day will carry you into the night’s possibilities.
Photo by David Steinberg 2011
This is where I am today. After a couple of minutes of intense naked snuggles at 4:30 am, there has been a steady stream of very sexually explicit messaging. We seriously considered a nooner – me driving to him at lunch time to see if we could park somewhere and get it on – but we both had too much work. I know that when I see him tonight, we will kiss and grope each other. We will cook together, which always manages to feel erotic. When night time comes, we will have banked quite a lot of foreplay. I’ll be ready to cash out.
I’m aching for Joel. He found a woman he really likes, who really likes him. They’ve spent all week talking, chatting, texting, meeting, emailing, and Facebooking. Joel has called me up, the joy, fear of rejection, and anticipation all evident in his voice. He’s seemed more alive, pleased that someone saw him and wanted him. I’ve listened to him outline all of the details and I’ve been so happy for him. He is my best friend as well as my husband. I support him in all things. We are life partners.
Ultimately, I think it was the closeness that Joel and I share that may have frightened his potential girlfriend away. She has never been in a polyamorous relationship before. It’s difficult to explain poly to people whose life experience has not given them a context. So, for the record, let me clear up some myths. (I’m speaking specifically about my relationships here, but I think that my beliefs might be true for other poly people. It’s always good to ask people directly.)
- We’re cheating on each other. Actually, we talk to each other all of the time about our other relationships. Our marriage vows did not include any promises to be sexually faithful. We never agreed to be each other’s “one and only,” so it isn’t a betrayal to have relationships outside the marriage. For the record, we also never promised “forever.” We agreed to stay together for as log as we stayed in love. Now, if Joel started seeing someone and didn’t tell me about it, I would feel betrayed.
- We have unsafe sex with tons of people, indiscriminately. Define tons. No, seriously, I pretty much only have sex with myself, Joel, and Harold. I’d like to have more sex, but my life isn’t there right now. The problem is that Harold’s wife, Melanie also has a boyfriend, who sees other people. So of course safer sex practices are important! They are extra important for us. We have 5 children to raise. Safer sex and polyamory requires trust and more communication.
- I tricked Joel into this lifestyle. This makes me laugh. We talked and fantasized about being polyamorous for a few years before we got married. We had some relationships with other people but kept them low profile. We wanted another person to raise our family with because 2 people are not enough. We assumed that would be a woman, but it turned out to be Harold and Melanie. The four of us decided to have a baby together. Joel and I are partners in polyamory, as in everything else.
- We’re unethical. No one can be perfect all the time, but ethics are VERY important to me. Honesty and open communication are the cornerstones of my life. I consider other people’s emotions as much as possible in my decision making. We’re not going around trying to trick people into things. We don’t lie about being poly.
- If we’re married, there isn’t room for anyone else. This is obviously untrue. When Joel and Melanie pushed Harold and me into exploring our attraction, no one knew what it would end up looking like. Now Harold and I are also full partners, as well as Joel and I. Everyone is equally important. In any case, I only spend 3 days a week with Joel. He has room.
- If you’re serious about a relationship, you have to get married. This is my favorite myth and I think it’s based on our cultural norms. There are lots of serious relationships that don’t have anything to do with marriage. For me, marriage is a legal contract that has to do with agreeing to raise children together. I think that polyamory gives people the opportunity to break free of cultural norms and explore each relationship without pressure. Maybe fuck buddies is what the relationship is meant to be. Maybe you just share a hobby or interest. Maybe you spend every minute together or maybe you see each other once every six months. Every single relationship is valued for what it is.
- It will harm the children. How exactly? Our children have 4 parents to support them. That’s way more stability than 2. Children only care if it affects them. Our nearly 3-year-old daughter proudly says that she has two mommies and two daddies. She feels sad for people with only 2 parents. I take my parenting pretty fucking seriously. I would not do anything that would harm my children. They are growing up in an environment of love.
- Polyamorous people don’t feel jealousy. Ha! Of course we feel jealous sometimes. You know what? Jealousy is an opportunity. It gives me a chance to look at my stuff. If I feel jealous, it’s because some need of mine is not getting met, not because my partner is doing anything wrong. If I examine my feelings, I can communicate my needs and probably get what I want. Polyamory has been a fantastic therapy method for me.
Polyamory is not the same as the Lifestyle (Swinging) or polygamy. You can not gauge my life by watching Big Love, no matter how entertaining. We are not trying to push our choice onto others. The whole point is that everyone gets to love in a way that is right for them. Joel’s friend has every right to decide that she can’t love him because he’s married. It just makes me sad. From what Joel says, she’s lonely and needs love. I hate to see people reject a chance at happiness.
I’m sad for Joel. He deserves to be seen and loved. Things are not always easy for him, away from his family so much. I’m hoping that this is just a beginning for him, an opening of spirit that connects him with someone he can really give himself to. In addition to me.
I’m getting my groove on. Everything is starting to flow and I’m feeling sexy again. It’s not that I stopped feeling sexy exactly – more that it was taking a lot of effort to get to a place where sex could happen. I kind of think that I’m returning to a level of sexy that’s effortless. Maybe even sweating sex, where I feel like I’m made of sex and being in my body feels fantastic. I’d like that.
I know it seems like my life is all sex, all the time. It’s true that I make sex a huge priority in my life. I love sex. It feels great and brings me closer to my partners. But the past couple of years have been more of a struggle and I haven’t been feeling the sexy in my bones. But now, I’m flowing. I feel like an exotic flower blossoming in the moist heat.
