Feb 222014
 

Bad habitsI need a cup of coffee almost as bad as I need you.
Bitter and dark or sweet as honey,
I miss the taste of you on my lips.
I want the rush of you in my body,
But with you gone, I have to settle for another cup,
And you’re not here to know.

If I stayed up all night, would you know?
I roam around the house thinking of you,
Fingers dancing round the edges of my cup
Remembering orgasms golden like honey,
And the comforting weight of your body.
Up late and alone, I touch my empty lips.

I pour whisky and bring it to my lips.
You don’t like it when I drink, I know,
But I need you like this burning in my body.
I’m all afire, desiring you.
You go down smoother than whisky, Honey,
And I’d rather have you in my cup.

Restlessly, I put down my cup,
Words to that song you hate on my lips.
Well I’m playing it loud now, Honey!
I can dance better than you know.
I would grind like this for you,
Bouncing, gyrating, and sweating on your body.

Why aren’t you here to satisfy my body?!
I hate being discarded like an empty paper cup.
I gave so much of my life to you.
My fingers find the pearl between my lips,
There are some things I still know.
One, is where to find honey.

And ohmygod the honey!
Pleasure ripples in waves through my body
Revealing mysteries I’m momentarily allowed to know
I pour coffee and whisky into the same cup
And bring a fucking cigarette to my lips
For a moment, I don’t even think of you

Then I realize – Honey, this is my cup,
My music, my pleasure, my body, my lips.
Perhaps my biggest bad habit was knowing you.

Sep 192013
 

Harold & EvoëHis alarm went off.

I rolled over and snuggled into his armpit, breathing in his comforting just right scent. The air in the room was brisk in that early autumn way, making the warmth of his skin and the soft flannel sheets the coziest place in the world. I started to feel turned on. Our hands grazed each other’s bodies. Slowly and sleepily we kissed. The energy between us would build then softly pass into sleep. We did this several times before he rolled over, pressed himself as close to me as humanly possible, and we dozed with my arms wrapped around him.

My alarm went off.

He levered himself onto hands and knees then turned to bury his face in my cunt. His cock and balls hung a handspan from my face. While he inspired me with his tongue, I massaged his scrotum and felt him stiffen under my ministrations. Desire bloomed between us – wet and open, hard and ready.

He sat up and looked at me. We needed to decide whether to keep going or get out of bed. I was groggy and turned on, ready for lazy love making, but we needed to get the children ready for school. Surely 5 more minutes wouldn’t matter? “Just fuck me,” I whispered.

I expected that he would be on me in a flash, but instead he said, “No. Save this energy for tonight.”

No? I took his cock into my mouth, enjoying the feel of his shaft sliding in and out. I imagined him filling another hole. His cock slipped from my mouth and I half sat up to kiss him. Maybe he would fuck me now? No, now we really do have to get the children up.

That excited feeling of sexual need carried me through getting 4 children to 4 different schools. The fire of early morning passion turned to warm expectation of things to come. I could feel desire connecting us as we went on with our day. I also felt a bit of an edge, perhaps a touch short with people, a little frustration coloring my interactions. I am not good at waiting. I am an instant gratification girl. Why chose between sex now or later when you could have both?

Hours later, after dropping all the children off, I found myself thinking of him. My fantasies started simple, but quickly got kinkier. I wandered the house, unable to focus on any of the things I needed to do. I settled into bed with my laptop. He called me, fanning the flames of my desire. I complained about the state I was in and he told me to take a shower, implying that I should take some time and get myself off.

Good idea. In the shower I let the hot water caress my skin. Twice I left the shower because I decided I needed additional equipment. It was a very elaborate masturbation session. I fought the urge to rush to orgasm, drawing out the sensations. When I did come, I coaxed every last spasm out of my body. The water started to get cold.

