My Whole Sex Life

The applications of Clone-A-Willy are endless – what couldn’t you do with an exact replica of your (or your guy’s) penis, a vibrating portable model? I asked Clone-A-Willy to send me a kit to review because I was entranced with the possibilities. I could masturbate with his cock when we were apart. He could literally fuck himself(!?!) Problem was, I had two guys and one kit, but after some checking around, we determined that everyone would be okay if I fucked Harold with Joel’s cock. We would clone Joel’s willy. I love my crazy life.

Clone-A-Willy sent me a DVD along with the kit that demonstrated how the process works. It is unintentionally funny. I believe that the stars of this little video are porn stars. While I did get a good idea of what to do, the absurdity of the situation had me laughing. I would absolutely recommend reading the written instructions thoroughly before you start.

Joel and I sent to work while we had the house to ourselves. This is not a process that you want to interrupt in the middle. Cloning your willy is pretty simple, but there are several steps: mix up the molding powder, insert penis into molding tube, pour rubber into the prepared mold, insert vibrating unit, wait 24 hours and remove new vibrator.

The tricky parts are getting the water just the right temperature to mix with the molding powder and the fact that you have a very short amount of time to mix it up and get your dick into it. And cloning a willy is also very messy. I don’t think we were prepared for how much of the molding material would be displaced. We did trim his pubic hair, but shaving might have been better. I was also glad that we were in the kitchen over the tile floor, because it cleaned up pretty easily.

This is a partners sport. I think you could do this by yourself, but having someone there helping you to maintain an erection is easier and more fun. We certainly enjoyed the process, but it wasn’t inherently sexy. A cock ring helps some, however our resulting dong sadly did not capture Joel in his full glory.

This instant gratification grrrl had a hard time waiting a whole day for the rubber to set. I was excited to pull away the molding material and reveal the hot pink cock model. It’s eerie how much detail is transferred. There is a slight imperfection where the vibrator shows through. I think it’s where Joel was somewhat diagonal in the molding tube.

I was so excited about Clove-A-Willy that it wasn’t until we were partway through the process that the fact we were dealing with rubber penetrated my brain. I’m allergic to rubber. I welt up massively when rubber touches my skin, a fact I learned after applying liquid latex to my breasts. Even underwear with exposed elastic raises large welts. I can’t use this vibrator.

Actually, I’m not sure that anyone should use a willy clone without a condom. Rubber toys should not be shared without a condom and they are quite porous so they should be washed carefully and gently after each use. Mild antibacterial soap and water is appropriate.

Since I love the concept of Clone-A-Willy and enjoyed the molding process, I brainstormed a few ideas. First of all, Clone-A-Willy makes kits for soap, candles, and milk chocolate. Pretty romantic, right? But then we came up with a few other ideas…

What if you inserted sticks instead of vibrators? Then you would have a penis on a stick and you could have “cock fights” with your friends. Clone-A-Willy comes in a variety of colors. I’m envisioning color coordinated cocks and helmets, with full out, SCA style battles. It would be AWESOME!

My favorite idea is to take impressions of all of your conquests and mount them on plaques like hunting trophies. There’s even Clone-A-Pussy. Imagine sitting in your den in a smoking jacket explaining your sexual successes to some young thing, “Sure, he doesn’t look like much, but let me tell you…” and “Yes, I bagged that one on holiday in Spain…” and “Oh, that Romeo, hung like a stallion, but he snored like a bull…” I can totally see it. It makes me happy.

Bottom line: Everyone should try Clone-A-Willy at least once. Think out side the box.

Grade: B

Stronic Zwei is a jackhammer of pleasure. Seriously. I’ve just taken to calling it The Jackhammer, as in, “Honey, grab The Jackhammer and let’s have some fun!” In fact, it’s made by Fun Factory (one of my favorite sex toy companies) and they sent us one to try out ahead of their official release in July. We are extremely impressed. This is a high-end, well designed, very effective sex toy.

