May 222011

I’ve decided to spend most of today in bed. I’ve earned it with my wild weekend and I have to remind myself that I’m still healing from surgery 4 days ago. I’d like to say that I’m having a crazy sexy time, but most of that is going on in my mind, not my body, as I process through the incredible amount of input I’ve gotten over the past two days.

Evoë reading her poemMostly, it’s been SEAF – the Seattle Erotic Art Festival. What an amazing experience! I feel very lucky to have participated this year, both as an artist and as an attendee. I’m blown away with how engaging this year’s festival is. There is the visual art – fantastic artists like David Steinberg, Michael Rosen, Patti Beadles, Charles Davis, Mina Bast, and Jeff Hengst. And there was way more, those are just a few that particularly caught my attention. Then there was the literary art. I got to do my first poetry reading. People asked me to sign their copy of the book. And the people I heard read are all so good. I was particularly impressed with (and maybe crushing on a little) Kyle Jones. It’s so fulfilling to be surrounded by people who not only think a lot about sex, but craft their thoughts into beautiful concepts, wielding words like hammers or paintbrushes. I can feel it go right through me.

All of this would have been enough to have me reeling for days, but there was more. Like the Queeriodic Table, modeled after the periodic table and full of good words to describe any point on the Queer spectrum. I found a new word for myself (I love new words!): I am a futch. Like femme-butch. It can mean both at once, or alternating. I can’t decide if I like it better than boi. I suppose I can use both!

Evoë signing the SEAF anthologyAnd La Figa was there, covering gorgeous bodies with luscious food and handing out samples. A couple danced the tango amidst the art. There were boxes mixed in with the visual art that featured scents. There were so many great displays and decorations, so much to take in. Perhaps my favorite joy was seeing the wild outfits people wore to feel sexy, as wildly divergent as their sexual predilections.  It was all there – from street hooker to drag queen to kilt to The Matrix, to practically naked, to elegant, to metallic, to feathers, to robotic, to rave – everyone was showing off in all their splendor. It was very difficult for me to not touch or put it in my mouth.

Outside of SEAF I had a few notable  experiences. Harold and I had sex in front of about 30 people who all paid admission. Okay. Truthfully, we were models for a workshop that David Steinberg taught about taking erotic photographs of couples. It was an interesting experience. The workshop itself was a lot of useful information about the kind of photography I want to be doing. Then the demo part happened and Harold and I made love in the center of a big room with people all around. It was easier than it sounds. I mostly closed my eyes and shut out everything but Harold. I was occasionally aware of David taking pictures, but mostly not. I had a few momentary thoughts of sucking in my gut to look good, but I quickly let that go. The most important thing was to be real in my love for Harold. I’ll be curious how the photos come out!

Joel rocking out with his cock outI also had a weird experience where I offered to publicly support a new non-profit organization that fights for the rights of sex workers, only to be told no thanks because I’m only a sexuality blogger, not a sex worker. I thought the whole point of working toward rights for sex workers is to make people aware that not all sex workers are street walkers. People make a living through sex in many different ways and they are all subject to discrimination. Sorry, I think you’re missing the point – I hope you get it figured out.

It’s just been an incredible weekend. I’ve met so many fascinating people, many of whom I hope to work with in the near future. And the weekend’s not over yet – this evening I’ll get out of bed to go see Susie Bright with Melanie and Harold. No rest for the wicked!

May 072011

I’m a slut.

EvoëI’m just going to reclaim the word. Say it with me, I’m a slut and I’m proud! Doesn’t that feel better? Own it, Baby. Do you wear fishnets or thigh-hi stockings to work? Slut. Do you make out more often than shaking hands? Slut. Do you take every opportunity to shed your clothes and shake your ass? Slut. Do you pose for nudie pics? Yep, slut. Being a slut sounds like a lot of fun. We should all embrace our inner slut and do the things that make us feel sexy.

Even though I don’t normally consider myself slutty, I’ve been thinking about the word a lot lately. Slut has been in use since the 1300’s. Chaucer used “sluttish” to describe a male, but it’s usually an insulting term used to call a woman dirty, slovenly, and sexually indiscriminate. In “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy (which you should read if you haven’t already), they define slut as, “…a person of any gender who celebrates sexuality according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you.” and go on to say, “Sluts share their sexuality the way philanthropists share their money…” Yes! That’s exactly how I feel. I am a slut.