Harold & EvoëAfter, I felt kind of empty. The orgasm didn’t fill my need for connection. I still wanted him just as bad. I still do. As much as possible I have focused on my normal daily tasks. I’ve tried to stay focused and grounded, but…

I’m waiting for our time. I’m anticipating that moment when the kids go to sleep, the dishes are done, the chickens are tucked in, and he and I find ourselves in each other’s arms. I want to feel him with all my skin, rolling around in cozy flannel, not sure if we are laughing or kissing. This delight we share in each other is what keeps me going. I’m going crazy waiting for bed time.

May 112013
 

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” -Oscar Wilde

Self loveWith Mother’s Day coming up, my family has been asking what they can do to celebrate me. Honestly, I feel honored, loved, and cared for pretty much every day. I know that I hold a special place in my family. I’m not one to turn down breakfast in bed or some hand drawn cards, but what I really need is some quality time by myself.

My children are my top priority. After that, I take time each week to have a date with each of my partners. Everyone works together to take care of the house and I have my own work. I do have some time for myself built into the system, but it often gets filled up with doctor’s appointments, shopping, cleaning, or meetings. Sadly, when I get time to myself in the evening, I usually fall asleep.

I do masturbate regularly. It means a lot to me to be able to give pleasure to myself at any time. I’ve realized though, that I am not giving myself the kind of attention that I would give to a partner. Quick and easy orgasms in the shower or at bedtime have immense value, but what if I were to actually make love to myself with deliberate intention?

So, for all of the moms out there – actually, EVERYONE – I offer a suggestion: schedule a date with yourself. Nourishing your own sacred sexuality is a gift that stays with you forever and not only benefits you, but everyone you love.

Here are some tips to get you started:

  1. Find time and space to be alone. It’s important to give yourself several hours. If you can’t manage to be alone at home, or if being at home is too distracting, consider other creative solutions – renting a hot tub room, finding a totally private spot in nature, getting a hotel room for the night, or borrowing a friend’s home. Make sure that your children are in capable hands and that someone else will be responsible for anything that comes up.
  2. Set the stage. Creating a special mood can enhance your experience. Putting clean sheets on the bed or lighting some candles sets this experience aside as something special. Play music that feels sexy to you. Get anything you might need (like drinking water, vibrator, or massage oil) readily available. Go naked, or wear something that feels sexy.
  3. Relax. If you are anything like me, this might take a while. Turn off your phone. Step away from the computer. Do something that will help you let go of the daily stresses, whether that’s taking a walk, having a glass of wine, or sinking into a bubble bath. Focus on deep, even breaths, releasing tension with each exhale. Think about the things that make you happy.
  4. Fantasize. Start letting out those private thoughts that get you turned on. Is there a movie star who makes you swoon? Some sex act too kinky to admit to your partner, but it gets your juices going? Bring it out! For this date with yourself, anything is possible.
  5. Experience sensation. Wake up your skin. Start at your toes and work your way up, barely brushing over your erogenous zones. I like to keep my underwear on for this stage because the indirect stimulation to my genitals drives me wild. Use fingernails, feathers, massage oil, a wartenberg wheel, or whatever feel good and exciting to you. Pay attention to your whole body.
  6. Build the energy. Slowly pay more attention to the areas that increase your arousal, like nipples, pubic area, and asshole – circling away and returning over and over. Listen to your body and your emotions. You want to prolong your pleasure as long as you can stand it.
  7. Go for orgasm. This is a perfect time to introduce lube, a vibrator, a dildo, or whatever gets you off. You still want to draw out your pleasure, but now you can give yourself permission to focus on those areas that will lead to orgasm. Hold love for yourself in your heart and let it infuse your whole being. If you can stand the tension, bring yourself right to the edge of orgasm and back away again. When everything feels right, let the orgasm spill over.
  8. Release. Just let go. You can send any residual stress out of your body on each wave of pleasure. If it feels good, try to prolong your orgasm or pause for a moment and start over at building to a new release.
  9. Take care of yourself. You can give yourself aftercare. Give yourself plenty of time to bask in the good feelings. Let love for yourself seep into your skin. This is when I feel closest to the divine. You could go back to gentle sensations or drift into a few minutes of lucid dreaming. Drink water or eat a snack if you need to feel more grounded. Or jump up and run around naked. Whatever it is that makes you feel in love with yourself, do it now.