Zwei is so innovative and different that I don’t know how to describe it. The Stronic line uses new technology to create thrust. Stronic Zwei literally rocks back and forth in your hand. It creates amazing sensations on the prostate and g-spot, although not at the same time. It uses more of a natural fucking motion than a buzz. This is not a vibrator it’s a pulsator, and it’s here to rock your world.

I’m pleased with Zwei’s construction. It’s very solid and can definitely stand up to the repeated thrusting. Counter pressure did not seem to slow the toy down. The one I received is blue, but I suspect that it will also be available in black. Soft medical grade silicone covers the insertable part, with the handle being firmer.

There are three control buttons on the handle, one for power (press FUN) and two to navigate the 10 different pulse cycles (press + or  -). While the buttons are located in a place where you can easily operate them yourself, it can sometimes be difficult to find the right button during use. All of the rhythm pattern options are useful and pleasurable at different times. We had a hard time finding exactly the one we wanted at any given time, but I assume that gets easier with practice. Our favorite is the slowest of the thrusting patterns. An added feature is the ability to key lock the Zwei so it doesn’t go off at an inopportune moment, like during a TSA search.

Also on the handle are two little magnetic buttons – this is where the charging cord docks. It’s totally easy to use, but be prepared to have to charge your new device overnight (they say not more than 16 hours), as ours needed to be fully charged. That’s always disappointing for me when I want to try something out right away! It has held the charge well so far. We’ve, ahem, tested this product extensively without having to recharge it yet.

And guess what?!? Zwei is fully immersible!  Although I am a little nervous to risk losing such a fantastic toy, I can’t wait to use it in the bath or shower. It just can’t go in the dishwasher. Cleaning has not been a problem though. I simply wash Zwei with soap and water. It would be possible to use it with a condom, use spray on toy cleaner, or cleansing wipes.

One of the brilliant things about the way Stronic Zwei is constructed is the lip at the bottom of the insertable part. It looks kind of like the hilt of a knife, or the protective bit under a torch. Not only does this lip keep Zwei from getting lost in your bottom, it also works to contain any potential mess. Yes, you are probably going to need a fair amount of water-based lube to get this toy into your ass.

Stronic Zwei is fairly girthy. Harold and I enjoy prostate play, but this was bigger than anything we’ve put in his bum so far. We worked up to it without any difficulty, though, once the toy was turned on. The thrusting motion made it slip in easily. In each of us it seemed to be just big enough to have a sexy feeling of fullness without ever becoming uncomfortable. Zwei also has that bend at the tip to deliver pressure to just the right spot. It feels good in my hand. Harold says it’s way the best prostate toy he’s ever experienced (and he’s done some experimenting). As he put it, “Whoever designed this toy really knew what they were doing!”

This toy is perfectly usable by yourself, but I recommend it for partner play. I think it’s easier to operate if you are not in the throes of pleasure, but really, don’t you want to share the intensity of this pleasure with someone you love? I got a huge rush knowing that I was part of the experience when Harold just lay there with his mouth open, moaning. I got to help by playing with his balls and cock. I like to ramp things up. I enjoy watching him writhe.

Fun Factory is marketing Zwei as an anal toy, but generally anything that works on the prostate also is effective at g-spot stimulation. After watching Harold bliss out with the Zwei in his bum a couple of times, I had to try it on myself! I wasn’t disappointed. It feels fantastic. It doesn’t give me the same sensations as Harold’s fingers, but it’s good in a different way. I did use a vibrator on my clit and the combination was perfect. I especially liked coming with the Zwei in, my orgasm contracting against the continuing pulses and bringing my to orgasm again. Awesome!

I don’t know how much Fun Factory is going to retail Stronic Zwei for, but I think we would find a way to buy one, knowing how good it is.

Bottom line: Yes, yes, please yes!

Grade: A

A vibrating sound is occurring somewhere in my room and I can’t pinpoint the culprit. It’s not coming from my bag of sex toys. It’s not my computer. It’s not the lights humming. It’s not coming from outside. It seems to be emanating from a diorama constructed of my pre-schooler’s toys, but she’s not anywhere around. I look around the room some more. Nothing. I go back to the toys and realize that the centerpiece is in fact a vibrator – a vibrator that looks like an adorable giant rubber duck.