Except that yesterday Harold and I were in bed talking about how I feel when I want to be topped and the concept of being a slut come up. Harold is a slut and likes using the word to describe the most deliciously depraved kind of person. He was asking me if I want to be topped when I feel like a slut. Well, yes, but not the happy kind of slut I normally feel like. When I’m in that mood, I am a slut who is prurient and self-loathing. I have a voracious appetite for sexual humiliation. It was interesting for me to look at that. Sometimes I am a dirty slut. I claim that too.

Hot slutI claim slut for my own use, just like fuck and cock and cunt, to be used the way they were meant to be used. I’m tired of there being so many ways that we insult each other over being sexual and not enough good words to talk about the wonderful things we do in these bodies. I like slut. I like that it’s fairly gender neutral. I like the way it slides over my tongue and darts between my teeth. I like that slut sounds like slot – and we all have slots, made for fucking. I am a slut that likes to fuck!

Slutwalk Seattle is coming up on June 19th and I plan on walking. The idea behind Slutwalk is that everyone should be able to wear whatever they want without fear or danger of sexual assault. In fact, rape happens even when women are wearing ratty sweats and a baggy sweater. Blaming the victim is never acceptable. I’ll be walking because I can be the biggest slut in the world and still have the right to say no – at any time, to anyone. I can dress like a slut and act like a slut and still own myself. So can every other slut out there. Come on out sluts!

Mar 052011

JoelOne of the many things I love about my relationship with Joel is the way we banter with each other. It’s like a running comedy routine when we’re feeling good. He’s so outrageous. And he loves to play up my reputation as a sex maven. It’s fun. And silly.

But the other night he was giving me shit for calling myself a grrrl. He says it’s pretentious. Yeah, I kinda get that, but it’s how I tend to identify – either as a grrrl or as a boi. “What’s wrong with just being a girl or a boy?” he says, “Why do you have to make it complicated? I’m a traditionalist, you are either a girl or a boy. That’s it.” Again, I see where he’s coming from, but I disagree.

And isn’t this the same man who used to cross-dress? Oh yes, still either a boy or a girl, no in-between, right?

I try to explain to him about finding myself between genders, outside of society’s gender conventions. I’m a grrrl most of the time. I love my femme aspects, my female body parts, but I don’t buy into the “rules” about how a girl should behave or who she can be. For me grrrl is like girl, but minus the guilt and add some kick-ass. It makes me happy. Then sometimes, I am a boi. I don’t give up my femme attributes, but I take on masculine mannerisms, energy, and thought processes. I’m gender queer.

EvoëI am very clearly physically female, but I get to define my gender. Other people may use the same terms to mean something else or different terms to describe the same thing. I’m not trying to be pretentious. I am claiming my right to express my identity in just the right way for me.

So Joel says, “What, I can just make up a word for when I’m a boy that feels more like a girl? Fine. Then I’m a birl!” Yes, exactly. He starts to laugh, “Then I can be burly! That adds new meaning.” I tell him to spell it B-I-R-L-Y. It’s a great new word for me, although I’m sure people already use it.

I’m highly amused. I’m a grrrl and my partners are a boi and a birl. I get the absurdity even while feeling strongly about gender identity. I don’t expect other people to use my terms, they are just for me. But I think everyone should shape language to help them define themselves. Who are you?

Jan 162011

Hand through barsPeople in every special interest group have their own lingo that sets them apart. It’s important to have words to express the complex concepts unique to your particular interest. The downside is that this jargon can make the people just learning about or on the fringes of your group feel excluded when they don’t understand this lingo. I don’t think that most people mean to shut out newbies.

Especially when the special interest group is the polyamorous community. Why scare away the fresh meat, um, I mean, prospective partners? I’ve been polyamorous for longer than I’ve known there was a word for it, so it’s cool that there is a vocabulary evolving around the core concepts of polyamory. I didn’t even realize that I’d taken on new words until I tried having a conversation with Joel and some of the words were unfamiliar to him.

So… here are a few words to add to your polyamory dictionary, if they aren’t already there:

Compersion – The simple definition of compersion is that it’s the opposite of jealousy. More directly, compersion is feeling joy for your partner when they are happy with a partner who is not you. Taking pleasure in your partner’s connection with others. However, it is possible to feel both jealousy and compersion at the same time. I tend to feel jealous when some need of mine is not getting met, usually because I haven’t been good about taking care of myself. But I tend to feel compersion all of the time. It’s like love is flowing in all directions and what I give comes back to me.

