My Whole Sex Life

Photo Courtesy of Vincent and Mia

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~ Top 3 ~

Strangers in a bar – She sensed him move along the bar, he took the seat next to her his knee brushing her thin stockings as he took in her dress and the way it waved over her curvaceous figure.

Dealing with Abuse in Our Communities – We’re only human (yes, dominants ARE human) and mistakes happen. But what you do with the information that you’ve harmed someone is key.

Special Request – Walking to his desk, he pulled off his belt and put it on the left side, then pulled out a paddle and put it in the middle and then a cane on the right hand side.

~ Featured Post (Picked by Lilly) ~

What Keeps Us Going – We co-existed, and we were generally happy with each other, but we were dysfunctional. You know how people talk about becoming roommates rather than lovers? Guilty.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Sex Toy Journalism: Seeking the Truths of Silicone via Flame Testing and Confronting Manufacturers – Why flame test? “Pure” silicone, be it food grade or medical grade, shouldn’t melt or deform under the heat of an open flame from a disposable lighter or match – a fact you’ll see demonstrated in the video

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Comparisons Part Three
Cosmic Vibrations
Momentum: Reflections and Impressions
My Feminine Fountain is Finally Flowing (I squirted for the 1st time!)
PolyAnna’s Musings: Attraction
Q&A Number 1: Play Partners
Sexual Bucket List (and a Brief Diatribe on My Self Censorship Hang Up)
The “Dry Rut/Root”! Non-sex?
Intolerance – Contraception Debate, Religious Intolerance, & Grumpy Cooper

Erotic Writing

Come Together
Encounter in the Spa
Flame
Good Bad Sex
I needed him there and then
inside
Make Me Cum
Namaste
Onomatopoeia
Play Lady Play
Quitting While Ahead
Rampage – YSL’s birthday treats
sleep
the Confidante and I film ourselves
third
The first time I slept with the Girl in the Red Dress
Timing Is Everything
We drink each other’s cum

Kink & Fetish

Assignment from M
Buttons
Cigars
Fucked Raw
Foot fetishists, come talk to me
Imprints
Make Me
Nice vs. Good
On “Closure.”
Practicing My Religion
Please Fuck Me
Snap

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Annie fucking Sprinkle
Voice and the Author

This morning I had a flash of inspiration, when I realized that something I’ve worked on for years in my sex life would really benefit me in general. I guess sex and life really are intimately related. Basically, I’ve been meditating on being present, being here now.

Even during sex, being present can be difficult. I struggle with letting go of the past. Occasionally flashbacks hijack my experience. I try to acknowledge the feelings and remind myself that I am no longer trapped in that situation. I don’t have to respond as I would have in the distant past, or yesterday. This is so huge – I can affirm that as a constantly evolving person, what really matters is not then, but right now.

The future is even harder to come to terms with than the past, though. If I’m thinking of initiating sex, I worry about all of the things I ought to be doing instead. My everyday worries rob me of the joys to be had right now. Even when making love, thinking too much about what comes next can put a damper on my pleasure. I find that I only truly lose myself in sex when I am wholly in the moment, not limited by who I was or who I think I ought to be.

I’ve worked on being present during sex for years. I think it’s why I’ve been able to enjoy myself so much. So why haven’t I seen that the same concept could be applied to every other aspect of my life? I find myself constantly focused on next steps rather than where I’m at. That can be helpful, but not if I can’t let myself be happy now. Not if it is a distancing technique.

The main thing for me today is that I feel bad over things that are in the past, from childhood abuse to the fight that Harold and I had a few nights ago. Everything is basically resolved, but I’m holding on to the emotions. The events are sticky. I need to remember that I am not a child, not a partner with hurt feelings. Those things are part of my past – they contribute to the person I am – but I am constantly expanding. Everything I experience makes me bigger and gives me more resources with which to act in the world.