I don’t always orgasm when I make love to myself and that’s okay. When I’m by myself, I don’t have the stress of a partner who really wants to make me come. My only objectives are to love myself and experience pleasure. It’s a perfect time to explore the things that turn me on and develop a stronger understanding of my body.

As a mom, it’s sometimes hard to feel like I own myself, my time, my body. I don’t often get a chance to make love to myself, but when I do, I feel better all over. I challenge you all, but especially the moms on this Mother’s Day, to give yourself this gift!

Apr 182013
 

Spontaneous sex

Have you ever fucked in the car? Ever needed someone so immediately that you couldn’t wait to get home? Ever fumbled at genitals through clothing, mouths locked, bodies tangled, trying to avoid honking the horn? Ever fog up the windows with your heavy breathing? Ever look back at the experience and wonder how you managed to have such a good time in such an awkward space? Yep, this was me just a few days ago. Ah, the joys of spontaneous sex.

I’ve been going through one of those jags where I am turned on all of the time. I masturbate more, which in turn contributes to my over-all level of horniness. Basically, I sweat sex. I go through my day like normal, but everything takes on new erotic potential – like the errand running trip with my partner that ended in an amorous embrace in the driver’s seat of the car, followed by me bending over the kitchen counter with my pants around my ankles while he pounded into me, and then me riding him until he rug-burned his ass on the living room floor.

I like these spontaneous moments. I like how lust just washes over me and sweeps me away. It’s so clean and simple. I feel powerful and strong with the sexual energy flowing through me. Masturbation is an affirmation of my sexuality. Acting on the attraction I feel for my lovers is confirmation of the goodness of life. Bad things may happen, but so do good things. Really, really good things. It invigorates me to know that I can act on my desire any time I want. It makes grocery shopping or pumping gas seem loaded with erotic potential.

It also helps to shake up our routines a bit, sexual and mundane. I can’t believe how strange it felt it have sex without toys. I actually had to use my fingers to get off because I didn’t have a vibrator on me. I used to do it all the time, but it’s been a long while. My clitoris is sore because it took me so long to come.

Oral sex in the carSudden sex is a hot concept. Look at the old porn trope of the pizza delivery boy getting lured in by the older woman. People like the fantasy of sex just suddenly happening. We want to be swept away in a tide of lust. Maybe for some people that gives them permission to be sexual – it’s not your fault, you got caught up in the moment. Of course, everyone is still responsible for their actions, but why not let yourself feel your desire?

Life is sexual. I don’t want to divide it all up into arbitrary sexy times and not sexy times. I want to live to the fullest – act when I feel sexual, don’t sweat it when I don’t. I give myself permission to have my feelings. And if those feelings lead me to some spontaneously lustful moment? Well, I’ll try not to set off the car horn.

Mar 142013
 

Fun Factory Stronic ZweiStronic Zwei is a jackhammer of pleasure. Seriously. I’ve just taken to calling it The Jackhammer, as in, “Honey, grab The Jackhammer and let’s have some fun!” In fact, it’s made by Fun Factory (one of my favorite sex toy companies) and they sent us one to try out ahead of their official release in July. We are extremely impressed. This is a high-end, well designed, very effective sex toy.

Zwei is so innovative and different that I don’t know how to describe it. The Stronic line uses new technology to create thrust. Stronic Zwei literally rocks back and forth in your hand. It creates amazing sensations on the prostate and g-spot, although not at the same time. It uses more of a natural fucking motion than a buzz. This is not a vibrator it’s a pulsator, and it’s here to rock your world.

I’m pleased with Zwei’s construction. It’s very solid and can definitely stand up to the repeated thrusting. Counter pressure did not seem to slow the toy down. The one I received is blue, but I suspect that it will also be available in black. Soft medical grade silicone covers the insertable part, with the handle being firmer.