I Rub My Duckie is the most cheerful sex toy I’ve ever seen. Babeland was nice enough to send it to me and make me laugh. (There are so many obvious jokes!) Don’t think that this is just a novelty item, however. This tub toy packs some serious vibration! If you are willing to fuck a duck, this baby will rock your world.

My biggest complaint is that it looks too much like a child’s toy. It blends in well. My kids are all drawn to it. The minute I had it out of the package my children were instantly present, as though my Duckie had summoned them. My eight year old took it out of my hands and examined it. “We need a screwdriver to put batteries in it,” he informed me. “It doesn’t look watertight. I bet you can’t really take it in the bath.” Where did this kid come from?

Harold agreed with him, but the two of the worked together to get batteries (2 AA’s) into it. It’s serious business. Powered up, the Duckie loudly vibrated across the kitchen floor, to the 3 year old’s delight. You have to squeeze the duck’s tummy pretty hard to turn it on.(Yes, I know.) It cycles through 3 speeds before it shuts off, which is kind of a pain if you want to shut it off quick. It’s very loud no matter what. I’m not sure how they justify calling it quiet. This is not a subtle vibe, but it is strong.

Surprisingly, I Rub My Duckie is totally waterproof and can indeed go in the bath. We had a lot of fun in the bathtub, me and Duckie! I love how the vibrations create ripples across the water. I also like how my duck can just sit on the edge of the tub looking cute, unlike my vibrator, which really just looks like a vibrator and isn’t something I want to explain to children or guests. Like I mentioned before though, it makes a lot of noise and makes all the kids come running to see what is happening – not conducive to Momma getting off.

One of the most interesting features of I Rub My Duckie is the variety of surfaces. For example, the tail feels more intense than the head. Or you can use both ends at once! Or tickle yourself with the beak! It can be fun to explore the different sensations, although I also felt kind of silly. I mean, I’ve never had a duck eat me out before.

I Rub My Duckie is unbearably cute, but ultimately, I don’t think I’ll be using it as a vibrator. On the plus side, it’s strong enough to get me off, made of body safe materials, and I can use it in the bathtub. On the minus, it’s loud, difficult to turn on and off, and a bit awkward to use. In my world it looks too much like a toy for me to keep it to myself.

Bottom line: this duckie is hardworking, but too cute for his own good.

Grade: B

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Are there things about sex that you would like to know, but are too afraid to ask someone? When you google your sex questions do you get a million porn hits or highly questionable responses? Do you long for simple, straightforward demonstrations and explanations on a broad range of sexual topics? I can fix you up.

I recently spent some time exploring Passionate U, a website dedicated to helping adults answer any question about sexuality. (More advanced BDSM type questions are addressed on the sister site, Kink Academy.)  Each site features a multitude of short video clips (average 3-5 minutes) from well known sex educators and other sex professionals. The faculty is currently over 50 people and constantly expanding. They add new videos each week!

The website is well organized and easy to use. You have to agree to their waiver every time you enter the site, which only makes sense. You can then select one of the options available on the main page: sensual, sexy, kinky, relationships, health, or academic. If that doesn’t work, you can try a search term or sort by skill level, toy, topic, or faculty member. I was able to easily find the videos that interested me. And the brilliant thing is that if a specific video wasn’t working for me, I could just stop it and find another.

I should make a confession. I’m not a very patient person. I don’t watch a lot of online videos because I can’t stand to wait while they are loading. I occasionally had this problem with Passionate U. When everyone in my house was on the internet, I was unable to successfully watch videos and it drove me wild with frustration. Passionate U does have a very good help section for troubleshooting viewing problems, but ultimately I had to wait until I was home alone.

Passionate U has many videos available for free, so you can get an idea of what to expect. Check them out and seriously consider paying for a membership in order to have full access. They offer several options, starting at $24.95USD/month.

I learned so much in the 2 weeks I was trialing the site. I took in information about squirting, pegging, senior sex, consent, negotiating awkward social situations, oral sex, legal ramifications, sex positions, and much, much more. I especially appreciated the segment on intact cocks because it was an up close guided tour of an uncircumcised penis. Where else could I get this kind of visual? I haven’t seen an up-close and personal example since I was a teen living in Europe and not many men would just drop their pants for me so I could explore. Well, maybe they would, but that’s not the point!