Related to this idea is the concept of forgiveness, something I’ve been thinking about for a while. I finally understand that forgiving someone is something you do for yourself, not them. Forgiving a person means you can let go of the sticky parts – whatever that person did to you can’t hurt you any more. Forgiveness means you can be present in the now.

It’s woo-woo, but I’m finding it helpful. Remembered hurts and the fear of future pain can sometimes distract me from everything else, which is sad when I’m surrounded by beauty and joy. The next time I’m feeling stuck and struggly, during sex or otherwise, I am going to breath deeply and remind myself to be here now.

I’m aching for Joel. He found a woman he really likes, who really likes him. They’ve spent all week talking, chatting, texting, meeting, emailing, and Facebooking. Joel has called me up, the joy, fear of rejection, and anticipation all evident in his voice. He’s seemed more alive, pleased that someone saw him and wanted him. I’ve listened to him outline all of the details and I’ve been so happy for him. He is my best friend as well as my husband. I support him in all things. We are life partners.

Ultimately, I think it was the closeness that Joel and I share that may have frightened his potential girlfriend away. She has never been in a polyamorous relationship before. It’s difficult to explain poly to people whose life experience has not given them a context. So, for the record, let me clear up some myths. (I’m speaking specifically about my relationships here, but I think that my beliefs might be true for other poly people. It’s always good to ask people directly.)

1. We’re cheating on each other. Actually, we talk to each other all of the time about our other relationships. Our marriage vows did not include any promises to be sexually faithful. We never agreed to be each other’s “one and only,” so it isn’t a betrayal to have relationships outside the marriage. For the record, we also never promised “forever.” We agreed to stay together for as log as we stayed in love. Now, if Joel started seeing someone and didn’t tell me about it, I would feel betrayed.
2. We have unsafe sex with tons of people, indiscriminately. Define tons. No, seriously, I pretty much only have sex with myself, Joel, and Harold. I’d like to have more sex, but my life isn’t there right now. The problem is that Harold’s wife, Melanie also has a boyfriend, who sees other people. So of course safer sex practices are important! They are extra important for us. We have 5 children to raise. Safer sex and polyamory requires trust and more communication.
3. I tricked Joel into this lifestyle. This makes me laugh. We talked and fantasized about being polyamorous for a few years before we got married. We had some relationships with other people but kept them low profile. We wanted another person to raise our family with because 2 people are not enough. We assumed that would be a woman, but it turned out to be Harold and Melanie. The four of us decided to have a baby together. Joel and I are partners in polyamory, as in everything else.
4. We’re unethical. No one can be perfect all the time, but ethics are VERY important to me. Honesty and open communication are the cornerstones of my life. I consider other people’s emotions as much as possible in my decision making. We’re not going around trying to trick people into things. We don’t lie about being poly.
5. If we’re married, there isn’t room for anyone else. This is obviously untrue. When Joel and Melanie pushed Harold and me into exploring our attraction, no one knew what it would end up looking like. Now Harold and I are also full partners, as well as Joel and I. Everyone is equally important. In any case, I only spend 3 days a week with Joel. He has room.
6. If you’re serious about a relationship, you have to get married. This is my favorite myth and I think it’s based on our cultural norms. There are lots of serious relationships that don’t have anything to do with marriage. For me, marriage is a legal contract that has to do with agreeing to raise children together. I think that polyamory gives people the opportunity to break free of cultural norms and explore each relationship without pressure. Maybe fuck buddies is what the relationship is meant to be. Maybe you just share a hobby or interest. Maybe you spend every minute together or maybe you see each other once every six months. Every single relationship is valued for what it is.
7. It will harm the children. How exactly? Our children have 4 parents to support them. That’s way more stability than 2. Children only care if it affects them. Our nearly 3-year-old daughter proudly says that she has two mommies and two daddies. She feels sad for people with only 2 parents. I take my parenting pretty fucking seriously. I would not do anything that would harm my children. They are growing up in an environment of love.
8. Polyamorous people don’t feel jealousy. Ha! Of course we feel jealous sometimes. You know what? Jealousy is an opportunity. It gives me a chance to look at my stuff. If I feel jealous, it’s because some need of mine is not getting met, not because my partner is doing anything wrong. If I examine my feelings, I can communicate my needs and probably get what I want. Polyamory has been a fantastic therapy method for me.