Metamour – This is your lover’s lover, with whom you do not have a sexual relationship. For me, Melanie, Harold’s wife, is my metamour. I’m not sure whether Melanie’s lover is then also my metamour. That might be pushing the concept too far. I like having the word though. It’s way easier than the long drawn-out explanation.

NRE – Or New Relationship Energy. Surely you are familiar with this feeling- the infatuation of learning someone new. It’s powerful and amazing, and has the potential to drive everyone around you crazy while you act foolish, sappy, and obsessed. But it doesn’t have to be bad for the established partner. Happiness is catching. Increased sex drive benefits everyone. When I fell in love with Harold, I went back and read all of Joel and my emails, poems, and erotic stories we wrote for each other. It was like falling in love with them both.

FeetPolyfidelity – This concept is like group marriage or monogamy with more than two people. Basically, polyfidelity is a group of three of more people who all have equal relationships with each other and agree not to have any relationships (or sex) outside of the group.

Poly Processing – I’m so relieved that there’s a term for this! This is working through all of the intense emotions that complicated relationships tend to bring up. It seems to be necessary to make everything work. Granted, the more people involved, the more processing needed. I recently read, and tend to agree, that you should spend as much time having sex as you do processing. I vote for more sex.

Relationship Configurations – Polyamory comes in a lot of shapes and sizes. There are names to describe some of the more common ones. A triad is an equal relationship between three people. A vee is also three people, but one person has relationships with two different people, who are not involved with each other. A quad is equal relationships between four people, usually not crossing the square diagonally, but that is possible. A zee is a chain of relationships with four people. In reality, there are many ways that poly configurations happen. Our current zee started as a circle of six.

Unicorn – This is the mythical Hot Bi Babe (HBB) that supposedly all couples are looking for. Generally thought to be an attractive, bisexual, woman who will love both partners equally and be content to put their relationship first. There is often a fair amount of chat on this subject anywhere that poly people gather. Joel and I used to discuss getting our own HBB, but then we found something better!

These are just a few words that I’ve come across recently. People are coining new terms all the time. If you have a great word for poly people, let me know!

Jan 062011

Science!Background [1]

The art of chain measurement, or cunchenation, has largely fallen into disuse in recent centuries.  Among ancient peoples, by contrast, generosity and hospitality was closely linked to an impressive chain capacity, and young girls would wear their chains proudly around their necks, or in the case of really long chains, around their waists.  It was a practice among the Celts to hang your chain, or Faighin Slabhra, at your front door, so passers-by could assess the hospitality of your house in advance.  It has even been suggested that the efficacy of harbor chains in repelling sea-born attacks was originally based on their terrifying ability to suggest really formidable women defenders.

A woman generally opened herself to measurement in a public ceremony, aided by her partner, or Cunchenaide.[2] Because the level of arousal was crucial for achieving an impressive chain capacity, a long chain was considered to enhance the Cunchenaide’s reputation as well.  And, though it was largely symbolic by the time the Romans invaded, older practices demanded that the Cunchenaide pay homage to the lady by gifting her with an orgasm for every link of her chain on the longest night of the year. Many anthropologists postulate that these rites were believed to bring joy and fertility to the household.

We invite you to practice some cunchenation of your own. We’ve broken the process down into a few easy steps that can be carried out in the privacy of your own home, although you certainly may conduct this experiment publicly for a more authentic experience.


Improve lab technique by experimenting with non-standard units of measure.


  • 6 feet of proof coil chain: must be brand new, chrome-plated (not galvanized or nickel-plated), 1 inch long links, smooth welds
  • Boiling water
  • Isopropyl alcohol
  • A large amount of personal lubricant
  • A pillow (optional)
  • A towel (optional)


Step 1: Prepare the chain

When cunchenation was widely practiced, Cunchenmasters carefully constructed special chains. Thankfully, today we can simply pick up what we need from the local boat supply, livestock, or hardware stores – but do inspect the chain carefully for flaws or rough spots.

Purify the chain by boiling it in water for at least five minutes. Let cool and wash in isopropyl alcohol. Rinse and pat dry. Store someplace clean (like a new ziplock baggie) until ready for use.

Step 2: Prepare the woman

It is the job of the Cuchenaide to put the woman in a receptive state. The use of tongue, fingers, and vibration were traditionally used on, but not limited to the following areas: nipples, clitoris, and g-spot. The exact ritual has been lost in time, but we feel confident that you will be able to approximate a reasonable facsimile.

You will know when the woman has achieved the appropriate state of receptiveness when she appears meditative and begins chanting. When you hear mantras such as “ohm eye god,” “yesyesyes,” or “pleeeeeeeeeease,” you may proceed to the next step.