Go look at Passionate U. These people have a lot to offer and they are serious about adult sex education. I promise  you’ll learn something.

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When Babeland sent me the most epic vibrator of all time to review, a Hitachi Magic Wand, I immediately thought of the epic woman who introduced me to the Magic Wand, my metamour, Melanie. Here are her own words, explaining why you need to have a Hitachi:

If You Don’t Have a Hitachi Magic Wand, Go Get One!
guest review by Melanie

The Hitachi Magic Wand is the best vibrator ever. To say I recommend it highly is an understatement. If I were stuck on a desert island with ten things, and one of them was a generator, another would be a Magic Wand.

It’s not just me who thinks this. It really is the gold standard of vibrators. On the Internet, people say things like, “The Hitachi Magic Wand Massager is the best thing I ever bought my girlfriend for Christmas” and “Now I know why it’s called the OMG machine.” Betty Dodson, sex expert of sex experts, recommends it for women trying for their first orgasm. A few people complain about it, but don’t listen to the complaining. It’s like people who go to fish restaurants wanting steak. The Hitachi delivers on the thing it’s supposed to do: Give you a great clitoral orgasm.

The person who introduced me to the Magic Wand was my first girlfriend. She was amazed I’d never tried it, and she insisted I get one right away, jumping up and down and squeaking in her passion. She was right. Later on, my raves and our experience with it led a boyfriend of mine to buy an extra for me and also one for his wife. She raved too. Every woman I know, once she’s had a chance to use it a while, has given her thumbs-up.

Why is it the best? It’s intense. For some people it’s too intense, and for them I’d recommend what my girlfriend did, which was to put some layers of cloth between you and it. A pillowcase, a sheet, your jeans, whatever works. The point is, it’s intense enough that for me the orgasm is pretty much a sure thing, unless I’m exhausted. It is the promise of the sure orgasm that makes the Magic Wand magic.

It’s also the right shape for clitoral application. I know it has an attachment for G-spot play, but to me that’s just window-dressing—G-spot play is not what I use the Magic Wand for. It’s for that day-to-day, “I just want to come” thing, the bread and butter of vibrator use. For that, it’s perfect. Though it’s heavy and big, it’s maneuverable for something its size. And it’s made like a real appliance: It’s not some gacky purple or fluorescent green, it feels solid in your hand, and it holds up to intensive use.

For anyone who really likes intense sensation, it’s the only vibe I know that has such strength. It has two settings, but I rarely use the faster one. The strong vibration means strong orgasms. Like I say, it can take getting used to, but I’d recommend making the effort. It will reward you.

The only downside is that it’s a bit noisy. So put a pillow over it.

Buy one. Buy two, one for home and one for travel. (Though don’t do what I did and burn it out in a French hotel because you forgot the adapter. Quelle tragédie! It only works on 120-volt AC current.)

The Magic Wand is magic.

• Review: My Hand
• Review: Intensity
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• Review: Silicone Jack Rabbit
• Review: Tenga Eggs

Book: Curvy Girls
Editor: Rachel Kramer Bussel
Publisher: Seal Press, April 2012
Retail: $17.00

What’s the best way to spend Memorial Day weekend? Lounging about reading erotica, of course!

Having been a curvy girl since puberty, I appreciate seeing a whole book of erotica celebrating fuller figured women. I love lush ladies who are confident in their sexuality. Curvy Girls covers the broad expanse of curvy – from runner’s calves, to carrying a little extra weight in all the right places, to a few weeks postpartum, to huge asses. I think most women can find something here to identify with.

It is reassuring to read sexy stories about people who seem real. The strength of this book is also it’s weakness: most of these stories feature women who are insecure about some aspect of their bodies. While they often use sex to work through those issues by the end of the story, I got tired of reading about how they didn’t feel lovable or how they hated a particular part of their body. It was never out of place in context, but collectively I wanted at least the fantasy of seamless sex, without insecurities. Yet, seeing all of the vulnerability that goes into sex was a huge turn on. I guess what it comes down to, for me, is that this anthology does a fantastic job. I just wish that our culture supported women of all shapes and sizes.