Polyamory is not the same as the Lifestyle (Swinging) or polygamy. You can not gauge my life by watching Big Love, no matter how entertaining. We are not trying to push our choice onto others. The whole point is that everyone gets to love in a way that is right for them. Joel’s friend has every right to decide that she can’t love him because he’s married. It just makes me sad. From what Joel says, she’s lonely and needs love. I hate to see people reject a chance at happiness.

I’m sad for Joel. He deserves to be seen and loved. Things are not always easy for him, away from his family so much. I’m hoping that this is just a beginning for him, an opening of spirit that connects him with someone he can really give himself to. In addition to me.

Most relationships run into trouble around sex at some point. Sex is such an intimate and revealing experience. Any tensions in a relationship are likely to come out, often unexpectedly. This was the case with Joel and me last night, but I didn’t begin to look at it until this morning.

Joel and I have been together for 11 years. We’ve weathered a lot of strife together. I love him deeply. In a lot of ways, we are very good for each other. Because of the economy, Joel works two hours from where we live. This means that he spends half the week away from home. We’ve worked it out, but we don’t have as much time together. The time that we do have is not as spontaneous as it was early on in our marriage. Less time and opportunity for random fucking.

We do, however, have a weekly date night – a luxury we didn’t have until recently. We can go out and spend time together. We have a chance to talk without interruptions. It’s pretty awesome. And we can come home and have sex! But for various reasons, we often don’t.

Last night we ate dinner at a lovely Thai place. I made sure that Joel knew early on that I had designs on his body. I was having a very nice time. Then Joel brought up a phone conversation that we had a few days ago. He was right to do so because he had lingering emotions about the exchange that he needed to work out. I was able to listen to him, but unfortunately, I also started to feel hurt and resentful. I felt that Joel wasn’t supporting me. I knew that he was, but I didn’t stop feeling abandoned. Typical relationship stuff, where our baggage collides. The well adjusted part of me helped Joel talk through his feelings. The hurt child part of me withdrew from the conversation and from Joel.

We got home and went to bed. We both still wanted to make love. We went through the motions and our bodies reacted, but it felt mechanical. I didn’t have that experience of opening up. I couldn’t feel Joel with more than my skin. I didn’t come, but I was too tired to pursue an orgasm. I’ve been getting up at 5:00 a.m. to get our daughter off to high school. I just wanted to sleep.

Today, I feel sad. I miss the connection that Joel and I used to have. I feel like we’re both changing, but we haven’t been able to get close enough to share who we are with each other. Yet in some ways, we are incredibly close. Why isn’t sex working between us?

Time is a factor, but we can work with that. There’s also a reluctance to discuss the hard stuff. I think we want to keep everything pleasant in the time we have. But I want to have amazing sex, so maybe we need to have those hard discussions. When I think about it, I realize that it sometimes takes me a couple of hours of talking with Harold before we can have fabulous sex. I need to work out anything that’s bothering me so I can let go. I think Joel and I need to give ourselves time to sync up before we get physical.

Joel and I talked this morning. It was hard for me to bring the subject of our sex life up. It’s tempting to let it go, even though I’m dissatisfied with the direction our sex life is going. If everything else is good, does sex really matter? I think it does, so I’m willing to look at our relationship problems.

How open should I be about my lifestyle? I have my husband, my partner, and my partner’s wife as important people in my life. We’re a family. We’ve chosen to parent together. With things pertaining to the children, any of the four of us could be involved, so I tend to be pretty open and honest about being polyamorous. It’s who I am and how our family looks. We care deeply about taking care of the children. Our children should know that they can be proud of their family. They should know how lucky they are to be so loved.

