Dec 012011

Self-reflection Today marks 18 months of blogging since my first post on June 1st, 2010. This is also my 300th post!

When I first agreed to blog my sex life, I didn’t have any idea what I was getting into, I just did it, without thinking about how it would impact my life. It took me a while to find my voice. I still like to experiment with different formats and approaches. While sex has always been a big part of my life, it’s been interesting to frame my life in terms of sex. It’s made me broaden my definition of sex.

I find I’m sometimes tempted to do something sexually just because it would make a good blog post, but that doesn’t make a huge difference because I’m also just adventurous. Many times my sex dates include testing out products for review. My partners know that anything is fair game for the blog. But my life is by no means all sex. I am the mother of 5 children, and you wouldn’t believe (or maybe you would) how many posts I write with Blues Clues or Barney in the background.

It’s been a great trip – and I plan to keep going! I want to share with you some of my favorite experiences so far…

I am most proud of my gender series. I learned so much interviewing Colleen, David, Jim, Kyle, and Aleksa. I’m still learning about gender all of the time, especially my own. I wrote about my experience packing a cock in My Inner Boy. I’ve worked harder on this series than anything else I’ve done for the blog and it’s been totally worth it in terms of what I got out of it – especially the friends I made.

Hedgehog bondage in "More Love"Making erotic videos is something that I’d like to get better at. (I have plans!) Of the ones we’ve already made, a few stand out for me. The Rainy Afternoon video is precious to me because of the energy between Harold and me. We had a lot of technical difficulties, so the result is very “art house,” but I was pleased with it; a genuine connection is harder to capture than anything. I also have to mention the More Love video that we made for all the poly people on Valentine’s Day (and for a fan who wanted to see some plushy sex). Harold and I should both be embarrassed by our acting, but it was sooooo fun to make. I like being so totally silly. I was disappointed that it didn’t provoke more of a reaction.

We got a huge reaction over our Figging Lab Experiment and the Figging Lab Results. Our labs are written rather tongue-in-cheek, but people took them pretty seriously. I am disappointed that I made up such a beautiful data sheet, but that no one to date has returned a completed experiment to me. That’s too bad! Another post discusses the mathematics of Viagra. Did you know that Viagra leads to math?

Some of my posts have been deeply emotional and reveal much of my inner workings. You can see my journey over time working through sex abuse issues and wanting to be topped in The Opposite of Love, Sex in the ShadowOkay on the OutsideWalking through the Darkness, Fear and Arousal, Magic Words, and Deep Dark Fantasies.

Flower in HawaiiMy trip to Hawaii was big for me. I got to spend time with my girlfriend, Erika, and I met a bunch of really fabulous people. All of the foliage in Hawaii looks erotic.

Another pivotal moment for me was the first close up picture of my cunt I’d ever seen. I wrote about it in Ready for my Close Up, talking about all of my conflicting feelings.

It’s interesting to read Is Thin the Only Sexy? written almost a year ago. I talk about my body image after seeing nude pictures of myself and realizing that I was fat. I decided that fat is still sexy. It totally is. But I also realize that I’ve lost 35 pounds since then. I feel much more comfortable in my body now, but I still look at pictures of myself and feel unhappy.

Some of my favorite posts have to do with being part of a family. My children drew pictures for Secret Life of a Mommy. In Love Song for my Metamour I got to express all of the wonderful things I feel about sharing my life with Melanie. A Poly Jolly Christmas talks about how blessed I feel to have my large poly family together over the holidays.

Finally, I do a lot of reviews, but a few things have really changed my life. One of them is the book, I’ll Show You Mine, which features gorgeous photographs of vulvas. Another is Buck Angel’s Sexing the Transman, a documentary/porn flick that taught me a ton about transmen. Also, working with the photographer, David Steinberg, over two photo sessions was deeply moving.

Photo by David Steinberg, 2011

Photo by David Steinberg, 2011

As you can see, blogging has had a huge impact on my life. These posts represent my highs and lows, ins and outs of the last 18 months. I want to thank all of our readers for your thoughtful comments and constant support. Your participation means so much to me!

Sep 132010

As I get ready to leave the island and head back home to Seattle this morning, I am reflecting on what else I’ve learned during my stay:

  1. Lots of lube + warm moist climate = a need to wash up as soon as possible in order to avoid nasty chafing.
  2. Relationships are complicated, but rewarding. Relationships between women are even more complicated and even more rewarding.
  3. An all-girl double date is very fun, but ending up in bed together probably looks different than you’d think!
  4. It’s a small island. Everyone knows someone, who knows someone, who knows you. That makes it especially courageous to be out and kinky/sex positive here.
  5. I don’t always know when someone is hitting on me.
  6. Flowers are the embodiment of sex. They just are.

I’m sad that my vacation has come to an end. A huge thank you to everyone who made my stay so enjoyable, and especially to my beautiful, darling girl, Erika. (I love you!) I didn’t get to see everything, so I’ll just have to come back. Mahalo!

Sep 112010

Yesterday I got to see a different side of Hawaii – the black sand beach, near the lava flows, where the hardened lava has been beaten into sand by the ocean waves. I was struck by how deeply sexual and primordially feminine the place was. I walked through the vast open expanse of dark, hardened lava thinking, “Oh! Of course Pele is a goddess. Of course the divine resident is female.”