Step 3: Cunchenation
Cunchenation in action

The secret of successful cunchenation is copious use of personal lubricant.  If you are attempting to stay true to the classical practices, we recommend wild boar ejaculate, but everyone else should feel free to use their favorite brand of commercially available lube. Whatever you use, apply it liberally to both the woman and the chain. It may be necessary to place a pillow beneath the woman’s bottom to aid in accessibility and comfort. Additionally, a towel may be strategically placed to catch excess lubricant.

Begin to insert the chain into her cunt one link at a time. The ancient Celts would count each link aloud as it went in, but we believe that to be unnecessary in modern science. Quantifying the measure can take place at any time after the lab is completed. It is important to keep the woman focused by attempting to keep her arousal level as high as possible. Additional stimulation may be required.

Evoe's measureWhen you both agree that the woman is as full of chain as possible, mark the chain, preferably with a bit of red ribbon. Let her roll from side to side to feel the depths of her generosity.

At this point, although we have our measure for science, it may be prudent to follow the ancient rites, which held that a woman’s measure was not valid until she showed her approval. To this end, bring the woman right to the edge of orgasm, then slowly and smoothly pull the length of chain out of her cunt and place it on her stomach. She should then feel moved to approval.


Traditionally, the chain was cut to length during or immediately after measurement, but for scientific purposes, it is appropriate simply to count the links that were inserted. Please note the results in your lab notebook, and compare with other students. Some women may feel that a single measurement suffices, while others may wish to pursue scientific inquiry more diligently by gathering many data points over the course of time.

Extra Credit

Roles can be reversed so that the Cunchenaide may similarly be carefully and rigorously measured, using a fresh chain.

[1] References: While no known written record of the ancient and venerable practices described here has yet been found, we are sure that our account is perfectly authentic and can be considered, as the Italians put it, “ben trovato.”

[2] As far as can be determined, Hobart’s “KitchenAid” brand is not intentially derived from or related to the ancient term, Cunchenaide.

Nov 032010

Collar and cuffsI’ve spent the last two weeks being sick – sinus cold, acute asthma, bronchitis, pneumonia, then a new cold on top of that! Needless to say, that although I’ve spent a lot of time in bed – sweaty and gasping, it hasn’t been sexy fun. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I deserve to feel good. I’m ready for cumtastic times. Bring on the foregasms and the cumintercourse and moregasms for dessert. Yes, I’m making up words because I am that bored and loopy. What else is there to think about?

Surprisingly, being sick doesn’t stop me from thinking about sex. Sex is just a normal part of life. No, I haven’t been turned on, but sex as an intellectual discipline or a philosophy is ever-present. For example, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I wish our society taught teens about sex. (I’ll write about that soon, promise.) I’ve read a ton of vampire smut – or urban fantasy, as we now call it. I discovered that my cunt is incredibly hot when I have a fever and spent some time wondering what it would feel like to fuck me. And I’ve had lots of opportunity to work through a bunch of emotional stuff that helps me both in my relationships and with my self image. Yay for me.

I’m actually on the mend. It’s all a matter of perspective. Soon I will be able to have an intimate moment without hacking up a lung in my sweetheart’s face. Soon I will be hoarse because I’ve been screaming in pleasure. Soon I will be short of breath because of marathon orgasms. Soon I will be able to spend hours giving Joel a blow job. Soon I will have enough energy to try every position in the Kama Sutra. Soon I will have Harold hanging from the ceiling by his… Well, you get the picture. I’m full of positive thoughts for a speedy recovery.

Foregasms, here I cum!

Aug 172010

WholeSexLifeMy daughter borrowed my car and left her radio station on. If not for that, I would not have learned another phrase for the sex lexicon today: tossing the salad.

It means licking your partner’s asshole. I’m not sure what that has to do with tossing or salad. I’m really trying to imagine how that came up, but I’m failing utterly to see the connection. Maybe I’ll have to try it on Harold to see if he feels salad-like. Or if I feel like tossing?

Anyway, I am happy to hear that popular radio supports anal sex and sex education in general!

Aug 112010

WholeSexLifeMy life seems perfectly normal to me. I have a job, I take care of my home and my family, I work hard and try to have fun, and I think about sex most of the time. Just like everyone else, right? Then sometimes, I step back and take a look at my life from someone else’s prospective. And I laugh. Because my “normal” life is very different from what we’ve been led to believe is normal.