I have always been upfront with school and medical forms. We have attended school functions en masse when possible. I’m rarely asked about our situation because lots of kids have step parents and such. Well, one of my children is starting a private high school next week. I was completely honest on our admission forms and they asked us about being poly during her admission interview. Joel, Harold, and I attended orientation together. Today there was another parent meeting that Joel and I went to. While we were sitting in the hall waiting, we were snuggling a bit. A mom that we’ve known for 7 years and seen sporadically, came up to talk to us.

“Are you two still together?” she asked, “Because I thought you were with that other guy. I hope you don’t mind my asking.” Actually, I’m thrilled that she asked. I would prefer to discuss it openly. I happily went through my whole spiel about how we manage homes and time and such. What I’m trying to communicate is that this is my normal. It’s not weird or shameful. This mom kind of gets it, but she still asked, “You mean, you have two guys?” before we move on to talk about bus schedules.

Yes, I am blessed with two incredible relationships with men I love very much. And we still need to figure out the bus schedule.

I wonder how many more conversations I will have like this. Will rumors spread? There are only 28 students in my daughter’s class. I’ll see a lot of these parents over the next 4 years. I want straightforward honesty instead of wild speculation. I haven’t even begun to think about how to talk about what I do for a living. That strikes me as not really anyone’s business, but it’s not secret either. I don’t like secrets.

I’m trying to find that good balance between being open and not revealing more than is necessary. I’m also trying to be on good behavior. For example, I didn’t ask the extremely hot parent if they are poly or if they would like to go out with me. See, isn’t that good? And I didn’t once mention sex toys or porn. But I think I helped expand awareness and began to create a safe environment for our poly family. Yes, I think we’re off to a good start.

Have you ever lied to your lover about whether or not you had an orgasm? I have. I think that most women and some men have lied about orgasms at some point in their lives. The more I talk to people about orgasms, the more complicated it seems to be. I’ve been having conversations with both of my guys about how I’ve been less than honest and why it’s harmful to myself and my relationships.

When Joel and I were first together, we both were leaving relationships where we rarely had orgasms. We talked and decided that orgasms were not the important part of sex. In fact, the first time we had sex, after two hours I had orgasmed and he hadn’t. And it was glorious. What Joel did do was follow my orgasm energetically – meaning that he was very involved with how I was feeling. He moaned with me, he rocked, his body was in sync with mine, and when I came he felt a kind of release. It just wasn’t actually, physically an orgasm. Is that honest?

I think it’s fine to have energetic orgasms. I’ve often felt connected to my partner’s orgasm that way. I love to ride along on that fabulous energy as my lover comes. I feel the build in my body. I breathe heavier. I dig my nails into flesh. Sometimes it carries me to my own orgasm. Sometimes it pushes my partner over the edge. But often, it just feels good without an actual orgasm. So, what do I say if I’m asked if I’ve come?

Early on with Harold, I said that yes, I had orgasmed. He seemed so driven and goal oriented at first. You know, one of those people who is going to make you come if it takes three hours and a power drill. I wasn’t used to that kind of focus on my pleasure and it made me feel intimidated. I wanted him to feel good about himself and take the pressure to perform off of me. And actually, I quickly began to come easily and I relaxed. I don’t need to lie.

Of course, sometimes I’ve lied in the other direction as well, especially with Joel. From time to time, I’ve said that I haven’t come when I really have. This is more complicated. I know logically that I can have as many orgasms as I want, but I feel guilty if I perceive myself as having had too many orgasms. If we’ve both come, the energy tends to dip. Do I deserve to come again? Or what if my partner hasn’t been able to come at all? Is it better to say that I still haven’t orgasmed?

I think I’m actually doing myself a disservice to lie about whether or not I orgasm. I want my partners to really know me and my body. I want to trust them in all aspects. I’m not even sure why I’ve lied at the core of it. Honesty is incredibly important to me. Sex is important to me. Deep connection to my partners means more to me than anything. How have I let little lies become barriers in our sex life?