It totally makes sense to me, not only because I saw female genitalia everywhere I looked in the landscape around me, but also because there is something about the destructive force of nature that feels very female to me. Maybe it’s the abundant life that immediately fills the void left in the wake of such teeming chaos. On the black sand beach people bring coconuts and leave them to sprout and become trees. Maybe it’s my ability to imagine that lava is the earth menstruating. Or it could be that like all women, she reserves the right to change her clothes as often as she wants.

The beach itself was a powerful place – a liminal blending of elements. Within seconds, I was covered with a fine sheen of salty sea spray, the sparkling black sand moist beneath my feet. I stood on a rocky outcropping and watched the waves for a long time. It came to me that love is a filling up and spilling over. Fear closes us up and makes it impossible to fill up, let alone spill over. I’ve known this, but the ocean always reminds me. Love is a filling up and spilling over. Over and over, like waves.

In this meditative state, I realized something very important to me – I don’t give up myself by loving others. I am whole and complete all by myself. Like the wave rush up to caress the shore, melt into the sand, and trickle back to the ocean, I can spill out my love, become totally enmeshed with my lover, and slowly come back to myself sated and secure. I don’t lose anything by loving. The ocean changes all of the time. She gives and receives, ebbs and flows – but the ocean is always there, constant, yet changeable. Like me.

As I watched the waves some more, I saw that the spray created a rainbow as the waves crashed into the rocky shore. It was like a neon sign telling me that I was on the right track. There is hope. There is so much beauty in the world. I too can find loving vitality out of stark destruction. And really, what if love and beauty are the birthright of every human on the planet?

Sep 072010

Today I learned some valuable lessons here in Hawaii:

  1. Be careful what you do under water. Most people are wearing snorkeling goggles and the water is totally clear.
  2. Swimming is like sex. It works better if you relax and trust that your body knows what it’s doing.
  3. There is no easy and tactful way to say, “Hey, I really like you. You turn me on. You can stick your fingers in me any time you want.”
Sep 072010

I’m in Hawaii now with Erika! I’m really grooving on how wild and primal it is here. I’m literally in the jungle. I fell asleep last night to a raucous chorus of frogs and who knows what other beasties. Why didn’t I realize that Hawaii was lush and feral?

I’m on the east side of the Big Island and I’m loving how incredibly sensuous everything is. The scent of exotic blossoms and moist earthy rot fill the air. The sun warms my skin and tiny rivulets of sweat trickle down my spine and between my breasts. I stepped outside this morning after a refreshing rain, feeling everything squish between my toes. I ate ripe guava fresh from the tree for breakfast and a strangely savage fruit, mangosteen, that filled my mouth with fabulous sweetly exotic juices. It’s never quiet here, yet the sounds are very soothing. Beauty is everywhere – from the extravagantly flowering foliage to Erika’s smile.

And maybe it’s just me, but even the plant life seems pretty suggestive. See if you don’t get what I mean…

Aug 232010

HawaiiIn two weeks I will be going to Hawaii!

I’m very excited. This will be my first trip to Hawaii. I’m going by myself and staying with my sort-of former girlfriend, Erika for a week. I desperately need some time to myself – time to rest and relax, but I find myself thinking more and more about my dear girl.

I should explain. I’ve always considered myself bisexual, but I’ve only had a few girlfriends. Erika and I dated for about a year, maybe a year and a half, around 5 years ago. We never broke up, we just sort of drifted apart as our lives took us in very different directions. We have stayed friends, maybe even girlfriends, though we don’t have very much contact. And every time we see each other, we are magnetically attracted to each other.

I totally love Erika. She is such an amazing person – she is a published author, a spiritual counselor, healer and mentor. She sings in her church choir. She has been a sex-positive, kink-friendly educator (I learned flogging at one of her workshops)! Erika just feels good to be around.

But when we were dating, I was pretty insecure. I wanted so much to please her. I loved wooing her. I enjoyed our romance, I was just totally nervous about making love to her the right way. I was so sure that Erika had so much more experience than me. She freaked me out by giving me books about fisting. And telling me that my fingernails were way too long to have sex with a girl. I was worried, but I wanted her.

We did work our way through some of this stuff. I will be forever in Erika’s debt for slowly, slowly, slowly opening me up and telling me that my cunt is beautiful, something that no one had ever said before. It’s also Erika’s fault that I starting thinking that, yes, perhaps I would like to come, thank you. Now I tend to expect 3 or 4 orgasms a session, if not more.

Erika in HawaiiI’d like to repay that debt, you know, show my gratitude. I want to show Erika that not only did I read the whole book about fisting, I’ve had some opportunity to perfect my technique in the years since we were together. I know we will be attracted to each other. I’m pretty sure that she’s thinking the same things. She says that I should bring my two-way!

But I’m back to being nervous again. We haven’t been together for a while. I’m heavier than I was. I’ve gone through some major life changes and a ton of therapy. Her life looks very different. If we explore sexually together, does that imply a relationship? Do I want that? Should I just relax and go with what feels right?

I don’t know, but I’m trimming and filing my fingernails.