There are three control buttons on the handle, one for power (press FUN) and two to navigate the 10 different pulse cycles (press + or  -). While the buttons are located in a place where you can easily operate them yourself, it can sometimes be difficult to find the right button during use. All of the rhythm pattern options are useful and pleasurable at different times. We had a hard time finding exactly the one we wanted at any given time, but I assume that gets easier with practice. Our favorite is the slowest of the thrusting patterns. An added feature is the ability to key lock the Zwei so it doesn’t go off at an inopportune moment, like during a TSA search.

Fun Factory Stronic Zwei controls and magnetic chargerAlso on the handle are two little magnetic buttons – this is where the charging cord docks. It’s totally easy to use, but be prepared to have to charge your new device overnight (they say not more than 16 hours), as ours needed to be fully charged. That’s always disappointing for me when I want to try something out right away! It has held the charge well so far. We’ve, ahem, tested this product extensively without having to recharge it yet.

And guess what?!? Zwei is fully immersible!  Although I am a little nervous to risk losing such a fantastic toy, I can’t wait to use it in the bath or shower. It just can’t go in the dishwasher. Cleaning has not been a problem though. I simply wash Zwei with soap and water. It would be possible to use it with a condom, use spray on toy cleaner, or cleansing wipes.

One of the brilliant things about the way Stronic Zwei is constructed is the lip at the bottom of the insertable part. It looks kind of like the hilt of a knife, or the protective bit under a torch. Not only does this lip keep Zwei from getting lost in your bottom, it also works to contain any potential mess. Yes, you are probably going to need a fair amount of water-based lube to get this toy into your ass.

Stronic Zwei is fairly girthy. Harold and I enjoy prostate play, but this was bigger than anything we’ve put in his bum so far. We worked up to it without any difficulty, though, once the toy was turned on. The thrusting motion made it slip in easily. In each of us it seemed to be just big enough to have a sexy feeling of fullness without ever becoming uncomfortable. Zwei also has that bend at the tip to deliver pressure to just the right spot. It feels good in my hand. Harold says it’s way the best prostate toy he’s ever experienced (and he’s done some experimenting). As he put it, “Whoever designed this toy really knew what they were doing!”

This toy is perfectly usable by yourself, but I recommend it for partner play. I think it’s easier to operate if you are not in the throes of pleasure, but really, don’t you want to share the intensity of this pleasure with someone you love? I got a huge rush knowing that I was part of the experience when Harold just lay there with his mouth open, moaning. I got to help by playing with his balls and cock. I like to ramp things up. I enjoy watching him writhe.

Fun Factory Stronic Zwei in useFun Factory is marketing Zwei as an anal toy, but generally anything that works on the prostate also is effective at g-spot stimulation. After watching Harold bliss out with the Zwei in his bum a couple of times, I had to try it on myself! I wasn’t disappointed. It feels fantastic. It doesn’t give me the same sensations as Harold’s fingers, but it’s good in a different way. I did use a vibrator on my clit and the combination was perfect. I especially liked coming with the Zwei in, my orgasm contracting against the continuing pulses and bringing me to orgasm again. Awesome!

I don’t know how much Fun Factory is going to retail Stronic Zwei for, but I think we would find a way to buy one, knowing how good it is.

Bottom line: Yes, yes, please yes!

Grade: A

Jan 092013
 

Evoë readingIs it possible to have too much sex?

My brain and my sex drive say no way, but my body would like to object. I’ve been trying to strike a balance between the two, finding new and more creative ways to gratify my desire for sex, while giving my more delicate bits a rest. I’m a cheerful mess.

The muscles in my thighs and shoulders are sore – the result of some aerobic fucking. My clitoris is hot and throbbing. Masturbation and vibrator use has quite worn it out. Despite my attempts to stop pushing the button, sometimes the need has simply overcome my good intentions. Experiencing a little bit of a stinging sensation last night convinced me to stick with penetration. All the area of my mons is bruised from too much pressure and impact. There is a dull ache in my lower abdomen, presumably from repeated thrusting deep inside my cunt. My breasts feel overly full, nipples relaying an ecstatic thrill with every random graze of touch.