It has gotten better over the past 3 years. I’m both more relaxed and more assertive about what I want. I’ve come to understand that I own my body and my sexual experience. It’s okay if I don’t always orgasm. And it’s okay to take longer if I want to orgasm, but it’s not happening easily. Harold is hurt that I haven’t always been honest, but he also understands that my early experiences have affected how I feel about orgasms in general.

It can be difficult to tell if your partner has orgasmed. Even with boys, I sometimes have to ask. But I want to know, honestly. There are times when I scream and times when an orgasm is almost entirely an internal experience for me. I want my partner to follow with me. I want to feel connected. Being dishonest always makes me feel bad about an otherwise beautiful experience. I want sex to feel good, right? If I lie about an orgasm, I am making my orgasm about someone else and giving my power away. If I am truthful, I am more vulnerable, but I own myself completely. I can be vulnerable in this way. I vow to be honest about orgasms from now on.

Dear politicians:

What is it with the sex scandals? I’m tired of hearing about your infidelities, closeted homosexuality, sexting, and shirtless Craigslist ad placing. To be honest, I don’t really care about politician’s sex lives. You could fuck a troupe of clowns every Tuesday and pelt nude plus-sized models with berries on your lunch breaks and as long as everyone is consenting, I couldn’t care less. The proclivities of the individual are none of my business.

But elected officials work for the public, don’t they? And are you allowed a private life? Not really. I think any elected official should assume that everything you do, including your financial dealings and your previously private sex life, will be examined by the public and discussed at length by the media. Or better yet, rather than looking like a child caught with a hand in the cookie jar, I want to see you politicians own your sexuality unashamedly. I want to hear, “Yes, that is my mistress. My wife and I have been dating her for 5 years.” or, “Yes, I am attracted to other men, but I haven’t been sure how to start dating them.” or even, “My sex life is my business, as are my agreements with my spouse.”

Sadly, we don’t live in that culture. There is still a very narrow view of socially acceptable sexuality, especially for politicians. It’s getting better, but slowly. Some of these “sex scandals” are barely worth the time it takes to Tweet it. I’m not sure why we’re supposed to care, but I can see that there are reasons why your sex life matters to the public.

How a person handles sex and money says a lot about their character. You elected officials hold your jobs because a whole body of people placed their trust in you. When you break trust, even in a personal matter, it betrays the faith of every person who supported you as a politician. If you will lie to and deceive your spouse, what will you do to the public? Well, unless your spouse speaks to the press, we don’t know that you were lying – but that’s the public assumption. It could be that you have an open marriage. If that’s true, you should let us know. Polyamory is way better than dishonesty.

My concerns with these sex scandals involve honesty and the abuse of power. If you are, in fact, fucking prostitutes every chance you get, admit it gracefully. Denial looks suspicious at first and downright stupid in the face of incriminating evidence. You know the media is going to ferret out the truth. Just be honest. But abusing your power and privilege is just wrong. I can’t forgive that. For example, if I am a congressional page or an intern and you are a congressman or the President of the fucking country, and you express sexual interest in me, I am going to be impressed by how powerful you are. I may be fearful to reject your advances. I might feel really turned on by the risks. I could be weighing the potential outcomes. Maybe you don’t really give me a chance to say yes or no, you just seize the moment. However it turns out, it’s an imbalance of power. I wouldn’t truly be able to give real consent. That makes your advances wrong.

Lots of presidents have had affairs while in office. And obviously many other elected officials get involved in illicit pleasures. Are your numerous sex scandals merely indicative of what happens in the general populace or is there something about power that drives you mad with lust? Are we looking at our own lives through the microscope lens of your lapses? Pointing fingers so no one looks too closely at what we do behind closed doors? Or is this a malady that infects the elected?