I am seeing a shift, with books like this, Tumblrs that focus on curves, and fat-positive porn. Rachel Kramer Bussel has done a fantastic job of bringing together a collection of erotic tales that leaves no doubt that curvy girls have some smokin’ hot sex.

Let me tell you just a little bit about a few of my favorites:

Before the Autumn Queen by Angela Caperton is the steamy tale of a museum docent who seduces the patron who loves a certain painting as much as she does. The painting is as much a character in the story as the two of them. I love how rich the story and the environment is and when they have sex in the museum it’s deliciously transgressive. Gorgeous and haunting!

Decadence by Satia Welsh features a handsome chef who falls for a sexy confident woman who relishes every bite that he cooks. Lots of sensuous eating gives way to a wild romp around his restaurant. This story is unapologetic and takes no prisoners. Makes me totally wet.

Passing the Time by Gwen Masters is a different take, with the main character wondering what’s up with her boyfriend’s sudden lack of interest in her. Deciding to put that aside for a time, she makes love to herself, getting herself off with dildos and fantasy. Different and emotionally rich.

What Girls Are Made Of by Evan Mora caught my attention because of the voice of the story. It’s one of three girl-on-girl adventures in this book. In very descriptive language, the main character describes her perfect woman, “a dapper butch… with a little substance to her,” and the kind of seduction and sex they would have. I want to do it as a performance piece. It’s brilliant.

In the Early Morning Light by Kristina Wright is intensely touching in it’s realism, telling of a woman 9 weeks postpartum who just wants to sleep. Her husband begins to make love to her, and despite her desire to be left alone, her body starts to respond. I adore the exquisite blending of worlds here, returning to sexuality after journeying into motherhood. Beautifully done.

Curvy Girls is a good read, quality writing and lots of super sexy curves engaged in a variety of sex acts. If you want to get in on this action you can purchase the book from Amazon.

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I’m skeptical of reviews done by people who don’t have the proper equipment to evaluate the product – for example, me reviewing the JackStrap, a device meant to help people in possession of a cock and balls to get off. I do not biologically possess a set of cock and balls. But here’s the thing, I approach sex like science. When I’m testing out a new product, I’m collecting data. I always try something several times before I review it, collecting as much information as possible, and lucky for me, I have two guys – so I can get both of them to try a penis-oriented product.

Jack Strap was sent to me by Ntimate, the same company that made the ingenious FleshWrap. I am eager to try out everything they can come up with based on my experience of FleshWrap. But what does the JackStrap do? From their website, “This simple silicone strap loosely connects your balls to the fingers you wrap around your cock. So, every stroke of your cock now also tugs and bounces your nuts.” Is this a good thing?

I rely on my guys to give me good information about penis-oriented things, like jacking off and the things they might do on their own to get off. Joel and Harold both confessed that sometimes it feels good to get some ball-bouncing action going, which is what Jack Strap is all about. Harold enjoys rough play with his balls, Joel is extremely sensitive and generally doesn’t like me to touch his balls.

It was Joel that tried JackStrap first. It really is a simple silicone strap with loops at either end. We struggled for a while to get his balls into the round opening, but he felt very cautious about pulling his scrotum through. I wrote to the company saying that we couldn’t get him in it, even with lube. The CEO of Ntimate, Jack Campbell, emailed me back himself:

Hmmm… That’s odd, as the JackStrap is stretchy enough to go around a 16 oz. drinking glass.

The procedure is to put both sets of fingers (both hands) into the larger round hole and pull them apart, and stretch the bejesus out of the JackStrap opening. Pull your hand maybe 4-inches (100mm) or so apart, creating an opening much, much larger than the target scrotum. Then while holding it that way, put it over the balls, and slip your finger out.

The point is that you cannot hurt or break the JackStrap by tugging it WAYYY open. And, a delicate approach is not best. Be aggressive. Grab the thing, slip all your fingers into the hole, pull it apart between your hands like you’re trying to break it, and just yank it wide freaking open.”