It actually makes me happy to be aware of my body this way. Sometimes my lust builds on itself, with my heightened awareness of my physical responses turning me on even more. For example, driving a distance home after rough sex and being doubly aroused by the seam of my jeans rubbing across my clit reminds me that I am a highly sexual being who needs release. It’s a cycle that winds me up to great peaks of pleasure.

Maintaining a constant (even low grade) level of arousal can be a lot of fun. Harold and I spent about 24 hours before our last date engaging in fantasy, making out, and a tiny bit of heavy petting. We did our best to inflame passion in each other. He offered to go down on me in a parking lot, but I wasn’t that far gone. I prefer my exhibitionism to be consensual for everyone.

The morning of our date I took a long luxurious bath, reading erotica and chatting with Harold over IM. For the first time in ages I got myself off with my fingers. Then I carefully chose my clothing to fit my mood and the fantasy we had been discussing. Everything helped to set the stage for our time together.

When we made it down to the cabin, I had some idea of taking photos, but we were both too excited. My cunt was soaking wet. I was breathless with anticipation. One kiss led to a big open mouth, tongue thrusting make out session. With every step we took, we fell further down the rabbit hole. Like dominos, each action inevitably brought us to the next, elevating our desire to a firery fierceness. We wrung every bit of pleasure out of that afternoon.

Letting the intensity die down a bit after that, I was able to listen to my body complain about being used so hard. I paid attention. I put antibiotic ointment on my clit because it stung like a fingernail scratch. I took cranberry supplements to stave off any chance of bladder infection from so much oral sex. I used a boric acid capsule in my cunt to avoid a yeast infection from penetration, even though Harold used gloves for digital manipulation. I take care of myself.

Our connection didn’t totally die. When we climbed into bed and fell into each other’s arms I felt the lust surge back up again. I wanted this man, wanted to hold him inside me, wanted to thrust into his soul. He was hard almost immediately and I was ready to go without any foreplay. We fucked for a second time that day, lush and lusting. When we were done I used the vibrator to come again.

butterflyI’m still going through my day feeling mildly aroused. Despite various pangs, I masturbated in the shower this morning. I am walking a knife’s edge between maintaining physical comfort and fulfilling physical desire. If my mind or emotions ever tell me to stop, I will. Sometimes this much intensity makes me feel uncomfortable. Occasionally, frustration over lack of fulfillment makes me break down.

Is this sex addiction? I don’t think such a thing exists. Can you be addicted to love? Or air? Everyone needs sex. It’s true that some people are prone to obsessive behavior around sex. People tend to make the same mistakes over and over, hoping for a better outcome, but addiction? My behavior during these times doesn’t hurt anyone and isn’t out of control. It’s more like living in a favorite erotic novel.

Too much sex? No, not yet enough for me.

Nov 222012
 

I like to cook. Food is a fascinating artistic medium as well as a sensuous pleasure. I enjoy experimenting with taste, texture, and color. Baking is science and I want to experiment with all of the possibilities. Our family has a variety of dietary limitations so I am constantly challenged to find interesting solutions to traditional recipes. Thankfully, since I spend a lot of time in the kitchen, cooking with a partner gets me hot. All of the smelling and tasting and kissing goes right to my cunt. On more than one occasion we have ended up naked on the kitchen floor, rolling around covered in olive oil.

Yesterday I wanted to get a head start on my holiday preparations while the children were still at school by baking pumpkin pies. I also asked Blyss to help me with some sexy photos. Why not combine the two since the kitchen is loaded with erotic potential? This fun and hotness ensued…

 It started with the blender

The immersion blender is so phallic and full of vibration. It’s giving me ideas!

Licking the spatula

Just a taste. I like to lick.

I want to do dirty things with coconut milk

This coconut milk is so creamy. I just want…

Just a taste

The creamy milk covers my tongue and drips down my chest, warm and sweet.

It feels sensuous

It feels so sensuous to have the coconut milk run down my chin and between my breasts. I want more.

Coconut milk dripping off one breast

Coconut milk covers my breast and nipple, lusciously  dripping on my belly.