I’m going to share with you a little tip that I often use myself. It may save your ass and save us all another sensationalized headline. Here it is: the next time you find yourself about do anything sexual, ask yourself, “How would a picture of this look on my blog?” If you wouldn’t post a picture on your blog, don’t do it! Otherwise, I’m looking forward to seeing some real images of your sex life.

Respectfully,

Evoë

 

I think the worst feeling in the world is believing that your lover has rejected you. That’s where I was yesterday in the middle of my date with Harold – numb, sad, hurt, betrayed, and pissed off. It’s perhaps worse when you saw it coming, but your partner reassured you that it would all be okay. But how do you make it okay when you’ve opened all the way up, let him in, and he decides to change his mind. It’s a sucky place to be.

We did work it out. There was just that icky bit in the middle where I was sure I would never feel good again. I’d rather not even write about it, but I think it’s important to share because the whole thing had to do with me wanting to explore some of my deepest fantasies. It gets complicated because some of the things that deeply turn me on have to do directly with how I was sexually abused as a child or with shame and humiliation, which also have to do with abuse.

The actual things that I shyly revealed to Harold as things that drive me wild with desire are not very wild. It mostly involves being fucked by objects that are not a cock (yes, even a dildo) or having objects inserted into my vagina. I want to do this safely of course, but we could get pretty creative. The thing that’s pretty hot about this though, is that I do feel shame about being turned on. Now, that could feel bad – or we could totally use my feelings of shame for some sizzling hot sex. It’s a bit of a fine line.

Harold and I have been discussing some of this stuff for the past week. I had unconsciously decided that Harold wasn’t capable of doing what I wanted based on me trying to explain what I wanted months ago and getting what I felt was a negative response. Harold was appalled that I’ve been carrying that around and didn’t want there to be anything that we couldn’t do together. I agree and realized that I wasn’t giving him a chance. So yesterday we gave it a go.

In the loosest of terms, I want Harold to Top me. I’m a terrible bottom, but I don’t know how else to describe what I want. On the flip side, Harold thinks that I Top him well, but I just control the scene, not him. Mostly. I want Harold to do things to me, the way that I do to him. Unfortunately, that’s kind of vague. I’m not sure what kind of things to tell him to do. He’s the fucking Top, right? Can’t he just figure out what to do? Except, I’m fairly picky about what I don’t want. I clearly need to keep working through my desires so I can ask more clearly for what I want.

The other major issue is that Harold has been walking step by step through my painful healing process. He knows exactly what has been done to me. And he’s extremely empathetic. He has no problems putting himself in my place. Most of the time that’s helpful for me, but not here. This is why I haven’t tended to tell my partners details of the abuse. The last thing I want is for someone to be seeing that when they look at me. I am NOT a victim. Sadly, most of the time Harold was Topping me, he was thinking about my experiences and feeling revulsion for being like “them,” the bad guys. This let to a pretty horrible place between the two of us.

Harold had worked hard to get me to open up, to submit, to trust him. I did eventually give myself to him completely. We did do some things that were on my list, but I was having a hard time really getting into it. I wanted Harold to do more, get more into it, play me more. I did ask for something that I wanted, but he didn’t do it. Sooner that I wanted, he was fucking me. He came with a huge shout. I didn’t come at all. I was about to come with the vibrator when my daughter called. Fuck. Then Harold fell asleep.

I was in a bad way. I was all opened up. I put all of my secrets out there, but didn’t get them realized. I was in bottom space and feeling sort of disempowered but not cared for. We raised a bunch of energy and then I didn’t come. And Harold was asleep. Cue the terrible feelings.

Normally, we would just talk through it. Or we would refocus our energy and bring me to orgasm. But Harold was feeling emotional dissidence in his experience of Topping and then triggered because he feels like he can’t do anything right to take care of the women he loves. Strangely though, once he started talking about his emotions, I felt better. I saw that he wasn’t disgusted by me, which was my biggest fear. He wasn’t refusing to fulfill my fantasied. He also wasn’t rejecting or abandoning me. He just has his own shit.