I gotta love a CEO who gives that kind of advice! Unfortunately, Joel wouldn’t let me near his junk again with the JackStrap, so I had to try it on Harold.

Harold I can be quite rough with and he had no problems getting JackStrap over his balls. His problem with JackStrap is that, sadly, he is not hung like a porn star. His penis is of average size and the finger holes for JackStrap hit much higher than the place he would normally hold his cock for beating off. Having too much give in the strap means that there is no ball-bouncing. It just didn’t really work.

Both of my test subjects said that, while the concept of JackStrap is good, there’s not really a lot of point in purchasing an item to do what they’ve already worked out ways of doing when it feels like the thing. They demonstrated masturbation techniques that elicited results similar to what JackStrap purports to do. My guess is that most men who would be interested, already have their method as well.

My conclusion to this science experiment? Based on my sample of two, JackStrap is not the ingenious device that FleshWrap is. It’s probably not worth shelling out the bucks for. But I have to rave about the company. Ntimate is an up and coming name in the sex toy industry, creating innovative products for men. Their customer service rocks my socks and I can’t wait to see what they do next.

Bottom line: unless you are a porn star who wants to jiggle and bounce your balls, wait for Ntimate’s next big breakthrough.

Grade: C-

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My first thought was that it looked like a giant crochet hook. My second, that it was very pink. Followed by, how quickly can I get this thing out of the package? I’ve been hearing great things about the toyfriend line for a while, so when Babeland sent me the toyfriend Starlet, I was pretty excited. The Starlet is an impressive package.

At 6.5 inches long and 1.25 inches diameter, this vibrator is just about my perfect size for internal use. With the broad flat, angled head, I believe that this is meant to be a g-spot toy. The slogan on the box seems to support this: “I’m up and coming and oh so hot, my ambition will hit your spot.” Except that it doesn’t for me. I think that my anatomy is different from most people’s because generally, g-spot toys don’t hit my g-spot.

That’s okay though, because Starlet works wonders on the clitoris as well. I like the broad head because it spreads vibration over a distributed area, but the edges are great if you want pinpointed stimulation. This vibe has 5 simple settings – 2 solid speeds (but I can’t tell the difference between them) and 3 patterns. I found all of the settings to be a bit buzzy against my clit. I quickly felt so sensitive that I had to move the vibrator away, but still managed to come with some creative positioning.

Starlet comes with batteries, which totally wins toyfriend bonus points from me. I will say that the batteries only lasted through a few uses, leaving me dripping wet, clutching the Starlet and yelling down the stairs to Harold to please grab me two AAA batteries. I caught a lot of shit for that. Anyway, the base unscrews and the batteries slide in, easy as can be.

The single button is on the bottom, making it straightforward to turn on and rotate through the settings. Turning Starlet off is as simple as holding the button down for 2 seconds. My only problem was that when I was using the vibe internally and trying to get a good position, I kept turning it off accidentally.

This vibe is made of high quality silicone. It’s hard and soft and smooth, except for the stamped in logo taking up about 2 inches on one side (I didn’t feel it when in use). I love that Starlet doesn’t pick up lint or anything. It’s totally easy to wash and care for, since it’s waterproof (I’ve used mine in tub and shower). Oh, and water-based lube is going to be best for this toy.

I generally like fairly quiet vibrators because it’s nobody’s business what I’m up to. I would say this one is medium to quiet. You can hear it over the shower noise, but not from the next room with the door open. It’s still kinda noisy, but I find it acceptable for my needs.

One of my favorite things about toyfriend is that they have little plastic stands that come with their vibes. I love that my Starlet can be stored or displayed standing up. You could collect the whole line and display them on your mantle like you are the winner of some erotic awards. Or it could simply decorate your bedside table and be right at your fingertips when in need. Mine is actually going to live in my shower.

There are a few downsides: I don’t like the color (toyfriend can call it magenta all they want, it’s still pink). It’s not a good toy for anal play. It doesn’t hit my g-spot, even though it feels nice inside my cunt. It can be difficult for me to orgasm using it, but generally when used in conjunction with other things, it’s a nice addition.