Milk down the back, ass, and thighs

I need to try out the sensation on my back. My cunt starts opening with the erotic flow of sweet liquid pouring over my ass. I haven’t had this much fun in a while.

Totally turned on

A silken sheen covers my body as I slide in the pooled milk. I long to be fucked.

Beyond turned on

I’m beyond turned on, in that place where I need release so bad. What can I do?

fucking the whisk

I’m embarrassed to be this intimate with a kitchen tool, but this wire whisk has a handle just perfect for fucking.

Wire whisk fucking

I clutch the whisk, driving it deeper toward my g-spot. I can’t believe how good it feels.

Satisfied at last

I am finally sated, covered head to toe in coconut milk and blissfully happy. And I have just enough time to mop the floor and take a shower before the children get home!

(Photos by Blyss Enns)

Sinful Sunday

Oct 192012
 

The world of erotica can be a lot of fun. I like stories that stir my imagination and give me sexy ideas. My friend, C. P. Foster, wrote the short short erotic story below, that not only gets me thinking about what I might do, but reminds me of a few dates I had in the back row of that theater! If you’d like to read more of her work you can find her here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Night at the Movies
by C. P. Foster

Veronica loved the Mercury Theater with its ornate décor and threadbare velvet seats. Old places like this had a romance and sensuality that modern theaters lacked. They also played more interesting films. At midnight on Friday, the Mercury showed NC-17 movies. Veronica liked to sneak past the “This Section Closed” sign when no one was watching and take a seat in the balcony. The rest of the audience had no idea she was there. Alone in the dark, she could slide her hand under her skirt and thoroughly enjoy the show.

Tonight they were playing Henry and June. Veronica loitered next to the stairs until the coast was clear, then scurried up to take her usual place. But it seemed someone else had had the same idea. A man sat in the middle of the first row, holding bag of popcorn and a bottle of soda. He looked up when she came in.

“Um…” he said.

“Sh!” She glanced out at the main auditorium to make sure no one had heard, then whispered, “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

He broke into a grin, and gestured for her to join him. She hesitated, thinking if she sat a few rows away she might be able to indulge herself in spite of his presence. But he was kind of cute, with his spiky hair and thick horn rimmed glasses. Veronica grinned back and took a seat beside his. When he offered her some popcorn, she helped herself to a handful, and they crunched together in comfortable silence as the movie began.

1930s Paris filled the screen in exquisitely composed images, like Brassai photographs come to life. Veronica shifted her weight as one sex scene after another unfolded. When the last of the popcorn was gone, she lingered over licking her fingers and tried not to squirm. Her companion kept the empty bag on his lap. Out of the corner of her eye she saw his breathing change, and his lips parted as Anaïs Nin wandered through crowds of naked women.

Veronica picked up the bag and set it on the floor.

His erection made a huge bulge at the front of his pants. The man flushed bright red and kept staring at the movie screen until Veronica inched her skirt up to bare her thigh. He turned to watch as she slouched, scooting forward on the seat so she could open her legs and ease her hand under the fabric. With a hiss of pleasure, she stroked her fingertips across her clit.

“Go ahead,” she whispered.

He swallowed. Hesitantly, he cupped his palm over his groin and massaged his stiff cock. The seat squeaked when Veronica began to rock her hips. Biting her lip, she forced herself to be still. Her back arched as she reached lower to wet her fingers. The skirt kept getting in the way, so she pulled it higher, then moved her gleaming fingers back up to her clit.

Her companion moaned and stared as she played with herself. He fumbled to unfasten his pants, and Veronica watched him take out his cock. It strained up, hard and thick, and he wrapped his hand around it and began to stroke. They both turned back to the screen where Anaïs and June were in bed making love. The musical score drowned out the quiet sounds they made as they each pleasured themselves. With her free hand, Veronica squeezed her breast and pinched the hard nipple. Her muscles tensed as she grew close. She stayed on the edge as long as she could, holding back…making it last…until finally the orgasm burst over her. She barely managed to stifle her cry. The man clutched the arm of his seat and pumped faster. Clenching his teeth, he went rigid from head to toe, and came.