So we ended up being closer. I don’t blame him. And I’m not giving up. It’s a relationship – we both bring stuff to it, good and bad. This is just going to take more work for us to get through than we expected. I’m going to keep fighting to understand my own sexuality, especially the stuff that’s dark. Harold has always been my flashlight in the darkness. I’m going to think of him as a Maglite rather than a riding crop. There’s room in my dungeon for that.

Our trip to San Francisco is coming to an end. We’re on the plane back to Seattle now and I’m thinking about what a good time we had. Harold’s sons are amazing people. I’m glad that we got a chance to visit them and see how well they are doing in their different ways.

We spent the most amount of time with Ned and his partner, Maggie (a.k.a. Miss Maggie Mayhem). They also do a lot of work around sex, so we spent a lot of time comparing notes. Maggie is brilliant and really knows her stuff. She’s been a great resource for me. Together, Ned and Maggie are an unstoppable team. I can’t wait to see what they tackle next.

But hanging with family and talking about sex and the sex industry woke up some things in me I didn’t know were there. I spend a lot of time talking about how I want to normalize sex and how I really appreciate good porn, but it somehow goes out the window around family. It’s not intentional. I don’t want any artificial double standards, so I have to look at my shit and ask questions where necessary. Since I’m working outside the box, I have to take my brain with me when figuring out how to interact with family members around sex.

For example, I recently looked up Ned’s movies and I was disturbed by the content. No, the content was actually fine, as long as it was someone else. I was worried that Ned was trying to work out some hurt that we didn’t know about. Or something, I’m not sure. He is not my child, but he is my partner’s child and I suddenly started thinking about my children making porn. I have a knee-jerk reaction that I don’t want my children involved in the sex industry in any way. I have to stop and unpack that hypocrisy. Why not? Isn’t porn great? Don’t I want to make good porn? Isn’t every porn star someone’s child? Wouldn’t I be proud of my kids for doing anything that they were good at and they loved? I’m proud of Ned.

I had a chance to talk to Ned about it while we were visiting. He was great about answering all of my questions, even when I felt awkward and embarrassed for being so biased. It only took a few minutes for him to allay my fears. He wasn’t forced into doing anything, but he just played the roles that were given to him. He’s having fun.

As I mentioned before, Ned and Maggie decorate in sex toys, computer parts, condoms, books, and souvenirs from their work. I felt totally comfortable about that, but I had moments of wondering where boundaries ought to be. Harold and I tried to be quiet when making love, but that was more good guest behavior than the kids being in the other room. I took a few pictures of Ned and Maggie while they were topless, but I was working as an artist trying to capture a moment. They are sexy people who project a sexy image, but my relationship to them is not sexual.

I grew up with sexual abuse so I’m very conscious of wanting to protect my children. There are lots of rules and boundaries that make that fairly easy. The trouble I have is that many of those rules make sex seem shameful and secretive, I want for people to be more open and honest and that means with their children as well, in a manner that is appropriate. It is this appropriateness that I am struggling to define.

It comes down to this: Ned and Maggie, and in fact all of our children, get to be the very sexual beings that they are. I will not interfere. I will even support their decisions on gender, orientation, kinky inclinations or vanilla leanings, relationships, and expression of sexuality – as long as they are happy and healthy. While there is a huge difference between adult and underage children, I trust them all to make choices that are good for them. I don’t want to ever inflict my sexuality or judgment on them. I assume that means making sure that I’m not giving them too much information about my sexuality as well. Even the adult children may not want to know what we’re up to in any detail.

I’m going to have to keep questioning my assumptions. If I am really serious about changing the world, I need to catch myself in these ingrained social mores.  Anything worth changing the world for is good enough for my children.

Thank you Ned and thank you Maggie for a lovely time, gracious hosting, sweet pets, being incredible people, and the space for me to figure this stuff out. It’s been fun!