Although this isn’t a vibe that stands out in the sea of sex toys, there are some things I really like about Starlet: the size and shape is really good. I can get adequate depth and the flat surface of the head feels great on my clit. It’s high quality. I appreciate the construction and material of this vibe. The vibration patterns are actually effective. This is probably the first vibrator I’ve used where the special vibration patterns did anything for me.

Bottom line: probably a great first vibrator.

Grade: B

Other posts you might enjoy:

• Review: My Hand
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The mermaid swam faster, golden peals of laughter tumbling over her shoulder as she gauged her lead on the octopus chasing her. The massive cephalopod was gaining, tentacles propelling him closer! Too late, she turned to find a large rock looming directly in front of her. She was trapped! She turned to face her pursuer, breathless with expectation. He pinned her to the rock with several strong arms. Tentacles curled tenderly around each of her nipples and his beak found the spot that made her scream in ecstasy every time. Just as her octopus lover brought her to the edge, tentacles slipped inside her mouth and cunt, filling her completely…

If you’ve ever had tentacle fantasies, Babeland has a dildo for you – Pipedream’s Icicles No. 24, aka Octopussy. The Icicles line is all hand blown glass “massagers” in a variety of shapes and sizes. No. 24 is a scintillatingly crafted, elegantly curved and pseudo suction-cupped tentacle. It’s a very fetching and entirely appropriate  shade of pink. This dildo is beautiful and brilliant!

I confess to being a bit intimidated by Octopussy at first. It’s girth and extreme texture made me worry about comfort, but with a bit of lube, everything was fine. I found the bumps and textures to be quite pleasant. The playful loop of the tentacled tip makes for a useful handle when thrusting. The length is perfect for me, but the curve is not quite right to hit my g-spot.

This is a blown glass toy, so everything is smooth. In fact, it feels great. I love glass – I like the weight and heft of it, the beauty of it, and how easy it is to clean up. Just soap and water, or even the top of the dishwasher. The best part about glass is that you can easily play with temperature, warming or cooling the toy to the desired level.

Hokusai, 1814

Octopussy’s biggest lure, however, is in the realm of fantasy. Women have contemplated tentacles as objects of lust for centuries. This Japanese erotic woodcut by Hokusai from 1814, called The Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife, depicts a female diver in the amorous embrace of two octopuses. Even Picasso painted erotic images of women and tentacled sea creatures. Modern art forms, from Hentai to sci-fi aliens, are exploring the erotic potential of cephalopods. If you’ve ever imagined yourself in the sexy grasp of a tentacle, perhaps this dildo can put the octopus in your pussy.

Bottom line: quality toy full of fantasy potential.

Grade: B

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• Freak of the week
• Office supplies

Book: Say Please
Editor: Sinclair Sexsmith
Publisher: Cleis Press, April 2012
Retail: $14.95

Sinclair Sexsmith, the editor of the new Say Please anthology of lesbian BDSM erotica, is calling their book release tour the DIRTY QUEER SEX TOUR, and I’m so happy to be participating! I wasn’t sure what to expect from Say Please, but I was delighted by the wide swathe of kink that this literary erotica cut through my imagination. I’m always interested in the myriad ways that gender expresses itself and Say Please is full of variety. The BDSM quotient zoomed through all of my favorites (except CBT, for obvious reasons) and right into areas that pushed my comfort levels. In other words, it was so hot to read that I had to get myself off.

Because it turned me on so much, I showed some of my favorite stories from Say Please to Harold and asked him to share his thoughts and feelings on them. For reference, we are polyamorous – partnered to each other and married to others. Depending on the day, I identify as pansexual, queer, or hard femme. Harold is still looking for the right boy (which is to say, mostly straight, but wistful). It was hard to pick just three stories, but I did. Here are our opinions of a few of the fantastic stories in this book:

First Ride, by Wendi Kali

Evoë:
Some of my favorite kinks – A motorcycle, chain bondage, flogging, hard packing, and strap-on sex! I’m delighted. It’s hot, hot, hot! I love this story because it’s a study in opposites – the hard, experienced butch and the soft, inexperienced femme. I like how all of the subtext of their conversations is evident in the story. It feels very intimate for the reader.