I’ll give you an example: bits and pieces of yesterday…

Melanie (Harold’s wife – well, other wife – she married him first and it’s legal) stopped by at 7:30 this morning to drop off our daughter before rushing off to catch a ride to work with her boyfriend. Her car needs to visit the shop and the boyfriend is currently staying at Harold and Melanie’s house until he can move into his own place.

At 10:00 Joel and I were driving into town to run errands. Joel was browsing Craigslist personals while I drove, but he made sure to share the choice bits with me. Great headlines like “Got a good sperm count?” and “I JUST WANT TO LICK! IS THAT SO WRONG?” and “Join me for arts and crafts,” (which you would think was simply miscategorized, but he included a picture of his flacid cock). Joel is half-heartedly looking for a girlfriend or a sexual play partner, but I don’t think Craigslist is the way to go.

Around 11:00, still running errands, I looked at my Facebook. Several people I’ve never met are wanting to be friends. As I check them out, one of the guys’ interests catch my eye – emetophilia, polyamory, bisexuality. Now, I know the second two, so what is the first one? I looked it up. Yay! A new word… that means, basically, Roman showers. Being aroused by vomiting or by someone vomiting on you. Now, I’m completely phobic about puking (me or someone else), so it’s hard for me to imagine eroticizing or fetishizing the experience, but I’m totally fascinated. Is he actually serious? I sent him a message asking.

I read some while waiting for Joel. Currently, I’m reading Sex At Dawn: the Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality by Christopher Ryan, Ph.D. & Cacilda Jethá, M.D., a book highly recommended by the poly community. It’s great. I’ve been reading bits out loud to anyone who will listen. Basically, this book is explaining how monogamy is unnatural – a newer construct in the evolutionary scheme of human history, developed around the same time as agriculture. According to this book, humans originally lived in small groups where they shared resources, raised children together, and had lots of fantastically orgasmic group sex. I’m not sure how good their science is, but it makes a whole lot of sense to me. And it’s a highly entertaining read. Yesterday I was reading about Darwin’s sex life!

By 2:00 Joel and I were home again. My new Facebook friend who is into emetophilia had messaged me back. He actually is into vomiting! His mail was very thoughtful and honest, which I totally appreciate. He said, “…it’s fun to do that which society labels taboo or disgusting, like emetophilia.” That’s exactly what I’ve been saying about a variety of things that seem pretty out there. If it gets you off, and you can do it safely, have a good time!

Harold and I spent the afternoon making love. It was the kind of stuff we are usually into – some oral sex 69 style, lots of talking, a bit of CBT, G-spot experimentation, several orgasms, and some straight forward fucking. Followed by some crying and some more talking. Oh, and I peed in the woods, which is a new skill for me. It’s easier if you are naked. I think it’s sort of sexy.

Joel, Harold, and I all made dinner together. It’s a warm and wonderful feeling, all touching each other while we work, stopping for kisses when we cross paths… I love spending time with both of my lovers together, even just doing things around the house.

Later Harold and I watched a movie. It was a fairly recent movie about relationships and dating. I found it kind of depressing and alien. I don’t think I’ve ever lived in that world.

And that was my day! Perfectly normal.

Jun 282010

WholeSexLifeJoel has provided me with another new word! We were fooling around in bed this morning, snuggling and getting each other off without actual intercourse. I was pretty sure that he had come because the back of my panties was all wet, but I asked, just to make sure. He was amused because it seemed kind of obvious and he asked me if I had orgasmed.

That seems like a straight-forward question, but it was hard for me to answer. I hadn’t had an actual full on orgasm, but I had experienced twinges and ripples of pleasure. It felt really good! There was all of the energy of coming. But no, not really coming.

Joel nodded sagely while I struggled to explain. “Ah,” he said, “you had a girlgasm.”

Wow. A girlgasm? What a great way to explain the full range of female orgasmic experience. Boys tend to either orgasm or not. Girls have that span of pleasure leading up to and coming down from full orgasm – not to mention the space between orgasms. So, we have girlgasms!

Jun 252010

WholeSexLifeI was just on IM with Harold talking about Seattle’s Pride March this weekend and he used the best word. We’re hoping to go out tonight so we’re discussing options. I mentioned that I’m really not a party girl and he said that I was a party boi – all bouncy and femasculine.

Femasculine! I doubt that’s a new word, but I haven’t heard it before. Harold hadn’t heard it either. He said it just spurted out. I love new words! I love the whole idea of being femasculine!

Well, I may be bouncy and femasculine, but I still don’t know what we’re going to do tonight.