My budding eroticism is likely caused by a combination of factors. First, I’m coming to the end of my intensive work on my past sex abuse. The world is starting to open up again. I don’t have to be trapped in pain, fear, and shame. It feels good to be so strong emotionally. I can own myself in a way I never have before. Next, my baby is almost three. Caring for her is less of a drain physically. She isn’t attached to my body for survival like she used to be. On some biological level, I think I must be reacting to an ability to reproduce resource-wise. Finally, I’ve lost 35 pounds since I started trying last February! I’m aiming to lose 15 more, but I can feel all of the differences in my body. I feel fantastic. I feel thin. I’m getting into better physical shape and that makes a huge difference in how I feel in my body.
I’ve noticed that some of my behaviors have been changing. I’m sending out sex vibes when I interact with someone I’m attracted to. Hell, even being attracted to people is an improvement. I’m noticing little erotic 
thrills with simple sensations, like raindrops hitting my skin or tasting something spicy. I hold myself differently. When I walk, my cunt becomes the center of the universe. Life reveals itself as a mystery to be explored.
Mostly, this is an internal change. It affects how I feel about myself. Slowly, it changes my outward behaviors as well. I’m waiting for the ripple effect to spill my sexy feelings further, but for now I just feel sexy. And that feels pretty darn good!
How open should I be about my lifestyle? I have my husband, my partner, and my partner’s wife as important people in my life. We’re a family. We’ve chosen to parent together. With things pertaining to the children, any of the four of us could be involved, so I tend to be pretty open and honest about being polyamorous. It’s who I am and how our family looks. We care deeply about taking care of the children. Our children should know that they can be proud of their family. They should know how lucky they are to be so loved.
I have always been upfront with school and medical forms. We have attended school functions en masse when possible. I’m rarely asked about our situation because lots of kids have step parents and such. Well, one of my children is starting a private high school next week. I was completely honest on our admission forms and they asked us about being poly during her admission interview. Joel, Harold, and I attended orientation together. Today there was another parent meeting that Joel and I went to. While we were sitting in the hall waiting, we were snuggling a bit. A mom that we’ve known for 7 years and seen sporadically, came up to talk to us.
“Are you two still together?” she asked, “Because I thought you were with that other guy. I hope you don’t mind my asking.” Actually, I’m thrilled that she asked. I would prefer to discuss it openly. I happily went through my whole spiel about how we manage homes and time and such. What I’m trying to communicate is that this is my normal. It’s not weird or shameful. This mom kind of gets it, but she still asked, “You mean, you have two guys?” before we move on to talk about bus schedules.
Yes, I am blessed with two incredible relationships with men I love very much. And we still need to figure out the bus schedule.
I wonder how many more conversations I will have like this. Will rumors spread? There are only 28 students in my daughter’s class. I’ll see a lot of these parents over the next 4 years. I want straightforward honesty instead of wild speculation. I haven’t even begun to think about how to talk about what I do for a living. That strikes me as not really anyone’s business, but it’s not secret either. I don’t like secrets.
I’m trying to find that good balance between being open and not revealing more than is necessary. I’m also trying to be on good behavior. For example, I didn’t ask the extremely hot parent if they are poly or if they would like to go out with me. See, isn’t that good? And I didn’t once mention sex toys or porn. But I think I helped expand awareness and began to create a safe environment for our poly family. Yes, I think we’re off to a good start.
Being married to two men (emotionally, if not legally) has gotten to feel very normal and natural. Sometimes polyamory has it’s challenges but mostly it feels like monogamy with more advantages. I guess what I’m saying is that my life is just like everyone else’s. I just have more people’s feelings to factor in. The up side is that I’ve got more people watching my back.
I’m happy when things all work out. This morning I was feeling bad – low self esteem, under the weather, struggling with the implications of having a tubal ligation, coming down from last weekend. It’s also my son’s 10th birthday which seems very momentous. All these things conspired to make me an emotional basket-case. I tried talking to Harold about where I was and what I thought would help but I wasn’t in a place to be skillful. It just triggered his emotional hang-ups.
So there we were, both feeling horrible and completely unable to communicate with each other. Then Joel called. He was able to get to the heart of how I was feeling and let me know that I was not alone. I talked to him about the troubles Harold and I were having. He made it clear that he loves us both and that we needed to be good to each other. He asked to speak to Harold. I waited nervously for them to be done. I talked to Joel again. He told me that I needed to hug Harold, which was funny because Harold was already hugging me. Joel told us both that we needed to hug each other frequently throughout the day and verbally express love and support. He called it aggressive hug therapy.
It actually worked. When Joel checked up on us a couple hours later we were both feeling better. Joel’s advice let us talk through a situation that we were otherwise mired in. This is what’s so amazing about polyamory. Where two people might get stuck, sometimes three (or four) people can fly through.
Melanie and I often corner Harold when we’re both having the same kind of relationship problem with him. He’s more likely to listen if we both talk to him together. And tonight at my son’s birthday party when I was totally exhausted, Harold and Melanie were there to pick up the slack. Tomorrow Melanie wants to take the children to the zoo. Normally Harold and I are together on Saturdays during the day, but it’s totally to my advantage if I can get some time to myself.
It’s a bit of a balancing act. It isn’t perfect. Right now, I am just acknowledging how blessed I am. My polyamorous relationships enrich my life in countless ways. Either relationship would seem totally normal by itself (because it is), but having both men to love and love me and care for each other is exponentially fulfilling. It took feeling bad today to make me realize how good things really are.