Harold:
This story (and many of the others) reminded me how much of gender is in our heads. This butch is a gentleman indeed, as well as a hot, skillful top. And the sweet, innocent (!) young woman who wants more experience… we play these roles because it all works so well. The echoes that I heard here which I miss in corresponding straight narratives, though, are about the vulnerabilities we all feel, but  that sexual conventions too often mask.

Unworthy As I Am, by Elizabeth Thorne

Evoë:
So romantic! Within a few paragraphs the main character is comparing herself to a Shakespearean heroine, which I find very sexy. This story portrays submission and masochism beautifully, and I’m happy to read a story that deals with needle play too. I like the symbolism of the invasive nature of needles in a book about lesbian sex – just another non-standard way to penetrate. And collaring is the BDSM equivalent of the engagement ring. This story is so sweet.

Harold:
This story was the most intensely, viscerally sexy for me, no doubt because I’ve found myself in a similar place of passionate surrender. Is it hard for me as a somewhat het guy to identify entirely with a gay woman? Um, no!  And the story unfolded gracefully, with just the right balance of contextual detail. A tour de force!

A Slap in the Face, by Rachel Kramer Bussel

Evoë:
I think this was the most intense story in the anthology, and that’s saying a lot because they are all pretty amazing. Partly it held me riveted because I find slapping somewhat taboo and therefore fascinating, partly I found the character development seductive. Yes, it’s a short story, but I was charmed by the emotional progression. I appreciate the safeword explanation and appreciate that there is not a strap-on used in this story, although it’s implied that there will soon be some strap-on play. It makes me want to follow these two women home!

Harold:
This powerful story put me in a place I often end up reading edgy BDSM erotica: wondering about the origins of the kink. I love and understand the heat, the almost unbearable turn-on that just the right mix of fear and pain can arouse, but I also sense roots winding back to some childhood trauma no child deserves. I salute the healing power of hot and loving kink, but it scares me, still, about what it is to be human.

Want to hear more about Sinclair Sexsmith’s Say Please, Lesbian BDSM Erotica DIRTY QUEER SEX TOUR? Check out these stops on the physical and virtual tour!

April 1      Say Please release party in SF
April 1 Viviane http://www.thesexcarnival.com
April 3 Rachel Kramer Bussel http://lustylady.blogspot.com
April 4 Giselle Renard http://donutsdesires.blogspot.com
April 5 Evoë Thorne http://www.wholesexlife.com
April 6 Liz http://AlphaHarlot.com
April 9 Roma Mafia http://www.romamafia.com
April 10 Official release date! Sinclair http://www.sugarbutch.net
April 11 Dede / deviantdyke http://deviantdyke.blogspot.com/
April 12 Helena Swan http://www.cuntext.com
April 13 Kim Herbel http://www.butchlesque.com
April 13   Say Please release party in NYC
April 14 Lily Lloyd http://theblackleatherbelt.com
April 16 Lyzanne http://sexpositive.tumblr.com/
April 17 Lula Lisbon http://lulalisbon.tumblr.com
April 18 Ali Oh http://www.madeofwords.com
April 19 Jameson http://www.ftmbutchdude.com
April 21 Charlie Ninja http://charlieninja.tumblr.com/
April 22    Say Please release party in Boston
April 22 Meredith Guy http://meridithguy.tumblr.com
April 23 Wendi Kali http://astrangerinthisplace.blogspot.com
April 24 Lolita Wolf http://leatheryenta.com
April 25 Audrey at Babeland http://babeland.com/blog
April 26 Seth B http://smokebellyscorner.wordpress.com
April 27 Danika http://www.lesbrary.com
April 28 DL King http://www.dlkingerotica.com
April 29 Kiki http://kikidelovely.wordpress.com
April 30 Dilo Keith http://dilokeith.wordpress.com/blog-2/
April 30 Xan West http://tgstonebutch.livejournal.com/
May 2 Say Please release party in Seattle