Both of them slumped, breathing hard. Veronica glanced over and giggled to see him grimace at the sticky mess he’d made. From her skirt pocket she pulled out some tissue and a couple of wet wipes, and held out one of each. He gave her a sheepish look as he accepted the offer. They cleaned themselves up and rearranged their clothes.

When the credits rolled, Veronica leaned in and murmured, “Next week they’re playing The Lover. Want to come?”

He grinned. “See you then.”

Aug 262012
 

When I start to feel bad about my body, I go through short term love-affairs with specific parts. I have, at different times, enjoyed my toes, my lips, my clitoris, my ass, and my hands. This adoration is both an exploration and a celebration of myself. It feels private and intimate – just something that I do with and for myself.

Currently, I love my breasts. They need my love. My breasts are not the same since I lost weight. I haven’t been very comfortable with my breasts because they look different, but I am transforming my self esteem with love.

I like my curves, but my favorite part of my breasts are my nipples. I am so sensitive! I want my lovers to play with my nipples until I come. Squeezing and tweaking them gets me so hot!

I’m touching my breasts right now…

A perfect breast

By Blyss Enns

Reaching for the nipple

By Blyss Enns

 

To see more sinful images…

Sinful Sunday

Jul 292012
 

I Rub My DuckieA vibrating sound is occurring somewhere in my room and I can’t pinpoint the culprit. It’s not coming from my bag of sex toys. It’s not my computer. It’s not the lights humming. It’s not coming from outside. It seems to be emanating from a diorama constructed of my pre-schooler’s toys, but she’s not anywhere around. I look around the room some more. Nothing. I go back to the toys and realize that the centerpiece is in fact a vibrator – a vibrator that looks like an adorable giant rubber duck.

I Rub My Duckie is the most cheerful sex toy I’ve ever seen. Babeland was nice enough to send it to me and make me laugh. (There are so many obvious jokes!) Don’t think that this is just a novelty item, however. This tub toy packs some serious vibration! If you are willing to fuck a duck, this baby will rock your world.

My biggest complaint is that it looks too much like a child’s toy. It blends in well. My kids are all drawn to it. The minute I had it out of the package my children were instantly present, as though my Duckie had summoned them. My eight year old took it out of my hands and examined it. “We need a screwdriver to put batteries in it,” he informed me. “It doesn’t look watertight. I bet you can’t really take it in the bath.” Where did this kid come from?

Harold agreed with him, but the two of the worked together to get batteries (2 AA’s) into it. It’s serious business. Powered up, the Duckie loudly vibrated across the kitchen floor, to the 3 year old’s delight. You have to squeeze the duck’s tummy pretty hard to turn it on.(Yes, I know.) It cycles through 3 speeds before it shuts off, which is kind of a pain if you want to shut it off quick. It’s very loud no matter what. I’m not sure how they justify calling it quiet. This is not a subtle vibe, but it is strong.

Surprisingly, I Rub My Duckie is totally waterproof and can indeed go in the bath. We had a lot of fun in the bathtub, me and Duckie! I love how the vibrations create ripples across the water. I also like how my duck can just sit on the edge of the tub looking cute, unlike my vibrator, which really just looks like a vibrator and isn’t something I want to explain to children or guests. Like I mentioned before though, it makes a lot of noise and makes all the kids come running to see what is happening – not conducive to Momma getting off.

One of the most interesting features of I Rub My Duckie is the variety of surfaces. For example, the tail feels more intense than the head. Or you can use both ends at once! Or tickle yourself with the beak! It can be fun to explore the different sensations, although I also felt kind of silly. I mean, I’ve never had a duck eat me out before.

I Rub My Duckie in the bathI Rub My Duckie is unbearably cute, but ultimately, I don’t think I’ll be using it as a vibrator. On the plus side, it’s strong enough to get me off, made of body safe materials, and I can use it in the bathtub. On the minus, it’s loud, difficult to turn on and off, and a bit awkward to use. In my world it looks too much like a toy for me to keep it to myself.

Bottom line: this duckie is hardworking, but too cute for his own good.

Grade: B

 

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